I’m a little self-conscious about this and at times kind of feel like a loser because of it.
I grew up in the Midwest and all my friends currently live there. Last year, I moved across the US to the west coast to be able to spend more time outdoors because my work is fully remote. I make enough to regularly travel to visit friends back home, but haven’t yet made new, solid friends where I live now.
I’m just wondering if this is a major red flag and if I should prioritize making friends before dating.
I’d rather just focus on dating, because I do keep closely in touch with all my old friends and don’t feel at a loss for them per se, but I’m curious what others think.
16 comments
Not at all. You have friends and that’s what matters.
I moved for work several times and making genuine friends as an adult is challenging.
Folks still date me.
I think as long as you TALK about your friends (whether they be internet, longer distance etc) and have involvement outside your home/work (social league, fitness group, anything) it’s fine. You have to be showing effort and have some sort of connection. It will be a flag if you say you have no one in your life at all because then someone might assume (wrongly) that they will be your sole source of comfort/entertainment etc.
Nope, that totally makes sense that it’s hard to make friends when working remote. The important part is that you have them.
Welcome to the west coast and all it’s nature!
I would have no problem with this. I have a lot of long-distance friendships too, so I understand your situation. The only time this would be a problem is if the guy becomes too clingy and codependent and wants to spend all his free time with me, lol. I am pretty independent and need my space.
I wouldn’t think it’s a red flag in someone who recently moved, but I do think it’s important to have local friends as well as long distance ones. I’d suggest pursuing both dating and making friends!
I’m a woman and I’m in exactly the same position! I also dont think I’ll be in this city much longer so it’s hard to motivate myself to go out and make new friends. As long as you have an active support circle and want a life where community / family is a part of it that’s enough for me.
no i think as we get older its harder to make friends. i notice a ton of my gfs are all married now and having multiple kids and essentially no time to hang out anyways. so even if you do have friends you might be alone lolll
It may be important to someone who’s super social and cannot fathom not hanging with ten of their bffs every weekend.
I personally can relate and have been insecure about it for a long time but eventually got sick of caring.
If you don’t care then why should they? As long as you have a life and can entertain yourself and not rely on them to be your everything then you should be fine.
My boyfriend and I are doing this long distance thing and he doesn’t have friends in the city he lives in. It only bothers me because I don’t want him being lonely but he assures me he is not. I’m also convinced when I finally move there, I can make enough friends for the both of us.
Making friends as an adult is hard. As long as you have some friends even if they don’t live in the same city and you’re not totally antisocial I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker.
Yellow Flag
I think having some friends (can be loose interpretation of the word) is important. It can be people at the gym, neighbors, coworkers, basically some sense of community.
I’d understand if you were new to the area but after a year or so in the same place, there really isn’t an excuse for this. I grew up in the midwest and relocated to the west coast. It takes work but it can be done and makes living out here bearable.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to date someone that doesn’t have any friends in the city they live. It’s not a “red flag” to me, just a preference. It’s my preference because I don’t really want to play tour guide and the city I live in has a lot of newcomers that seem to want that in dating. I also have a lot of friends and an active social life and I worry that that someone with not many friends will want more time than I have to give. Even after all that, I don’t consider it a dealbreaker for me.
It sucks to feel self-conscious about it though. There’s nothing wrong with you — it takes awhile to cultivate friendship and it’s totally understandable that you don’t have that yet. And it’s really cool that you keep up with your friends long-distance! It says a lot about how you prioritize connection. 😊
It is a red flag but you can overcome
I’ve had a guy pursue me primary *because* he wanted to make friends in a new city and that sucked. So make sure you’re not subconsciously doing that. But otherwise I don’t think it’s a big deal. I think the goal is to just be a well rounded person in general. Geography be damned.
Just go to the gym ul meet girls and guys but its not a red flag
I think it is important for you to have “other things” going on to give you flexibility in pace if you are interested in a woman.
In other words, being too available can put you at a disadvantage and may be a mild turn off.
Doesn’t need to be close friends though, just having a life of your own can keep the intensity at bay. Could be your job, your hobbies or even just industry stuff.
Not specifically what you asked but worth mentioning.