Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 8 months now, but the topic of exes has never really been something we’ve talked about, as we both had fairly bad breakups with previous partners.
There was someone I suspected was his ex that he still follows on social media but it was never confirmed until recently. I knew he still followed her, as he mentioned seeing posts from her previously, but never actually mentioned a name I just sort of put two and two together. This wasn’t an issue at all in my eyes, until he mentioned vaguely at one point that they were considering getting back together before he and I got together but it didn’t work out, I also found out through a mutual friend that they continued to have a number of casual sexual encounters after they broke up.
I’ve found out recently through accidental snooping (he was aware I was on his laptop and a message popped up and I know it’s terrible but I looked when I saw the name) she’s also messaged him a few times in the time that we’ve been together, to which it looks he never replied, but I know they had a habit of messaging on facebook and then moving straight to video chatting elsewhere when things would then happen between them. So my mind is now going crazy wondering if these messages have led to something happening whilst we were together, or if they were actually ignored.
I’m just worried about whether or not he would have responded and if so in what way, as I know their relationship was very emotionally and sexually charged, and clearly was hard to let go of, and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding accusatory, but I feel like its something we may need to talk about.
Tl;dr – My boyfriend still follows his ex on social media and she continues to message him with apparently no reply. They had a continued sexual relationship after their break up and I’m worried this is something that may have carried on into our relationship. How do I bring this up without it sounding like an accusation?
4 comments
It’s weird. He’s not necessarily doing anything bad but it’s worth keeping an eye on.
Being cordial with an ex is one thing. Being involved in each other’s lives (unless there are children) is just odd to me.
No, you shouldn’t be worried. Mature adults are perfectly capable of being friends with ex’s knowing that they still like and respect each other as people but just don’t work as a couple.
So either you trust your boyfriend or you don’t. And stop going through his messages.
I wouldn’t be worried. I think having a civil relationship with your ex shows maturity and is a good sign for what you’re like as a partner. Someone who is on bad terms with exs, particularly if they badmouth them, is a red flag. This is the opposite.
What’s the timeline like on this? That is, you two have been together for eight months; how long before that did they break up, and after how long together? When was the last time (as far as you know from your friend) they hooked up after their breakup? He mentioned they were considering getting back together before you and he started dating; do you know if that means that was an option on the table and he specifically chose you over her, or did they close the door on that well before you entered the picture?
I ask these questions because if the answers push his involvement with her further back and add separation between that and your relationship, that may help to reassure yourself. If the picture you’re looking at is “they dated for six months, broke up a year before I meet him, hooked up twice in the month after that, debated trying to make it work again, and decided against it” that looks different to “they were dating for ten years, broke up a month before I met him, fucked every other day up to the night before he asked me out, and were on the verge of getting back together at that point”.
> How do I bring this up without it sounding like an accusation?
There isn’t really a way to say “hey, I think you might still be fucking your ex” without it sounding like an accusation, because that’s what it is. What you can do is tell him you’ve heard he’s had more ongoing contact with her than you’d realized and it’s pinging your anxiety a bit, and you’d like to have the talk about exes that you skipped before, basically to lay out: here’s what his relationship is with her now, here’s how much communication they have, here’s how likely you are to have any interactions with her via mutual friends or group events etc., how do you want to handle that?
> So my mind is now going crazy wondering if these messages have led to something happening whilst we were together, or if they were actually ignored.
It’s worth bearing in mind that the two possibilities are not “he ignores any contact from her” or “they’re still fucking”; it’s entirely possible she’s pinging him on Facebook and he’s then calling to talk about whether a mutual friend has confirmed details of their birthday party, or similar.