Do you feel that, as a man, your worth is based solely on what you can do for other people? How do you deal with this?

45 comments

1. By who? And I think in general everyone’s worth is solely on that regardless of gender. Work and relationships. I suppose maybe not with family

2. In the eyes of society that’s accurate, so I don’t judge myself by the standards set by our uncaring and exploitative social systems.

3. I don’t think about what I’m worth to other people.

4. Your worth is what you determine it to be. Set your expectations that you’re a servant to others, others will view you that way. Know your worth and increase it, people will acknowledge it.

5. It’s a fact, in this world people’s value is based off of what they have to offer (except *maybe* in *some ways* to family and friends), Its just doubly so for men.

   I deal with this by not participating (as much as is actually possible) in this bullshit. While its impossible to opt-out completely, i have opted out of as much as i can.

6. I don’t think your worth is solely based on anything, but I would say generally speaking if you had to boil it down to something along these lines that it wouldn’t be what you can do for other people, it would be what you do for other people.

   The majority of us are very much capable of doing anything we truly care to do, it’s just that a lot of people don’t do the things they could. So the more you act on what you “can do” the more your value increases in this regard.

   As far as dealing with it goes, I just pretty much accept that by doing things you become more known and build more relationships, it’s just an overall win most of the time.

   Also, I try to keep in mind that if you feel debilitated by anything mentally or physically that by doing something about that you’re still raising your value because you’re actively tackling an issue. At the end of the day the most important thing to do is to have a good relationship with yourself and sometimes you have to hunker down to work on that.

7. I guess? I just also think that’s true of everyone and isn’t necessarily some great cause for misery.

8. Everyone’s worth is based on what they can do for other people, but not necessarily on a restricted definition of worth nor “do” to other people.

   For exemple, when i open about intimate problems I have with myself with family, friends or romantic interest, it’s an act that has worth andn makes them closer to me.

   It’s still something I do to them, because it’s something that make them feel trusted and connected.

   In that sense, my worth is my whole personality, including my faults. It has 0 worth for most people, some worth for many, and huge worth for a few.

9. If you can’t produce anything of value to other people, you’re deemed as “useless” to society. – Me

10. yes, absolutely I feel that way. sure it shouldn’t be, and people will tell you it isn’t that way, but practically speaking it very much feels like it is.

    how I deal with it? I don’t, really. I just know that it’s wrong that it’s that way and try to mostly associate with people who don’t have that sort of worldview.

    which means I spend a lot of time alone.

11. To hell with society. I don’t want to have worth to something so vile.

12. I personally couldn’t agree more OP

    Just in the last 4 years alone I’ve gone through two major life changes and it seems no matter how much I have grown and learned from all that, it’s just not good enough for people, potential partners, whomever else

    Best way I’ve been dealing with that is having a good therapist to work through it and if any other gents and ladies here are struggling similarly I’d highly recommend trying therapy

13. Yes, I feel that. I deal with it because I don’t care. My self worth is not tied into what other people think.

14. Tell the supremacists who look at men so superficially to fuck off

15. I don’t feel it. I know it. Most men know it.

    You deal with it by being a man.

16. I lived and live my life to help others first and myself second. Well 9 out of 10 times anyway.

17. No I don’t. Simply put: my ‘value’ is not dictate by anyone but myself. Other people simply don’t have the right or authority to ‘value’ you.

18. Of course it is.

    How do I deal with it? I just brutalized myself into being able to offer a lot.

    Is it unfair? Yes!

    Is it a gendered issue? Absolutely!

    Do you get any support regarding that? Nope.

    But we are men. We conquered the world. This is child’s play for us.

19. Yes.

    As a result, I’m useful to the people I care about, and ignore everyone else.

20. I don’t feel that way personally. My worth is based on the value I bring myself, and while I enjoy doing things for other people I broke away from the idea that providing for others determines how much I am worth. I think (and hope) that that idea fades into antiquity. We should all find happiness from within ourselves, from following our passions.

    That said, it’s great that I can provide for my loved ones! But I have surrounded myself with people who don’t judge me based on what i can provide, and I think that’s really beautiful.

21. Accept it as part of reality and society. Do my best to accomplish things or step out of the game

22. Do my best to opt out and focus my time on things I enjoy. To flip the question a bit, do you find value from other people? I certainly don’t outside of generalized social pleasantries as socialization is a human requirement. I’ve seen weird displays and lures over the years to try and bring me back to the farm (like literal cows), it’s almost like society is designed to extract as much value from you regardless of what you do, pick your poison. Wouldn’t say it’s a gender thing either, it’s just that men are quicker to replace. Opting out, easier said than done.

23. 1- Yes, you must be blind or a woman (without disrespect) to not see this

    2- Just accept it and live trought while I fall in depression until i die from heart attack at 40.

24. Yes, and I deal with my complete and utter inadequacy with suicidal ideation, incredibly low self esteem, and struggles in friendships and relationships with paranoia and such

    I know I’m disabled, but when ignorant family members call it into question I become a mess of internalized hatred for my own laziness before sleeping for the 5th time that day

25. I’m 27 and I don’t really think about this generally but it’s an apparent reality when it comes to dating or my love life. So in that aspect I realize this is a thought I have to consider. Not sure how I deal with it, I suppose I just play along with these expectations but it’s a bit upsetting sometimes.

26. Just do what you do and fuck what society thinks.

27. by stopping doing things for other people.

28. this is true mainly for adults. kids in school don’t give a shit(except unconciously). wasn’t there some famous guy who said women and children are unconditionally loved, men are loved only if they can provide something?

29. No, my worth is based on being an human with intelligence, experience and interactions.

30. I dont do shit for other people who don’t deserve it. I can know someone for 10 years and wont do anything for them if they arent part of my inner circle. This goes for both family and friends.

31. Yes, I do feel this.

    I deal with it like I deal with every other kind of shit that exists in life – accepting what I can’t change and focusing on improving myself rather than what other people think of me.

32. Yes, I feel that.

    But than I went to my uncles 60th. And got tightly hugged by everyone just for being there.

    There is still some unconditional love for adult men. It’s just only family and the closest (2?) friends.

33. That’s the only value *anyone* has.

34. Feel? It’s been pretty evident throughout life that I’m judging on what I provide, sister and female friends are just valued higher.

35. Pretty much, yeah. Every date I get asked “subtle” or “indirect” questions about money such as, “What do you do? Where do you live? Do you have roommates?”. Of the very few girls that don’t ask those questions, their parents do. It feels like I am viewed not as a person, but rather as an object for her security and her potential kids.

    How do I deal with this? I refuse to marry or have children. My money is just that – mine.

    You work the bare minimum so you can afford to live a life of fulfillment and peace.

36. I make myself my worth, the greatest thing I can offer the people I care about is myself so no matter what i don’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of for something I have or can do. I feel great

37. Is there a better way to measure people than what they do for other people? Ideally community? It’s better than valuing people for their looks or for their jobs directly.

    For better or worse men will always be valued for what they provide, I’d focus on expanding that to include company, kindness & love over stuff you can buy (& security).

38. People disregard our instincts and history, which has its roots thousands of years in the past. Men hunts, provides and fights for security, stability etc. it’s the same game in a different time. Men must provide and hunt , etc. obviously women are more attracted to men who are more capable. I think men has to find his way back to their inner nature and find his place in today’s culture.

39. Who decides your worth though? Did somebody ever go and tell you “well you didnt give that homeless person your last money so you are not worth anything”. No? Because thats not how it works.
    Every Human is worth as much as another.

    Now expectations of others might make you feel like that. But that is just their opinion right? Your worth is based on you being you. If you are struggling yourself and cant help others than that doesnt make you worth less.

    I stand firmly on the point that everybody is equal. That means you, me and that person over there.

40. Yes and no.

    My worth is based on my perceived value to my community ( family + job + town + province + country ).

    Internally, I deserve to exist because I exist and a good day is one that I’m proud of. I value myself based on whether I was victorious today or not. I have excess strength ( physical, emotional, financial, spiritual ) that I can choose to use to help my community and I feel valued when I do. I can do more and so I have a moral obligation to do more.

    Same as a woman or a child or any other person.

41. By not giving two fucks.

    My worth is based on what i think of me not what every tom, dick and cunt think.

42. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and lately have made improvements. For me there is the internal work of getting better at accepting myself (journal, therapy) and establishing boundaries with people so I make sure I am also taking care of my own needs. I also have a few close (and amazing) friends who don’t ‘need’ me but we like spending time together. These friends I don’t mind helping because I also lean on them (even if I don’t need to). This helps reinforce the idea that my worth is not tied to what I can do for others, because these people who I hold dearest love me and give me worth regardless of my external value to them.

43. Literally the only benefit to being an ugly man, I never have to worry about this.

44. We just accept the sht in our life and don’t complain about it. What am I, a woman?

45. What are you worth to yourself?

    The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. Only you have to live with every choice you make. It doesn’t matter to your coworkers or family what brand of boxers you wear, but it matters to you.

    Be selfish enough to take care of the person that will always be there, good and bad, by necessity.