My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. We love each other a lot, enough for both of us to want to marry each other. We share common values and beliefs, and sex is great.
However, something happened today which is bothering me a little. So my best friend broke up with her toxic and emotionally abusive ex quite a while ago, and I’ve always been there for her as she was finding it tough to move on and affirm her own boundaries and take steps back from the doomed relationship to take care of her mental health.
I’ve never been directly involved with their relationship and always had been on “good” terms with her ex because I don’t like to cause conflict and I try not to get in the middle.
This is where things get different. Since her ex was codependent on her and constantly guilt tripped her about their past, which had been happening for several weeks now, I really wanted to give him a piece of my mind and gently told him to accept her no, whether he liked it or not. I was furious about him emotionally harassing her so many times, and I took my friend’s permission before telling him off.
Today, I was just casually mentioning this situation to my boyfriend, who knows what happened from my friend, but I since didn’t want to breach her privacy only mentioned about how things got ugly and I had to take a stand for my friend.
Since I usually agree with the fact that I shouldn’t stick my nose into anyone’s business, this was an exception I made. However, my boyfriend, since he did not know the details and the specifics of certain situations, disagreed with what I did. He repeated that I didn’t need to, and I was trying to explain myself but consciously stopped myself once I realised that I didn’t want to have this conversation.
I want to be secure in my relationship, but this little disagreement bothers me just a little. I know it won’t make him love me any less, but the reason we thought we were so compatible was that we shared many of our core values. I try to rationalise this and tell myself that this might be an example of what a healthy conflict looks like, and if today we both accept that we disagree on certain things that reflect some of our values, it would be good for our relationship.
I wished I got the reassurance I need from him, but I cannot let him know that. I know how toxic it can be to constantly ask for attention and reassurance.
Is this healthy for our relationship? Should I be worried?
TLDR; Relationship compatibility based on common values, best friend’s toxic ex harassing her, got directly involved in a conflict as an exception, boyfriend does not know key facts of the situation and disagrees, is this healthy?
4 comments
The problem here is you thought you could share a partial picture. Because you misled him about the actual situation, he came to a very different conclusion, and you have no way of even knowing if you have a conflict of values. I think you should tell him that you are sorry for what you told him, because you didn’t realize how you were misleading him. That there were important details you did not share with him, as you didn’t want to violate the privacy of your friends, but that that meant you probably shouldn’t have discussed it with him at all or you should have made it clear you were keeping parts of it from him.
..he’s right though. I understand you had a lot to say but were you in that relationship? Were you present to most or any of this, or were you just going off of your friends retelling? Cause it was most definitely not your place and does nobody any good what you did.
It’s unhealthy that you think a disagreement means you have a unhealthy relationship. You will never agree on everything. If a disagreement is going to make you think things are bad your headed to toxicity. You also shouldn’t share things with the expectation that people are going to agree with you. Also shouldn’t be broaching subjects where you can’t go into details because it’s breaching someone else’s privacy.
You need to focus on your own relationship.
You’ve been together 6 months and believe you’re madly inlove and will marry, you’re still in the honeymoon stage, that’s cute.
But the moment your boyfriend doesn’t agree with you, you’re questioning if it’s a healthy relationship? In itself appears toxic. Almost a how dare he not agree with mentality.