Mom is guilt tripping me for wanting to stay in the Midwest while she moves back to our hometown

42 comments

1. It sounds like you’re an adult….. mom is an adult too. She doesn’t want to move back alone, because that’s scary, so she wants you to come along as a backup plan if her new friends aren’t as cool as she thought.

   You’re an adult, and perfectly capable of making your own decisions. Kids move away after high school and college all the time, chasing after careers and love….. no reason you can’t as well.

2. It’s your life, and you are an adult. She’s manipulating you. Families (healthy loving ones) all over the country/world manage distance and it doesn’t kill them. Some say it makes them stronger.
   Your fam all flew the nest, and her job was to raise you so you could. It’s you call, but that’s a lot to throw away just because she says to.

3. Your mom obviously can’t stand to see you happy, say as much.

4. I’m surprised you went at 18, and at 22 your mom can pull the other one, so to speak. Honestly. And this is coming from someone that DID move across the world to get married.

   Please redirect the “you don’t care, our family are on deaths door” crap back around to your mom who had no issue moving her 18 year old daughter away from said family to follow some dude across states.

   The expectation for you to move back is ridiculous, you don’t even live with her, have a job and are financially stable. Does your mom have any of these things? Is she often wishy washy and following pipe (pun intended) dreams?

   Honestly reach out to your actual family and they’ll probably be singing a whole different tune. Either way, stay on this path, do not falter to the guilt trip. Staying where you are right now is what sounds like the best most responsible option.

5. practice being “unbothered”. this is when you don’t allow someone else’s drama to infect you. i say “practice” because this is really hard to do.

   our natural reaction to this kind of behavior is to explain, defend, justify. that only leads to more argument, because your mother doesn’t actually want to hear you, she wants you to do what she wants. there is no argument you can make, no magic words to get her to understand and accept your feelings.

   you’ve made your perspective clear, you don’t have to justify it (i hear you maybe doing that a bit by saying that she was the one who moved you in the first place–that doesn’t matter). you are choosing a life for yourself–a life that clearly seems to still value your family and connections in Texas, by the way. and you are 100% allowed to do that.

   when she brings up the questions over and over, find some easy phrases to keep in your pocket like:

   “i know you don’t like it and i’m not asking you to”
   “i hear you, let’s move on”
   “i’m sorry that you think i’m being selfish, it is my life after all”

   these phrases are meant to convey, “you’ve been heard, and i’m done speaking about it”.

   and if she continues badgering you, quite literally walk away. or change the subject. give her a kiss, put on your coat and tell her you’ll see her tomorrow. this is not a punishment, it’s a boundary. it’s not about raising your voice and you can do this with love and compassion for whatever might be driving this behavior in her. but she doesn’t get to have this attention from you. she doesn’t get to dictate that every conversation become a debate about where you should live. you’re not fighting, or arguing or trying to win. you are simply not participating.

6. A good parent of an adult child wants the child to live their life to find and experience happiness.

   A bad parent of an adult child wants the child to live their life to make the parent happy.

   She’s not respecting your wishes and is being extremely manipulative. She also sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies which can make it really difficult to get through to her or make her understand that her behavior is hurtful.

   I haven’t had any luck getting a narcissist to realize that what they are doing is hurtful. We’ve tried sitting down talking calmly, getting mad, taking space, talking to a counselor for communication techniques, all of them failed. So if you find a way to get through to her let me know! Good luck.

7. If you go, next time it will be your mom who has little time left. It will never end. Better question is why your mom can’t do anything without you.

8. “Mom, I came with you when you decided to leave Texas, and I overcame all of my academic and social setbacks to build a life here. I no longer live with you, you are no longer raising me, I am an independent adult, and I am staying. This is where I want to be after choosing to be happy here. I will visit when I can.”

9. Your mom has an unhealthy attachment to you. When she asks you if you have changed your mind you tell her this, “This is not something I am going to change my mind on mom. This is not choosing between a burger and salmon for dinner. I have weighed my options, and this is not the right move for me. It wasn’t the right move when we came here, but I did it for you. Now you want me to move again and I am not doing this. I am an adult and presumable, so are you. You don’t need me to move with you. I am not going and this topic is no longer up for discussion”. Then, when she starts pouting or tantruming, you hang up the phone. And. you do that every time she tries to broach the subject after that. Without fail.

10. “Mom, stay or go is your choice. If you want to go, then go. I’m not making you “waste your life” here. I’m just not obligated to follow you around your entire life. I’ve made my life here. Cut the cord and go back to Texas. I’ll visit when I can.”

    You should tell her you and your boyfriend are moving overseas somewhere.

11. Mom needs to understand she no longer gets a say in where you live.

    You do not even live with her, so she needs to realize you are an adult.

    She is trying to make you pick her, even though she brought you there for her relationship.

    Mom – BF and I live and work here. If you want to go to Texas, go. I am not moving.

    Start using the gray rock method.

12. Mom, I will not be made to feel responsible for YOUR choices. You chose to move here 4 years ago (and I had zero choice when you made that decision). If you want to move back, you should. I’ve made a life here and I don’t want to. You choosing to stay because I won’t move is your decision. I will not discuss this nor will I tolerate your attempts at guilt. Going forward, every time this behavior starts, I will end the conversation either by leaving or hanging up. This is no longer a topic for discussion.

    Don’t be angry or emotional, stay very calm and walk away when she starts up without reacting to it. Stop engaging.

13. “Mom, stop acting like a toddler or I’m going to be forced to treat you as one. I’m going to hang up on you if you bring up the subject of moving and not answer your calls for a day, next time will be a week, then two, then a month. I’ll keep increasing the time if you can’t learn that I’m an adult and make my own decisions. Is up to you if you want to keep having a relationship with me.”

14. You’re giving her the same answer to the same question. You’re an adult. The next time she asks you just ignore her or change the subject. She can’t tell you what to do if you made your own decisions as an adult.

15. You just have to put your foot down. At 22, she can’t tell you where you have to live. I’d explain to her one more time everything you said here and then just stop engaging with her. She’ll get the message eventually, or you can just stop caring what she says.

16. Called being raised by a narcissist, the sooner you walk away the better off you’ll be…I waited a decade or so too long.

17. Simple answer, tell her to cut the toxic shit out or you will permanently cut it out.
    You are a adult. You choose where to live and what best suits you. You are not killing the family.
    Tell her if she stays that is her choice only. And if she stays and starts anything toxic you will move on from her. Also let her know that what she is doing is also a type of abuse.

18. Mum is doing exactly what you say, she’s guilt tripping you and you don’t have to stand for it.

    My mum once did this to me too, I decided to go out with a guy she didn’t like, and she threw a massive fit and all but disowned me, saying that I was destroying our relationship and massively disrespecting her and my dad by being in a relationship with a guy they didn’t like. She cut me off and refused to speak with me and after two months I had my dad calling me to tell me she had been crying and barely sleeping and how could I do this to my mother.

    You know what I did? I told them exactly how it was. I told them that my relationship had absolutely nothing to do with them. Just because they didn’t like him, it didn’t mean it had to have any effect on them whatsoever. I told them that I was an adult that was free to make my own choices and that even if they were bad ones, the only person it would affect in the end was me, and not her. The only reason it EVER had to affect her is if she decided that it needed to affect her, and that’s exactly what she did. She decided to take my decision to date someone personally when there was no reason to. In the end, as difficult as I found it because I’m not a naturally confrontational person, it improved our relationship a lot, because that was when she finally got it in her head that I wasn’t a little girl she could boss around to suit her ideas anymore.

    I would do exactly the same thing with your mum. It’s clear she’s not going to take no for an answer and if she’s being this bratty already while you’re trying to be respectful, it’s clear that she’s playing games and forcing you to feel sorry for decisions that she made, so I would throw respect out the window and just call her out on it. I’d say let me get this straight, you uprooted my life, delayed my stability and happiness and moved me away from your dear family that you’re apparently so worried about, all to chase a long distance relationship, which I would argue was very selfish of you to do, and now that you’ve decided you want to move back you’re going to use my family against me to get me to abandon everything again to move back with you? You’re not being fair and you’re being incredibly horrible to me by trying to make me feel guilty for the decisions you made, and if you’re so worried about your parents and grandparents, maybe you should go back and take care of them and let me live the life you brought me here to have.

    I personally would even take it one step further and say that if she’s going to continue to behave this way, then your previous promise of regular visits will be taken off the table completely and you won’t be seeing her at all. Watch her sweat then. You are allowed to make her see that you don’t have to do what she says. Stick to your guns hun, you deserve the life you’ve built for yourself and she is the truly selfish one here. She deserves to be made aware of that at this rate.

19. My daughter (30)moved to Texas 2 yrs ago. I live in the Midwest. Her move was good for her and her girlfriend.
    Parents are supposed to encourage their children and support them.
    I told my daughter that she should do what she feels is right for her. I’m telling you the same.
    You are adulting, if you staying turns out to be a mistake, it is YOUR mistake to make. Just like if Mom moving is a mistake, it’s hers to make. Don’t let her guilt you into doing something that you don’t want to do.

20. OP, judging from your post history [your mom is controlling and abusive](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mjc081/i_21f_want_to_move_out_my_mom_is_threatening/). A post from a year ago (when you were 21 years old!) says when you missed your “curfew” one night **she showed up with a shotgun and threatened to shoot both you and your boyfriend, then threatened to burn down his house.**

    As described in your previous post, your mother routinely threatens and guilt-trips you in order to manipulate you into doing what she wants:

    >She told me if I moved out of the house she’ll start a fire in it and kill herself and the dog and it will be my fault and the family will blame me.

    You deserve to be happy. You’re also an adult, with the right to make your own choices. You’ve at least been able to move out, which is great! Unfortunately, your mom seems pretty toxic. Setting firm boundaries might help (“Mom, I’m not longer talking about this with you.”) Ultimately, however, you may have to reduce your contact with her in order to shut down the unwanted guilt-trips and attempts at manipulation.

21. If she starts guilt tripping you again with your grandmother just tell her bluntly that well, she is the one who got to sit down and explain your family back home how four years ago chasing dick was more important than them, you, your education etc. and now you are an adult who finally makes themselves a priority, instead of mom’s feelings.

    If she claims your BF would if he “really loves you” remind her she was the one who moved “for love”, so I guess that means she knew her ex-boyfriend didn’t care about her going in?? you just love him enough to not make him choose and even if he wasn’t in the picture, you build yourself a life and like it here.

    As if she is not going to move across country at the drop of a hat if she feels like it again.
    Now you seem more polite than me so just remind her “None of this mattered to you four years ago, why should it factor into my decision now?” and repeat ad nauseum.

22. Your moms a narcissist

23. I think anything short of shutting the conversation down entirely will result in more headaches for you. It’s hard to say without knowing your mom but instead of reacting to her conversation I would proactively have your first and last own conversation with her.

    I’d keep it short, sweet, respectful, and kind (if not for her benefit, just so you don’t kick yourself later for giving into being petty).

    Obviously structure how it feels right for you but here is the general flow I’d consider:

    > Mom, I know the discussion of moving has been stressful for both of us. I’m sorry for anything I’ve said or done because I was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to have one more conversation so we can put this behind us.

    > I understand you want to move back to Texas, and I want you to know I support that entirely — I want what’s best for you, and that included moving here four years ago. Since then things have changed, I’ve grown, I need you to understand staying here is the best thing for me.

    > I’m an adult, I have a life here, and it’s not a life I want or need to give up. There’s no more room for discussion — I’ve made my decision and if you need time to process it I understand, but I am asking you to stop undermining it. I know it comes from a place of love, but it’s doing more harm than good now and there’s nothing left for me to reconsider.

    > If my decision changes your decision and you decide to stay, I’m sure the family will support your choice and mine just like they did four years ago. If you decide you still want to move, I know it will be a big change for us but this is how life goes — kids and parents move, and we’ve been really lucky to have this extra time where didn’t do it sooner.

    > I’m not willing to have anymore conversations after this about my choice. This is my choice. Of course we can discuss timing and logistics and I’m happy to talk through any decisions you need to make, but this is mine and I felt we both deserved to talk today so we can move forward more productively.

    Again, loose suggestion. Follow your heart. Don’t be afraid to put it in writing and either give it to her to read alone, or give it to her to read with you there if you think it might be too hard to get everything out the way you want it.

    You’re an adult. This is a really natural age for parents to struggle with decisions you make for yourself. If she continues pushing your boundaries after a clear conversation, I’d reconsider how and what you communicate with her as you continue to grow — healthy boundaries are for *everyone*, partners, friends, family, everyone everyone.

24. People have given you good advice here. Calm is the answer. Mother I have not and will not be changing my mind. I am an adult and I choose here. You are and adult and you need to make your decisions for yourself.

    What I can give you some advice on though is how to remove your guilt for standing up for yourself. (Not all of it obviously otherwise I would be a Goddess).

    ○You say you don’t want kids. Too late. You have a big one. One that should not be your responsibility to placate. Tantrums/tears/crying/”you don’t care”/”selfish “/pouting. “It’s all your fault”. Next month my kids will be 11 and 15. Not a chance they would behave like this. Not because I am strict (I am a pushover, they know it, BUT they also know that if they act like 5 year olds, I will treat them like 5 year olds).

    She knows she has no leg to stand on this. She will push until you give in. NO. Go and walk past a play park. Watch the kids for 5 mins. See one doing anything your mum does? First word that will come into your head will probably be Brat.

    ○Why does your mum want you to go back? Think on it. She is trying to use you as a human shield against her failure. You stay where you are, happy, capable and level headed while she returns with her tail between her legs; she messed up.

    Where are you both supposed to live? Grandmother’s? Is it more expensive down there? Does she need to live with you?

    ○Your Great grandmother is only holding on to life till you move back? Well that means you would by your mum’s definition be “Killing the family” if you returned. Narsassitic people say ANYTHING to shift blame. It is all about them. 4 years she didn’t give two hoots. How often (pandemic blocked out obv) did you or your Mum travel to Texas to see these women?

    Remember. Living away means when you DO visit all your attention is on them. No, oh got to mow the lawn, iron, shop etc on your days off. Good visits. Proper family time. This is a +++ .

    ○You can set up calls with your older family for once a week. A visit once a month. Your Mum does not get to tell you, an adult how to have a relationship/gatekeep others.

    ○SHE RAN AWAY DRAGGING YOU WITH HER AWAY FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AFTER A MAN. If your boyfriend could move to Texas for you if he loved you, why couldn’t Mr Midwest do it for her?

    She doesn’t care. I bet the “your selfish” bit was told to her by her mum four years ago. (Over you if nothing else) And now she is throwing it at you. Did she listen? No.

    ○Wasting her life? Tell her to go back to Texas.

    Your mother is a problem. You know she is a problem. Nothing you ever do will be enough for her.

    Ask yourself. You are now a nurse? In health care. What do you think she wants you in Texas for? You don’t become a carer to one of her antecedents you will be Selfish.

    5 years old
    Temper tantrums.

    You deserve more. You have more. This woman is all about take. You have a partner who obviously loves you don’t let her shake that.

    I wish you so much love.

    Just remember, she is 50. That is 28 years away from you now. Over double your life. That is when you even blink a consideration for going back to Texas. (Obviously you want to later that is totally different)

    Tell her you will no longer talk about this with her. Emails only. Everytime she stamps her foot… Ask her one of these questions I have you in an email.

    For every time she asks you add a year to 50.

    You are a grown up and a seemingly level headed one. Remember you are dealing with a toddler. You can not win, but you can give them time out.

    Good luck xxx

25. You are an adult. You don’t need to have mommy’s permission. She should be proud that she raised a responsible daughter

26. You’re an adult. At the end of the day you’re an adult and you are allowed to make your own decisions in life.

    You have managed to make it out of Texas and not be so brainwashed by this great state of ours that you are looking for any opportunity to come back (and I say that with all the love in the world for this screwed up state I’m living in).

    Your family will be fine if you don’t come back and they’ll be okay. People move and leave all the time, and it’s never killed anyone’s aunt or uncle or cousin or grandparent. People move on from where they were born and raised.

27. Google “ 7 Ways to Get Out of Guilt Trips” it’s a psychology today article on guilt tripping thats super useful for dealing with horrible guilt trippers like your mom…

28. Mom sounds like a narcissist, I’d low contact this situation if she won’t respect your decision. Flat out tell her one last time very clearly and then do not put up with her nonsense anymore

29. Speaking as an older lady, I’m going to gift you the wonderful saying I just read that the actress Helen Mirren said when she was asked what she wished she had done more of when she was young. Her reply was: “I wish I had told people to ‘fuck off’ more!”

    I also wish I had done the same much more often!

    Giving in to the demands of others is a recipe sure to suck the joy out of any life. It can kill happy relationships, damage finances and make you old before your time.

    You are an adult now. It’s not your responsibility to ensure your Mom, Grandma or any other family members are happy! They are individually responsible for their own happiness, and your Mom needs to fuck off with her guilting and demands.

    Put your big girl pants on and get started with being much more firm and strong in your refusals. If she starts to get dramatic HANG UP THE PHONE or WALK AWAY.

    It’s time to put your Mom in “I’m an adult now bootcamp” and just shut her drama down. Give her communication time outs like the toddler she is being. Gi low contact or no contact.

    You can do this!!! Do not give up the life you love to appease your Mom’s desires!

30. Tell your mom to stop being so codependent on you and get a life. Your all adults and you have your own life, she needs to respect that.

31. Above the age of 18, you get to decide where you live. And now that she no longer controls the finances, if you wanted to move to South Korea or Antarctica, you are free to.

    Your mom is being really manipulative and could have easily let you finish college in Texas. Stop letting her control your life.

    You could reply “If you loved me, you’d stop asking me to move”.

32. You an adult so you don’t have to go. Tell her this is your home now and you don’t plan on moving back, and you don’t want to discuss it any longer, she’s free to move back but you won’t be. When she brings it up tell her your not going to discuss it. She can guilt trip you all she wants, but if you don’t pack or make plans to actually go then she is just talking to air.

33. Straight up, you don’t have to talk to her. Grey rockinh and walking away are valid. Start any conversation with ‘I don’t want to discuss moving and if you bring it up, I will hang up’ and then follow through. Your mom had erroded your boundaries (this is not your fault at ALL) and putting them up will result in temper tantrums and meltdowns designed to shatter boundaries again. You can do this. I promise you.

34. I live 1200-1700 miles from any family and both my sibling and my wifes siblings moved away from our families homes/states. You dont need to live 5 minutes from your mom to have a good relationship with her. I have a great relationship with my parents and same goes for my wife. We see them several times a year but talk frequently. Same goes for grandparents

35. Your mom has a small brain and is toxic. You’re doing the right thing.

    Ignore your mom and tell her to move back because you don’t want this version of her if that’s how it’s going to be.

36. Sounds like my mom… Are you the sister I never knew about… I told my mom to kick rock I’m older there she was when she had kids and blah blah blah. I will hang out here for a bit.

37. “Every single time you bring up or try to guilt trip me into moving back, I’m hanging up/walking away”

    And then stick to that till she stops

38. Sit her down and tell her, I did not choose to move here in the first place. You did, you made me move here remember that? Now I’ve got my life where I want it. I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have lots of friends here and I really like it. I am going to stay. You go and live your life, it does not revolve around me. You chose to come here and you can choose to leave. But do not stay here because of me, only stay because you want to stay. If you feel you’re wasting your life here than go move back to Texas. I will visit, it’s not like you will never see me again. I’m off 4 days a week. I can easily come visit you every couple months and stay two or three nights and say hi to everybody on the regular basis. But I’m not going to force my boyfriend (or myself) to uproot his/my life your comfort. Then tell her the subject is closed you’re not going to discuss or rehash this with her again. If she brings it up again you will just walk away or hang up the phone

39. I live 500kms away from my sister, 700kms away from my parents, and over 6000kms away from the rest of my family.

    Your aging family in Texas will be just fine with you in the Midwest. There is no reason for them to worry themselves to death. Your mother is just catastrophizing.

40. This is manipulation. You are an adult. Do what you want, regardless of what she thinks….

41. You are an adult. She is an adult. She can do what she likes, and so can you. Tell her straight “You can move to Texas, but I’m not going. I’ve followed you for long enough. My life is here now. If you try to harass and guilt trip me we will just stop talking. I will block you on my phone, refuse to let you in our house and not come to visit you. So you have a choice – move to Texas and see me twice a month, or stay here and piss me off and don’t see me at all.”

42. Too bad mom. You’re an adult now. Do what you need to. Mom sounds immature and selfish.