[Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tprk3l/my_40m_wife_37f_wont_stop_reminding_me_that_i/)
First off I want to thank you all for the advice, before I give the update I would like to answer a few questions majority had.
Have we tried counseling/therapy?
Yes, we are both in individual therapies and marriage counseling, as is my daughter with a child therapist.
Why would you remain intimate while my wife was getting off of birth control?
One of the things our counselor said to try was an active sex life at least twice a week, also because we were both under the impression if she were to get pregnant then we would terminate it.
Why haven’t you divorced yet?
Because I grew up in a split household and the amount of times my parents fought over custody for me and my sibling’s is not something I would want my daughter to grow up in. I also don’t want to only see my daughter half the time.
Now to the update
I sat my wife down after dropping my daughter off at my parents and told her if she kept making these comments I would divorce her and asked her to explain why she would tell me those things and also told her how it was making me severely depressed again.
Majority of you were right, she broke down and told me she hated being pregnant, she didn’t want to be a mother anymore and she hated the fact that she kept our daughter. She said she can’t stand to look at me while I’m happy around our daughter because she hates that I became a good parent so quickly because we were supposed to be child free and I am happy as a father.
I told her I gave her the option to remain child free and she decided against it so that’s on her.
She apologized multiple times and said she would still want to try to make the marriage work it’s just her own issues that are making her be such a bitch, she also said she wants to be a good mother to our daughter and after I told her that I was afraid our daughter would hate me when she is older she broke down even more and apologized a ton. In the end she said she wouldn’t blame me if I wanted a divorce but she would still want to try and make us work, not only for our daughter’s sake but for our sake as well.
We are currently working with our therapist and going to start doing family therapy (with her actually trying to change), we are sleeping in separate rooms and only focusing on our daughter’s happiness at the moment.
Once again thank you all and I will update later on if needed.
26 comments
I’m glad you confronted her with those comments only to find out she hated it
I’m glad y’all are in therapy and working things out
She only wants to stay because it is easier on her. Not because she wants to make anything work. No reasonable, rational person who has actual feelings would have done this. My two cents.
It’s an unfortunate situation but whether she likes it or not she is a mother. She needs to grow up and quit whining about it. 14 year olds have children every day in the world and sometimes younger. Atleast she has a husband and a good chance to make this work smh. She has self destructive behavior and self sabotaging behavior. Luckily all of this can be fixed and helped. Otherwise seek a divorce and take 100 percent custody. If she hates being a mother so much and she regrets having your daughter then she wouldn’t mind never seeing her again. I wish you the best of luck, I hope your marriage works because it is not a lost cause. You guys have a real chance to work through all this. You really do.
It’s good that she realises her issues and wanting to fix it. You seem like a good husband and father.
I’m glad you two talked it out. Hopefully now you two can figure out how to handle this situation together. Good luck man.
I’m glad things are better but did you really think having an abortion if your wife became pregnant was acceptable birth control? It’s not. You two are adults and there are other methods available.
Hey OP – Read the whole thread. Am glad you’re coming out the other side (with your family)!
Odd question: Why not sleep in the same bed/room anymore (Do you not like cuddling or something)? Also feel free not to answer, Ik many potential answers would be awkward.
Dude – you didn’t want to abort your daughter – you wanted to abort a bundle of cells that would become your daughter. You had no way of knowing her at that moment and you would never abort her given what you know now. No need to be guilty for feeling overwhelmed.
What a rotten woman. She only wants to stay together because it makes life a lot easier and cheaper for her.
I don’t understand your wife at all. How can she resent you for a choice that *she* made? This situation is entirely her own doing, it’s unfortunate that she regrets it but she’s made her choice and she has to accept that, without blaming and lashing out at you. I see she’s already in individual counseling which is a relief because she needs it, BAD.
My eldest is 15 years old and can still remember things we told her when she was 5. The poison your wife has introduced into her relationship with your daughter is abuse plain and simple.
She resents and regrets being a mother — and she is taking it out on your daughter because she resents the relationship you two have. For me personally that would be a red line — your daughter is already old enough to make long-term memories of this. Your wife seems to have no intention of becoming mother of the year, and I truly fear for your daughter growing up with someone who has spewed those words and is trying to keep them inside. Even if your wife never says it again, she will surely be thinking it, and your daughter WILL pick up on it. Are you sure you want your child growing up in an environment like that, where one of the major adults in her life *admits* to resenting the fact that she’s alive AND is trying to convince her that the other parent didn’t want her either??? Can you imagine the long-term psychological scars that will leave your daughter with? Please ask yourself those questions.
I’m sorry to be blunt but choosing your marriage at this point is choosing to roll the dice with your daughter’s mental health. There are a lot of things worse than divorce—scars like that are one of them.
Just because your counsellor said to have an active sex life doesn’t mean that you can use abortion as birth control. You should have been using protection.
>Why would you remain intimate while my wife was getting off of birth control?
>One of the things our counselor said to try was an active sex life at least twice a week, also because we were both under the impression if she were to get pregnant then we would terminate it.
Just because your therapist suggested something doesn’t mean you should abandon common sense.
Either use contraception or find other ways to be intimate that don’t result in pregnancy.
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It’s good that she realises her issues and wanting to fix it. You seem like a good husband and father.
Just because your therapist suggested something doesn’t mean you should abandon common sense.
Honestly, she hates her child, and has no issues depriving her of a healthy relationship with you by saying godawful things to make you herself feel better. I don’t understand why you want to expose your child to that for even one more day. Tell her you want a divorce, and that you’ll agree to more favorable terms than you normally would if she agrees to give up all rights to see your child, and doesn’t pursue visitation in the future. You and your daughter will be fine on your own, but not with someone who hates her- never keep a child in a home with someone who hates them,
Blaming him is easier than dealing with the fact she doesn’t like her life because of her own choices
What a rotten woman. She only wants to stay together because it makes life a lot easier and cheaper for her.
I just hope your wife didn’t already affect your daughter’s health, and I hope your daughter won’t remember what her mother said about the abortion.
What the mother did is awful and rotten, does she not care about your daughter at all too? hopefully she won’t bother you or your daughter again like that.
I’m unsure why you seem to think your daughter might remember those words and hate you later in life. I can guarantee that a 6 yo knows what these words mean right now. It’s not meaninglessly staying around in her mind until it can be “activated” later. This is having consequences now, whether they are obvious to you or not. But anyway if she’s in therapy and her therapist knows about this then I guess we can only hope she’s great at her job.
Also am I reading this right? Did you guys just get into therapy or have you been in therapy for all this time and she STILL did this shit? And now you’re saying the difference is that she will ACTUALLY try to change? So before she was just pretending to try?
I’ll be honest if my partner said those things within earshot of our child and also told me later they hated being a parent and regretted their decision I would give them the option that we can divorce and they can agree to give me full custody. I understand trying to make it work because you love her and a lot of parents go through these phases but it can be worked through. However, in my opinion it’s only salvageable when people are self-aware and work through their feelings in private without letting it affect their child. Instead, your wife chose to let her resentment loose and actually hurt your daughter. She 100% did damage, have no doubt about that. Does she usually do this? Does she push her negative feelings onto others for them to shoulder? Your daughter will not escape that you know.
You talk about not wanting your daughter to have the same experiences you did, having been through the divorce of your parents. Just know that there are also people out there who weren’t traumatized by their parents’ divorce. There are even people whose trauma actually comes from their parents staying together.
They literally agreed on it together. That’s not forcing her to do anything. Jesus
I think you’ve gotten to the bottom of this and it’s nothing but upwards for you both. Good luck my brother, you’ve righted the ship
Sometimes just being able to express your feelings, even when they’re totally awful, can be the thing to change how you feel. I hope that’s the case for her, and that your marriage heals.
Ah yes, projecting. I’m glad you all are working on it but when you say you’re worried your kid will eventually find out what it means…six year olds are smart. It’s good she is in therapy. But you srsly need a zero tolerance policy for your wife saying this shit in front of your kid. You need to document when it happens and leave if it doesn’t stop NOW.
Eating popcorn reading the comments here. It’s shocking that everyone feels like they suddenly know your life and know what’s best for you. Nobody knows what’s better for you than yourself OP.
If things keep going bad though, I’m glad you brought up divorce. I would also pressure 100% custody as well.