I told my friend a while ago I suspected I was autistic and have had these suspicions for years now but in the last 2-3 years it has greatly affected my ability to socialize, maintain relationships and friendships. Its much more visible now when I’m older than what it was when I was younger.
I’ve known my friend for 6 years and she has always known that I’m quirky and different, but didn’t know it was autism. When I told her about my suspicions she said she felt honored that I came forward and told her that and it doesn’t change who I am, I’m still the same person. And ever since, I feel like she has kind of treated me differently? She is more direct in her communication, but sometimes it does come off as infantilizing. Like, I’m a woman in my mid 20s and not a child. Don’t treat me like a child.
I also feel like when we are hanging out, she is observing my behavior and kind of judging me. But again, since I’m bad at social cues maybe I’m misinterpreting it. However, I did feel like the last we hung out I missed very obvious social cues and felt very embarrassed over it so I apologized to her and mentioned that I’ve been feeling like a burden lately. And she kind of lashed out on me, asking me where I got that from, that she isn’t going to stop being my friend, saying everyone is on the spectrum somehow, that me thinking eye contact is hard isn’t a big deal and she also feels its intimate, and then she asked me why I felt down and I told a white lie about struggling in school with my thesis and she started telling her story about how she struggled as well writing her thesis.
Like logically, I can make out that she is trying to empathize with me and calm me down and make me feel better. But in the moment all I feel is confusion, like I’m being talked down to like a child, that she doesn’t really value me as a friend and so on. Its utter confusion and I don’t know what to do. This is someone I’ve known for 6 years but why do I feel so insecure in our friendship suddenly, is it because I’m vulnerable and there’s an explanation to my behavior? Im actually regretting I ever told her.
TLDR: I (F25) told my friend (F27) of several years about my neuropsychiatric diagnosis. I feel like she is treating me differently ever since
4 comments
Are you sure you’re not looking for problems so you can justify ending the friendship like you’ve been posting about over the last few weeks?
Lol, neuropsychiatric.
So a neurotype gave a neurotypical answer… I emphasize thou, it does hurt when people discuss a diagnosis without talking to me first.
I behaved similarly to your friend when a person I cared about finally trusted me to know about their autism diagnosis. So cringe. For what it’s worth, I was just trying to be more careful with my use of oblique hints and non-verbal cues, thinking I could learn to catch myself, but it was harder than I expected. My tactics were inelegant and distanced them when I should have just asked them to speak up louder when I was being too indirect.
It’s valid to cut someone off for being persistently awkward. However, if you’re willing to be gracious, you should let her know that even though you know she’s trying to be caring, her efforts are making you feel uncomfortable and you’d appreciate it if she went back to speaking more casually. Thank her for trying and assure her that if there’s something important that you really don’t understand, you’ll tell her.
Unfortunately, being NT or allistic doesn’t inherently mean having superior social skills 🙁 Some of us dysfunctionally try to take full blame for poor communication rather than ask for help. I have to hope you’ll give her a chance because it hurt horribly to lose my friend’s trust over a misguided fear of asserting myself… but good luck in any case.
ETA: Your feelings of discomfort are valid. You needed greater latitude for mistakes, not preemptive action. No one likes having their differences called out by patronizing behavior.