My boyfriend who has leukemia wants to marry me at city hall…

39 comments

1. Don’t feel bad about your feelings.. you are entitled to them.

   Just make sure you understand all the implications for marriage in your situation.

   You can always have the dream wedding you want later.

2. Marriage is just a contract. Celebrate love at a later time.

3. It’s normal to feel hesitant. It’s not like you are in a perfect situation that has no place for doubts.

   Anyway, material things are the least important thing here. If, as you say, money is an issue, it’s best to not spend it in non essential stuff. Marriage is about love and a life together, not about the money spent. You can have that when things get better. There’s no reason why you can’t have a big party, and a ring, and everything you want (if possible) later.

4. It’s a big decision to make. If it’s only about missing out on the wedding, you can do the legal ceremony and always do a big party/wedding when the time is right.

   It sounds like you genuinely care about him and his well-being. And likewise for him. Would removing the financial burden on him make you happy or would you feel resentful?

5. I mean the poor guy has leukemia, freakin Leukemia! It’s not like he’s proposing marriage for tax break purposes.

6. Imagine the amazing vow renewal you can have at a later date when all his money isn’t going to healthcare costs.

7. You want to get married to him. You want to spend your life with him. I really don’t understand your hesitation here. You can always just have the big, fancy hullabaloo wedding in the future when you can afford it.

   Your boyfriend’s situation isn’t going to change anytime soon since he has a chronic condition. If you’re looking at saving costs for a wedding and your future together, it’ll be much, much easier to afford things paying $15 for doctor visits versus paying $500.

8. If you want to marry him, then accept. If the only thing holding you back is the lack of a ring and a big ceremony, then accept. Those things have little value in the long run, and you can get them at a later date.

9. Some brainstorming…

   * Think of this as eloping. Heck, you could even go to Vegas to get married, and that would likely have less of a wait time than getting the certificate through City Hall.

   * In some states you can do a civil union and get all the same benefits as marriage, without calling it marriage.

   * Some cultures do a separate wedding from when they do the paperwork signing. Or they have two weddings, one with each side of the family, one each in different countries, or in two different cultural traditions. My parents did something like this, they went to a Justice of the Peace for the paperwork, then my maternal grandparents threw them a big party on a different day.

   * What about wearing a fancy dress to the City Hall, and then like throwing a family picnic after? Those might be quicker to throw together than a full wedding, and have some of the same meaning for you as a full traditional wedding.

10. Screw what everyone is saying.

    DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM ON PAPER?

11. Many insurances now allow to add “boyfriend” to it, you will need some proofs of living together , just talk to HR.

    But in this case pretty dress can wait, he needs treatment. If you see your life with this guy – imho no brainer.

12. Honestly marriage for this reason isn’t really that uncommon

13. I don’t know where you live, but in some states domestic partners are entitled to the others health insurance if you have the same address. I live in New Jersey and it’s the law here.

14. I’m just going to discuss a practical angle here, assuming you live in the US. If you marry him and he dies, you become burdened with his medical debt. If he truly loves you as much he says, he will care about what happens to you when he is no longer here. Might I suggest an unofficial ceremony instead? From your perspective, it would say, “I love you enough to marry you.” From his perspective it would say, “I love you enough not to leave you with my debt.” Sucks that we have to think of things in this way in the states, but approaching this with some practicality might save you a lot of stress in the future. Imagining mourning the death of your husband and being chased down by bill collectors at the same time. If he beats the cancer, renew your vows with an official ceremony.

15. You could end up on the hook for his debts if you married him

16. Do you want a wedding or a marriage?? A wedding is one day out of your life. Marriage is way more important.

17. Marriage is a huge deal, it doesnt matter what everyone here is saying. Dont marry him because you feel pressured and he’s sick. You’re so young. Make sure he doesnt have any debt familial or otherwise that could be passed on to you. Maybe even get a prenup agreement. It sounds like a beautiful sweet gesture to go get married at city hall and help him get the care he needs but it could seriously fuck up your life. The ceremony and pretty dress and ring can all be done later in life but no one wants to feel like “I guess I’ll go through with it” about their marriage. Outside of the ceremony stuff are there any doubts at all you’ve had about the relationship that got put off because he got sick, even that feeling of settling a little or are there any things you disagreed about before like kids or work load or anything that? If not and the only thing truly holding you back is the ring and the ceremony then go for it otherwise, seriously reconsider.

18. From your post it sounds like you want to marry him and what’s holding you back is a feeling of both missing out on the wedding you imagined having, and maybe also a sense that it all feels very transactional. I’m going to base my advice on this understanding – if you think about it and decide you don’t want to marry him for any reason, then you shouldn’t.

    I think I’d go back to him and and say ‘yes, I want to marry you at city hall, and understand why you asked, but it caught me off guard to be asked so directly one evening. It’s important we do it for both our finances and your health, and it’s what I want, but I feel like I’d be much happier with it all if we made something of it, between us, within our means. I’d really like you to propose to me, and that when we get married we dress up nicely, make vows to each other, do something nice afterwards or make concrete plans to do something like a holiday once some money has been saved.’

    Or something along those lines, adjusted to suit your wants and your financial situation. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to wish for some fuss around your wedding, after all it’s something you hope to only do once. I obviously don’t know your boyfriend but I suspect he was feeling anxious about his health, and finances, and blurted out this request without thinking through how it might make you feel, which is unfortunate, but given his situation probably understandable and forgivable.

    I hope it works out for you both

19. I think you’re upset mostly because he didn’t propose to you in the way you had somehow envisioned it would be. And that’s OK. Why don’t you just TELL HIM that it upset you. Tell him that you love him very much and definitely want to marry him, but that his proposal was coldly transactional and it hurt your feelings a bit. I’ll bet he will make it up to you!

20. If your main goal is to have him by your side for the rest of your life, then marry the man! Get a cute dress and bring some friends, then go to a nice restaurant afterwards. You can still have a very nice wedding, even if it is simple. Reach out to your family and friends, I bet they would love to help you throw a wonderful little wedding for you and your sick fiancé.

21. >he’s marrying me out of desperation for help even though I know he does love me.

    He’s marrying you to save money. If you aren’t okay with that, then don’t get married.

    It’s not like you have to get married, just tell him no and keep things as they are currently.

22. I sadly don’t think there’s a way to make this less transactional with the way it was presented and your financial situation. I’m going to go against the grain and say if you’re willing to keep your marriage a secret from your family due to shame or doubts or otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend getting married.

    If you end up going down this road I’d make is as transactional as possible. Get a prenup and make sure testaments are in order. Don’t give it value as a wedding and don’t keep it a secret for your family and friends, I would want someone to speak with during a situation like this anyway. Get simple rings to signify your union and upgrade later on.

    When he’s ready to propose later on, you can make it your dream wedding with friends and family.

23. I’d say he made it transactional in the way he brought it up. He didn’t say, “I love you and I want to marry you and be a life partner”. He said will you marry me so I can be on your insurance. THIS is why you’re bothered and you have a right to be. This doesn’t sound immature to me. His approach sounds callous and not very thoughtful. You’ve said you love him and want to marry him but does he actually feel the same?

    Have a convo with him about how his approach made you feel. Then have an actual conversation about his desire and motives and determine if they’re the same for both of you.

24. I know a couple who were barely older than you when the guy was diagnosed with leukemia. She also had a good job with really good benefits and they did exactly this. They got married at town hall so he could roll onto her benefits and then had an actual wedding a year or two later when he was healthier.
    If you love him and want to spend your life with him then you should be doing something similar.

25. Your feelings are valid, marriage is important to you and I’m sure you never envisioned a situation in which the main reason you got married was to extend somebody health insurance. That’s valid.

    My suggestion would be to talk to your boyfriend. Say “I will 100% marry you for your health, but I’m a bit sad that the wedding day I envisioned for us both looks so transactional.” Maybe brainstorm some ways to make it more personal, like writing out some vows. Or maybe plan the day you’re going to get married in city hall, and ask your boyfriend to surprise you with a proposal while you both wait.

    Worst comes to worst, tell your boyfriend that this is purely a transaction, and that you still expect to one day get proposed to and have a full wedding/celebration with those you love most. Make it clear that you don’t want to just assume you’re spouses now and never have that moment.

26. My wife and I got married at City Hall in 2019 because she had great federal insurance and I am a chef who had a growing lower back problem. We had already been engaged for a while, and didn’t have a “real” wedding until Oct 2021.

    You make your own romance around the bureaucracy bullshit. Insurance is really important, and you can save all that medical cost towards a big wedding party in the future.

27. A thought – both my current job and my last job, which was technically for the state as it was for a public university, allowed my partner to be added to my insurance as a “domestic partner.” I am taxed on it (the state treats the premium the company pays on his behalf as income for me since we’re not married) but it’s still worth it for us. I had no issues enrolling him either, though you may have to wait until open enrollment.

28. I hope you tell him how you are feeling. It sounds like he knows you want a fancier wedding at a later date, and is open to that when you are in a better financial position. So, it’s not like he just wants you to totally give up the stereotypical dream.

    My dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and his health declined rapidly. When we called hospice in for him, my long term partner asked if I would marry him on Saturday (3 days from then) so my dad could be present. I told him yes immediately, and we had the best impromptu, thrown together ceremony that means the world to me. I wore a sun dress because it’s all I had, and it was the best day. My dad died less than a week later. Later on we had the more traditional wedding and reception.

    Life’s too short to get hung up on things not being how you think they should be. Follow your heart, and make sure to tell your important people you love them.

29. The issue I see is that you don’t really understand that there are 2 types of marriages.

    There is what you have always dreamed of…the proposal, the parties, the wedding, the honeymoon…all of that. That’s the relationship part of marriage

    But marriage is also a legal contract in the eyes of the law.

    Now usually…people do both of these at the same time.

    But you don’t have to

    I know a couple that got married for the same reason. One of them needed health insurance. It was a contract, no rings were exchanged…and their witnesses were just strangers that agreed to be witnesses.

    6 months after they got legally married at city hall, he proposed and they went through the entire thing…and got married in a big outdoor ceremony

    Do things your own way. Live your own life.

    And stop worrying about things that don’t really matter.

    You love this guy. He needs your insurance to stay healthy so he can propose one day.

    It’s a simple as that

30. I know two couples that married for health insurance reasons. Neither man proposed later. Both are divorced. One after just 6 months. The other after 10 years. Neither woman was happy with the marriage. They both thought a real proposal and wedding would come in time. Never did. Both felt duped.

31. What you’re feeling is totally natural. I think though thet I respect your boyfriend asking the way he did. You know he wants to marry you because he loves you but since the city hall thing isn’t the wedding he knows you want he asked you in a way that suited the reason behind the ask. You could look at it as a marriage before a wedding. And you can still make it special.

32. My parents got married to save taxes that year. That was the whole proposal from my dad. That was 45 years ago, still going strong.

33. That last bit of your edit is what you need to discuss with him. I know he’s in a bad spot with his health, but to be that blind and aloof about A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL is baaaaaad.

34. I know a couple who got married at the court house and kept it a secret because he was about to be deployed to a war zone. Their actual wedding was planned for a year later.

    Do a courthouse wedding then have another celebration with friends and family.

    Or invite friends to the courthouse and have a big party afterwords

    You can combine practical with romantic any way you want.

35. Here’s the thing…. He might be asking you to marry him to afford treatment (it sounds like it) but if you are married you become responsible for any medical bills/debt. In other words, it could cost you a lot depending on what happens medically in the future and your insurance.

36. Not the same situation but I know a few couples who married earlier in their relationship than they would have for transactional reasons – because visas were about to expire and there’s no entitlement to visas for cohabiting partners. Of those, one had a quick, cheap actual wedding with guests and others had the bare minimum ceremony for it to be legal, with a proper ceremony and reception further down the line, at the point they would have chosen to do so if they hadn’t been forced into the legal aspect sooner than they’d wanted. One of these couples kept the marriage secret from most people so that their wedding-wedding would feel more proper when they came to do it properly. All of them did what was best for them at the time and are happy with their decisions.

    Unfortunately there are times when life forces the legal aspect of marriage when having a proper wedding isn’t on the cards. The important thing is that you do what is right for you, taking into account all the practical and emotional components. If you really can’t stomach getting legally married for practical reasons then you can’t do it. Or if you can, as long as a ‘proper’ wedding is on the cards down the line, proposal and all, discuss this with your partner and see how this could work.

37. My partner died in Aug 2015. I would’ve married him in a potato sack, standing in front of a scarecrow, with Funyuns for rings.

    I probably also would’ve gotten the benefit of life insurance and other helpful things in the case of his death. Because we weren’t married, I didn’t.

    I don’t say this to scare you – I’m saying time is precious. Take care of each other in this way if you can.

    You can always do the big traditional things later. If it makes you feel better… maybe you could search together on Etsy for a ring you love in a reasonable price range for your situation right now. It’s absolutely not shallow to want those things for yourself. And it might be even easier to do the traditional things you want to do if he’s able to spend less on medical costs.

38. Depending on where you live, you may be able to add him to your insurance by registering a domestic partnership, no marriage needed.

39. No reason you can’t do both: Get married for practical, insurance reasons at city hall AND have the wedding you want later.

    It’s valid wanting a fancy marriage, don’t hate yourself over it. Personally I don’t understand the need, but my wife did. We spoke of eloping or doing justice of the peace years prior to us getting married but after the engagement she realized she wanted a big wedding after all. It was costly, but I had a good time.

    So I agree, it does seem a bit transactional, a bit practical. Might not fit a cookie cutter kids view of life, but sometimes reality interferes. There is nothing stopping you from telling him you want a real wedding, with a ring. If money is an issue you can improvise or ask family for a spare ring for now.