We’ve been together 9 years. He can’t keep his hands off me and compliments my appearance all the time. His adoration, while flattering, is very one-note. It’s nice to feel desired, but… I do have other, less superficial attributes.
Stick with me here — I swear I’m not as arrogant as this sounds. I’m an attorney. A good one. Like, I get awards. I’ve worked extremely hard to get to where I am, and I take a lot of pride in that.
Today I was selected for membership in a very prestigious professional society (like, only 1% of lawyers in the country). When I told my husband, he said something like, “Nice.” Then he started talking at length about his plan to redo the sun porch.
I later told him that this work thing is a big deal to me, and that I really wanted to hear *words of affirmation* from him. For him to compliment my intellect or expertise or work ethic. Or to at least be proud to be married to me. He’s not a great communicator to begin with, and I don’t expect him to become my hype man overnight, but he barely even mustered an unconvincing “good job” in response. Variations of this same exchange have played out a million other times in our relationship.
To be clear, he is successful in his own right, with a badass corporate job and two graduate degrees, so I don’t think he feels remotely threatened or emasculated.
TLDR: teach me how to encourage my husband to replace a boob compliment with a brain compliment every once in a while without sounding like a narcissistic twit. I feel like a needy child for wanting to hear that he’s proud of me.
43 comments
It’s been 9 years, he isn’t going to change.
Umm you bluntly tell him that you appreciate that he’s into you but sometimes you’d like to know he acknowledges that you have a successful career and other things to you
Have an honest conversation, where you tell him, “I feel that you value what’s on the outside of me more than what’s on the inside of me. I could do with less whistles and more acknowledgement of my smarts and my personality. This career is important to me, and I want you to share my excitement.”
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I don’t get this myself as a man. I love my partner and it’s mostly her personality and soul that I love not just her looks (she’s gorgeous 10 out of 10 for sure but that’s just the icing on the cake for me). I mention how hot and sexy she is mainly because she’s been bullied and mistreated when she was younger because they thought she was unattractive (they must have been bloody blind) and I want to build up her self-esteem and image. What sealed the deal and knocked me off my feet per se is her humor, nerdiest, strength (the strongest person I know), loving, caring, and how she understands non-traditional (dysfunctional) families (we both have abusive and dysfunctional families) and these and many more reasons are why I love and adore her. That’s why she’s a 10 billion to 10 to me and why she’s I would never do anything to hurt her or lose her love intentionally.
I know I got a special one-of-a-kind woman that fills me with more joy than I can describe and I would be a damn fool to let her go. I’m many things, but a fool or an idiot isn’t one of them.
You need to have a frank conversation with your partner and make it clear that you need more from him than physical attraction and body positivity. You need him to recognize your mind and career achievements as well. That’s not too much to ask from your spouse and he should understand and meet your needs. Good luck.
People show love in different ways. No everyone is good at words of affirmation.
Just sit down and tell him how you’re feeling and why. Don’t frame it in a negative light like “you only do this!” Start it with “when this happened I felt this way” and lead into wishing he took more of an interest, say you felt alone and you wanted to share this big thing with him and he didn’t seem interested. Just be real.
Don’t hope your husband will suddenly intuit unspoken feelings about what you do and don’t like to be complimented on. In his world, he might think he’s checking all the boxes. Just talk!
One thing I have noticed is that people tend to compliment others the way they would like to be complimented.
While it’s been 9 years, and you’re both successful in your own rights I firmly believe that learning how to compliment or appreciate your partner is something everyone can learn.
The only thing that helps me out is using analogies or examples. Keep trying until the lightbulb moment comes on.
When you build him up and appreciate his intellect or a job well done (like the Sun porch) explain how you’d like that feeling from him and how you’d really appreciate and value his efforts in building up you and cheerleading your achievements.
P.s. congratulations on your success! That is freaking amazing!
Do you compliment him physically , or are you mostly complimenting him about his achievements ? He may be projecting what he wants to receive .
Men are almost only complimented from a young age when they achieve something, internally it creates a lot of pressure , like your constantly competing for admiration . It also means we feel it twice as much when we mess up or fail to reach our goals, because not only did we fail, but we’ve disappointed those around us. Most of my male friends don’t compliment each other on jobs or success, and I think that’s why. It would be nice to feel like people want to be around you for you, not because of your achievements , because you fear you’ll lose them if you don’t keep performing. It’s double for relationships , my partner complimenting my job feels wrong , it feels like she’s showing attraction to my earning potential. If I found out the main attraction to me was linked to my intelligence or how hard working I am then I’d feel used.
I’ve heard almost the exact opposite argument from female friends, because they’ve never been appreciated for their achievements , and only complimented on their appearance.
Neither are wrong, you need to communicate with each other and realise what you both need from each other to feel appreciated.
Can I give a male perspective here?
I don’t expect any compliments about my job from my partner. Like you, I’m relatively successful, and I do well at my job. But **it’s my job**.
It’s not a part of my relationship, and I don’t want it to be.
Not everybody feels the need to be appreciated for their job, or make a big thing of it. I mean, you’re probably right, he probably doesn’t give a shit about your job, and really, is that so bad?
He’s with you, and maybe he just wants to shut off after work, it’s not about his job, or your job.
Some people just don’t want to talk about their work, or their spouse’s work. I know I’ll mention something if something weird or funny happened, but other than that, why would I take my work home with me?
This is bizarre because according to you this is how it’s always been ….
Congratulations on your success, op! I’m proud of you!
There are a lot of YouTube videos that discuss the importance of validation in couple relationships. I found them while looking for examples to show parents about validating their children. There is one comedy sketch I found titled, “it’s not about the knife” that shows the struggle.
Try asking him direct questions – what do you think about that? Do you feel like I’ll do well? Are you proud of me?
It may seem a little silly at first. But he may just not have the same emotional intelligence you do. He may not value compliments or affirmations and so doesn’t bother with them. Does he show love in other ways? If not, re-evaluate the relationship. If he does, then you two just need to work on your communication and since you seem to be the more introspective one, guide him towards your needs.
If he gives shitty answers to your more direct questions, re evaluate the relationship. But if it were my partner I would first give the benefit of the doubt
Try asking him direct questions – what do you think about that? Do you feel like I’ll do well? Are you proud of me?
It may seem a little silly at first. But he may just not have the same emotional intelligence you do. He may not value compliments or affirmations and so doesn’t bother with them. Does he show love in other ways? If not, re-evaluate the relationship. If he does, then you two just need to work on your communication and since you seem to be the more introspective one, guide him towards your needs.
If he gives shitty answers to your more direct questions, re evaluate the relationship. But if it were my partner I would first give the benefit of the doubt
That’s awesome! Congratulations! Re hubs: telling him how proud you are of you might encourage him and give him some good vocabulary to use. In a similar situation with my partner (I’m also an attorney). It helps me to explain my achievements and to talk myself up so partner gets how important an accolade is and can parrot back to me his support without it being merely “nice”, “cool”, “good job”. I’m proud of you for your achievement!
Did you consider the possibility that maybe HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOU BEING HOT?
In not saying that you don’t have a lot of less superficial stuff… but he compliments you. YOUR BOOBS. Repeatedly.
So it’s not like he is not a compliment person.
It hurts me, but it just looks like he doesn’t care about your other skills.
I understand your feelings. I’ve never seen pretty or hot as a compliment. To me my looks have more to do with lucky DNA and being decent with make up. LOL I’ve told my husband I’d much rather be told I’m clever, kind , whitty etc. than beautiful. Millions of women are beautiful and I’m nowhere near the prettiest. What I am is me, I’m accomplished, compassionate, a good friend. I’m curious and love to learn. Those are the things that matter. Men are very visual. I’m sure he admires all your qualities, unfortunately when it comes down to brains or boobs, the boobs usually take center stage. I’m a 36 E and totally get that too.
He just doesn’t respect you.
Why do such accomplished women go for men who can barely bring themselves to congratulate them?
Partner aside, well done mate! You’re an impressive human being!
It definitely sounds like he admires your looks more than your intellect. You should ask him what he admires about you and see what he says.
hey. you guys should do the love language test.
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
also consider couples therapy . maybe just a session even to hash things out.
doesn’t sound like you guys are on the same page.
Man here, I personally don’t like being complimented on my job and what I accomplish in it. Do you know why? Because I expect it out of me. I worked hard for it, yes. Not everybody succeeds in it, yes. You know what I think when somebody compliments me on my work? “I’m just doing my job” This is expected”. That’s why failing at something hits so much harder. Because then it’s not about “I have worked hard. Therefore my work has been for nothing and it makes me feel bad”. It’s about “I have failed at something I was expected to do. I failed at my job”. Makes me feel really incompetent because, for me, there should have been no way that I fail yet I did anyway. What does that say about me?
I’d imagine that your husband knows you pretty well after 9 years. He knows that you are good at your job. Maybe for him, you entering that prestigious society was a given. So his mentality might have been: “Ok? Nice! Why bring that up?”. It might not be something special to him because it’s an obvious step you were going to take and something you “had” to do. It’s as natural as breathing. You wouldn’t compliment someone for breathing, right?
Just speculating here. I’m not saying that this doesn’t need to go unaddressed. Just offering up an explanation of why that might me.
To sum it up: After you said: “I am part of this prestigious society now!” he might have thought: “Obviously, what else were you gonna do? Fail? Nah!”
Show him your post.
Yeah mine is the same too. He is all over me physically and yet seems to have very little respect for me intellectually. Granted I don’t like to read books but do enjoy researching various topics. I just can’t sit still as far as just sitting and reading for hours.
Gotta be honest here, men don’t care about what women do for work. It’s just a reality because that isn’t why we married you at all. We married you because you were a good person, attractive, a potential good mother, and we got along well. You think men should care about your job because you yourself care about a man’s job. This is basically you not really understanding how a male brain works and projecting how your brain works on to your husband.
This is a common problem for both men and women where each sex assumes the other thinks just like they do. In reality this could not be further from the truth as men and women are very different and are attracted to very different things.
You crave validation from your husband for the things you do while he considers your job to be unimportant to the relationship. You could quit your job now and I can guarantee it wouldn’t affect his feelings towards you at all provided you kept up your current disposition.
I don’t care about my wife’s job at all and don’t care what she does so long as she is happy doing it and is able to maintain a good work/home life balance. I would be perfectly happy if she decided to quit and stay at home as well because none of this was ever why I married her.
I know this is probably a tough pill to swallow but it is what it is and no matter what men tell you, they deep down don’t really care what kind of job you do.
Its inherently narcissistic to feel owed complements.
I don’t think it is so to want to talk more about work though.
Perhaps you could try leading conversations more into work.
Instead of [statement of achievement] you could talk more about the role, more common things etc.
You said you think they aren’t great at communication, so I imagine a part of your disconnect on that front might be that he doesn’t say anything when he has nothing to say.
Like “good job” and “nice” are probably what I would say. I’m not even sure what more you would say to that unless there was something further to talk about. Like he isn’t a lawyer so its not like they mean something to him past that they mean something to you.
With superficial attributes, its bound with the activity itself, hence why that comes more freely.
With an accomplishment, well its done, so great.
Basically, the mental thought could sorta be that *affirmation* after the fact isn’t useful and as not a subject expert, he doesn’t have much more to say about it.
You never said though if he is regularly supportive outside of this, like if you ignore this very specific requirement you are focused on.
1) big law attorney here, non attorneys just don’t get it. They don’t understand how hard the profession is and how much it takes out of you to do well.
2) unpopular opinion but if he’s successful your success doesn’t matter as much to him. Folks don’t like to hear this but a successful man can be with an attractive waitress and be happy. Women tend to want successful men and place a premium on that but in general men are much more visual.
You can talk to him about it but if you’ve been together for almost a decade, I wouldn’t expect a drastic change at this point. Not trying to be a downer, just trying to be real.
Men generally don’t value your jobs like you wish we do.
It will be looks, positive traits with respect to being a partner, parent to children, etc before the job stuff.
“Not every guy is like that” Yeah, but when it comes to a guy who is killing it in the workplace and making a lot of $$$, would he rather have a nice beautiful wife or a one who is nice and make a lot of $$$?
The answer is obvious.
Don’t get me wrong, the extra $$$ is great and helpful, but it’s not what is romantically and sexually drawing him to her.
***
You might be able to get him to do more of what you are looking for, but I would wager it is counter to his nature to do it, as he isn’t wired that way.
It’s up to you how big a deal you want to make of it. How big of a battle to you want this issue to be?
Men don’t typically seek out partners based on career, accomplishments, or work ethic. They seek out partners based on looks and compatibility. If he’s a good husband, I’d say don’t take it personally
I appreciate the physical compliments and how you make me feel desired, but I would feel even more appreciated, understood and seen in this relationship if you made an effort to compliment things other than my appearance once in a while.
If he never valued that about you he probably won’t ever start caring. Guessing he didn’t value for your job.
You are not a needy child and we do not have to tell you “how” to encourage your husband.
Stop blaming yourself, both of those statements is putting direct blame on you. You want something (to be treated like an educated woman not a piece of meat) then you need to express it.
Being successful is cool, I just started my career and I feel more successful than people my age but people forget something. You can be successful and still be an asshole and nobody likes an asshole.
Yes, he is being an asshole by ignoring your great achievement and talking about the sun porch because he only wants to talk about what he wants to talk about.
Congratulations on that! We are all so proud of you. The only way to have achieved this was to put in the hours, time, and mental effort. I hope you celebrate in a way that makes you feel pride and worthiness. You deserve it after all you went through!
You both should read the five love languages together, it would be beneficial and provide perspective for both of you. As another commented, he’s likely complimenting you in his love language, which is understandably unfulfilling to you. You can tell him all day you want to hear words of affirmation but it really is like learning a new language. He doesn’t know what that truly means. Reading that book will frame it in a way that is easy to understand and provide examples as a starting point for him to understand how you need to be loved.
Do you compliment his career accomplishments with passion and gusto? Or Do you fawn over him physically the same way he does you?
> Variations of this same exchange have played out a million other times in our relationship.
Then stop participating in the cycle. You keep expecting someone you’ve been with for 9 years to change and you’re setting yourself up for frustration every time. The chances of him doing this are the same you’ll stop caring about it.
Does he show he appreciates your most important boob (the brain) in other ways? If so, consider meeting him halfway, maybe? If not, just show him this post IMO. It’s funny, well-written, and gets across what your needs are and how he can help meet them. Show him my comment too. (Hey, bro! I had the same problem with my ex, just put in the effort and think of her mind as a sensitive nipple. Cheers.)
Does he *really* understand how big of an accomplishment this is for you?
Not excusing him, but he may not understand it.
Honestly some men could care less about your professional career. It doesn’t seem he was attracted to or drawn to you for your career but it was more so physical. Switching his brain to value your brain will unfortunately not likely happen.
just ignore him when he makes boob compliments, positively enforce his behavior with boobs when he compliments your brain
ezpz
Congratulations on getting selected for the counsel! That is absolutely incredible and something you should be very, very proud of. It shows you’re intelligent, capable, and your attributes stand out amongst so many other. That is incredible!