So I had a physically abusive father, and non-present mother growing up. My mom was in her party stage, and was also dealing with mental health issues for part of that. I eventually was homeless/gangbanging around 12 years old, and I became a ward of the state when I was 14. Over the years my mom occasionally sent small gifts on Christmas, and kept in touch over the phone.
I eventually graduated from college and moved near my mom’s side of the family (my mom doesn’t live here but visits like once per year). The main people I have contact with on my mom’s side is 1. my mom who is a chronic dependent, she has never had a job, doesn’t know how to drive, doesn’t know how to use technology, and has had my grandma taking care of her since she’s been living. This isn’t because she’s unable to learn these things or to hold a job, she just has lived life putting those burdens on men, my grandma, family, me, or the government. My mom was never outright abusive to me (like my father was), just neglected her responsibilities as a parent. She isn’t a bad person now, but she’s trying to put more and more burdens on me. Asking me to pay for more, asking me to do things that she should’ve done herself.
The other main contact is 2) My younger cousin, generally a good dependable guy, but is an underachiever, has drug addiction problems (cocaine is the big one), is a sex addict, doesn’t like planning for the future, asks to borrow money a lot but pays it back, prides himself in being able to manipulate people (mostly women). Lives in an apartment with 3 friends. He basically lives to chase dopamine highs, but I don’t regard him as a bad guy. I’ve tried making friends in his crowd (he works at a nightclub), but the fact that I’m pretty sober always becomes a source of tension for some reason, and people get upset that they can’t peer pressure me into doing things. I then get called a b\*tch, p\*ssy, vanilla, boring, etc
I don’t really talk to the rest of my mom’s side very often, but I’m generally on good terms with them. BUT most of the men are in and out of prison, most of the women are welfare or chronic dependents and aren’t really trying to improve their situation.
I don’t have any contact with my dad’s side of the family. I have resentment for all of my family for knowing how abusive my father was, knowing I was homeless/gangbanging, and letting me go into fostercare as a child. I feel my mother has no right to ask me for anything because she didn’t do her job as a parent. Still, I’ve never cut contact even though I’ve thought about since I was a child. I’d just feel guilty knowing I would be hurting another person (my mom). On top of that, I’m a pretty isolated person, because of some of the things that I went through has left me with codependency/abandonment issues, and I have a hard time making deep connections with people, even though I’m pretty well liked by strangers.
I’m moving across the country soon, and I have the opportunity to change my number, delete social media, and never see or hear from anyone I’ve known again. I find my mom’s dependency issues as annoying, self inflicted, and a burden and I can completely escape her trying to inch me into the role my grandma has been covering her entire life. On top of that, to be honest I don’t actually enjoy hearing from her, there’s so much resentment, and on top of that every conversation has been the same because she does the same thing everyday, and always has. She eats, sleeps, and watches tv. Every conversation about her day is about her eating, sleeping, or watching tv, or needing something. (I hate saying that because it sounds so cold, but I really don’t care about those things, especially from her).
I could probably still keep contact with my cousin, but that leaves an opening for the rest of the family to contact me which I’m not to fond of. The downside to all of this of course is that I’d be alone, no emergency contacts, no old connections, just alone in a new city.
Edit: I’m 29m, cousin is 27m, mom is 52f,
tl;dr I’m thinking about ghosting my family, and I’m unsure on what to do
6 comments
You’d be justified to cut them all out, consider keeping in touch with cousin, unless that would suck you back into that soul-crushing disaster zone. Also to be clear your mom is equally responsible for the abuse you suffered, for not protecting you, and most likely passively protected your father. I’m so sorry you went through that!!
Cut them all off. Your cousin may be a “nice guy”, but he is definitely not a good person. People like that tend to drag everyone down with them.
It will be hard on your own, but you will be safer without those kind of people in your life.
Get some therapy, interact with coworkers, neighbors. It will take some time, but you will build a better support group in the long run.
You could. You could do it.
Another thing that you could do instead is to keep them in your life but instead firm up your boundaries. Maybe you don’t tolerate being called names and being peer pressured into doing what your cousin wants, just like how he “negs” the other women in his life and brags to you about it. Maybe your expectations for your mother is next to 0 and you refuse to do anything for her. You refuse to let her be dependent on you.
I know that these people really aren’t great, but they’re hardly the only people you’re going to run into with these problems. There’s plenty of people out there looking to use you for all that you are worth and having these skills under your belt isn’t a bad thing.
Ghosting is much harder these days, with websites posting addresses, phone numbers, voting registration, and so much more.
If you choose to ghost, you will have to learn how to stay under the radar, which is stressful and will potentially interfere with your interests.
It may be much simpler to go “very low contact”, and keep a Google voice number or similar, and a separate email, to keep them at arms length.
Best wishes.
The lack of an emergency contact could be an issue for your new workplace – I’d ask someone in HR/your line manager “hey, I’ve moved across the country and don’t know anyone in <city>, at the moment I don’t have a useful emergency contact and the thing that would be the most awkward would be if I got in an accident and couldn’t get to work, can I give your contact details as emergency contact on my medical docs?” You can say “useful” if you don’t want to have to explain your life story to your colleagues, and they’ll probably understand that your family isn’t nearby enough to help.
I would go no/very low contact, they seem like they’ve drained a lot from you. Once you’re moved in, visit your new local library and see if they have any interest group meetings that you might want to go to. I always try to find a board game club because I’m a nerd, but you might find a book review group, a knitting club, a hiking society, a regular folk dance event etc, any of which could be good ways of making new friends who aren’t unhelpful or abusive family members. Interest groups are also often quite cheap compared to a night of drinking at pubs/clubs!
-“I’m moving across the country soon, and I have the opportunity to change my number, delete social media, and never see or hear from anyone I’ve known again.”
Yes, do this! Break free for real and live your life! Choose your friends and family well and be as happy as you can! You got this!
Do not keep contact with your cousin. He is an addict and you don’t need that in your life. You are responsible for yourself and don’t need to be burdened with his issues.
-“The downside to all of this of course is that I’d be alone, no emergency contacts, no old connections, just alone in a new city.”
You are “alone” now while surrounded by leeches who are sucking your life. You’ll be ok. You’ll have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. It takes time to build a network of support. I’ve had to do it as well.
I am inspired by your strength of character and wish you the best.