Long story short: we’ve been together for almost 7 years, and in the past two years her sex drive dropped to zero. She always had low libido, but now we haven’t had any kind of sexual activity for the past 5 months. We discussed it, and I told her that I can’t see a future with her if that has to be a sexless relationship. She said she now finds really hard to be sexually attracted to me, or to feel sexual in general. She finds me objectively attractive but she doesn’t feel any sexual drive. We both love each other a lot and every other aspect of the relationship works really well. We agreed to start couple therapy to better understand what’s going on. But also, she suggested the idea of opening up the relationship and letting me have sex with other girls. We don’t have any ideological commitment to monogamy, so I’m considering the idea. On the one hand, I’d like to finally have sex again, but on the other hand I see it as a very messy solution.
So I guess I’m asking, how opening up the couple impacted your relationship with your SO?
Tl;dr: she has zero libido, we want to stay together, we’re considering an open relationship. Is it a good idea?
9 comments
Have you always been monogamous? I’m guessing you and your girlfriend have always been committed to each other in your relationships and this potential agreement has come from years of sexual incompatibility.
Personally I don’t think you can just switch to an open relationship 7 years down the line in an attempt to patch over a already fractured relationship. What’s the end goal here? Marriage? Kids?
You’ve mentioned that your girlfriend now doesn’t find you attractive only ‘objectively’, so you’re now in a position where you want to feel some intimacy, you want to feel desired and regain that ‘spark’ with someone else. If you’ve spent your entire life being monogamous, and same for her you are almost definitely staring down the barrel of confrontation down the line. I defy anyone who has spent 7 years with someone not to get jealous, bitter and resentful when their partner gets what they need from someone else.
You’re more than likely going to find yourself in a situation where you, or her realises that another person is triggering all those feelings you used to have for each other.
If she agreed to an open relationship she is doing it reluctantly, to continue the relationship and it’ll be hurting her a lot.
And if you did suggest it it’s because you’ve spent years getting rejected and feeling conflicted, upset, frustrated and rejected and you don’t know what else to suggest other than separation.
I think you need to take a very long look at the relationship. I (33f) also had a 7 year relationship with someone who had no libido, pretty much after the first year of our relationship. It absolutely killed me and we had many arguments about it. I loved him and didn’t want to admit to myself the relationship was dead in the water. I also tentatively mentioned seeing other people which didn’t go down well, I also know in hindsight even if it did, all it would have done is opened my eyes to how much better it could be. I eventually left him and now in a relationship that is absolutely incredible and so is our sex life.
Essentially, what you have now is a housemate you love, she is much more in line with a friend than a girlfriend and I think you both need to accept that you’re incompatible on a core part of your relationship and move on. If you love each other it can be amicable and you can maintain your friendship.
Edit: re-read ops post and changed a few things.
>But also, she suggested the idea of opening up the relationship and letting me have sex with other girls. We don’t have any ideological commitment to monogamy, so I’m considering the idea. On the one hand, I’d like to finally have sex again, but on the other hand I see it as a very messy solution.
I really struggle to find any open relationships that have actually “worked.” I’m sure there are out there. But as a whole, I think its a last-ditch hail mary, rather than a viable solution.
I did this. It was a terrible idea. We are now divorced. Don’t do it. You’ll get emotionally involved with a f*ck buddy, or they’ll get pregnant by accident, or they’ll want money, or they’ll want you to leave your wife.
By the way, I was the low libido partner.
The aforementioned ex has a best friend who is (as far as I know) still married to his wife of several decades. They haven’t had sex in forever, so he hires a call girl once a month to get his rocks off, and sees the same escort as one of her “regulars” every time. His wife doesn’t know, or pretends she doesn’t know. Maybe this is the way to go, since a professional won’t get emotionally involved. But it’s sad and I doubt that either my ex’s friend or his wife are very happy.
Has she tried to pick apart what’s changed to drop her libido? Mine revved sky high in my late 20’s… It could be hormonal, mental health related, is there something else in your relationship that is basically keeping her too tired mentally/physically to get in the mood? (thinking along the lines of hiring cleaning/garden services to outsource chores so you have more time together as a couple….)
There’s a wide spectrum on sexuality, and I think sometimes women have more sex than they actually want, to make a partner happy. Then after comfort creeps in they drop to what is normal baseline for them. Equally, sometimes a woman isn’t getting enough out of sex to be motivated to seek it – if you went to a restaurant and your boyfriend always got a 3-star meal and you got a plate of fries… you wouldn’t wanna go to the restaurant much, if you catch my meaning. Being turned on can be a very mental thing for women and it’s gonna sound funny but my fella came home, cleaned the kitchen and rubbed my shoulders and I couldn’t get his clothes off fast enough – because I felt cared for and it turns out that’s an intrinsic need to put ME in the mood. Maybe your GF has a similar need, and she might not even understand it herself?
I would recommend unpacking that before you go into an open relationship. Once you’ve got to the root of that, there’s subreddits for poly folk that might provide useful perspective.
**Do not do this.**
You cannot have a successful open relationship to “fix” a problem in your currently relationships. Open relationships only work when they begin from a healthy, functioning relationship and both partners enthusiastically agree.
You are having problems with your partner. How do you think adding MORE people to this is going to make it better?
Sounds more like comfort and that she isn’t in love with you anymore.
See opening a relationship doesn’t fix anything and I bet 100% that 1 of you will find other love and walk away.
Your relationship has ran its course OP, at this point your friends so why drag it out and hurt eachother.
Go for it. Variety is the spice of life
She fell out of love with you. She may still love you but she’s not “in love”. Aka there’s no excitement when she sees or thinks about you. Opening the relationship won’t bring the love back. Her at age 20 and her now and two completely different people. She wants different things now.
This happened to me. Started dating at 19. Broke up at 26. Spent 2 years “finding myself” and being single since it’s something I never got to do. Then engaged at 29 to someone who couldn’t be more opposite to the guy I was dating before. But I’m so happy. I love him more than I ever loved the ex. I just had no context for what love should look like when I was a teen.
She just isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore. You guys shouldn’t stay together. Don’t open up, just break up.