Hi everyone, this is my first post on here and I’m hoping I can get some insight into what’s been happening inside my relationship recently. I’m scared that I am being emotionally abusive or unreasonable, and I want to learn how we can fix some of these issues.
One example of the issues we’ve been having occurred last night. He is a year older than me and attended college in a different state, and moved to my state last summer. In December, I had noticed he was having a Snapchat conversation with a girl, and as I have dealt with cheating partners in the past, I asked him who it was. He told me it was a friend from college and showed me her Instagram to show me that she was from the state he had moved from, and assured me that I had nothing to worry about.
On Saturday morning, he told me that he had gotten a call at 2am from a girl he had had a sexual relationship with from several months, but that he didn’t answer the call. He showed me the missed call, and I noticed that it was the same name as the girl I had seen him exchange messages with a few months ago.
After putting the pieces together and realizing that he hadn’t told me the full truth about the nature of his past relationship with the girl I had seen his messages with, I lost it. I noticed myself getting very angry, losing control of my emotions, and even got to the point of asking him to remove all of his past sexual partners from social media and making a big deal about him not telling me the full truth. I was bringing up other events from the past that were independent of this one. I wouldn’t say “I love you” back to him when he was apologizing.
Now, after thinking about it more this morning, I am concerned that this is emotionally abusive behavior. He has never given me an actual reason to not trust him, and I feel like it was actually very mature of him to share the fact that he had gotten a call and not hide that from me. He told me that he had been friends with her for a long time prior to them forming a relationship, and I haven’t seen him talk to her since December, and I realize that it simply could’ve just been a random and platonic conversation and that he didn’t tell me exactly who she was because it really was nothing to worry about.
Can anyone give me any insight into this? Am I being emotionally abusive? How can I move forward and be a better partner?
TL;DR: When my partner and I get into arguments, I feel like I can display overly controlling and emotionally abusive behavior. How can I repair these behaviors to be a better partner?
4 comments
I asked my girlfriend what to respond to this with and she said that you got some trust issues that you need to deal with on your own.
Emotionally abusive behavior would be a more likely label here if you had started to show a solid pattern of manipulative or toxic actions (maybe you have? You mentioned there were other worrisome incidents). So far, I just see a lot of jealousy that *could* absolutely trigger behavioral patterns.
You zoning in on a particular Snapchat conversation just because it was with a female is…well…not healthy. I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate the above interaction if I were your boyfriend.
Give yourself a pat on the back for putting yourself in check though (for real). Mindfullness helps us work through a lot of our emotions and actions. I’d suggest therapy if you are up for it. The fact that you are comparing past partners to him is not only unfair and unfounded, but it sounds like you have deeper issues to process.
First off, good on you for realizing your behavior was wrong. Some people can’t go back and see where they were wrong.
That said, you’re right. Your behavior was inappropriate. Blowing up and trying to make him delete all of his past lovers was over the top. I will say, my partner and I did just that when we first got together. But that is a decision and a boundary you have to make *together*. *Forcing* him to do anything is not okay. Neither is bringing up past events. When you get into a fight, solve it, and do your best to let it go. Bringing up old shit only hurts the chances of the current fight being solved. And not saying you loved him too was just immature.
My advice on how to be a better partner is if you start to feel yourself get to the point of screaming, walk away. Cool down. Find something that helps you calm down. Journaling? A song? A breathing exercise or meditation? Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What do I want to come out of this conversation? Do not go back into the conversation until you can speak calmly and with a level-head. You will get *so* much further by explaining your feelings and why you feel that way than when you yell and shout mean things. That doesn’t work for anyone.
I’d also do some self-reflection and see why you immediately jumped to such a strong conclusion of him being shady. He should’ve told you the full truth about the girl the first time, but he was genuinely respectful and showed you everything on his phone. It might’ve just slipped his mind the first time. He seems like an okay dude with the limited amount of information you gave.
> got to the point of asking him to remove all of his past sexual partners from social media
his reaction?