We’re in our mid thirties and both are successful/established in our careers. We live together and have a good life. He’s the quiet, but loveably goofy type and doesn’t like to talk much about his feelings. I’m a bit more on the anxious side, and I think Covid has made it worse. Ironically, I’m much more decisive and emotionally vulnerable. He has a hard time with big changes.
Before we moved in together, I said I wanted to know for sure that he saw marriage, family, and commitment in our future and he assured me he did. I was in a long term relationship a few years prior to this that ended with my former partner confessing that he never really saw a long term future with me. So commitment is a sore spot for me/hits me where it hurts. I have always been transparent since then about what I’m looking for.
A few months ago (about a year into living together). I asked where he saw himself in a few years, when he’d want to get married, etc. I was pretty stunned when he said he didn’t know. Not only did he not know when, but also if I was the person he’d be marrying. Essentially, not 100% sure about us. I was pretty horrified and hurt. I didn’t try to hide it (lots of tears) but I also dropped the subject after that night. I felt sick and I’m not sure I’ve really fully recovered trust wise since. He still sends me houses he wants us to buy, talks about our future kids, etc. I’ve generally tried to give him space and not pressure him or bring it up. Truth is I’ve been scared to.
Fast forward to today. We’re on a romantic vacation surrounded by young newly weds all week. People are asking us if we’re on our honeymoon or if he’s going to propose and I feel sick still knowing that I don’t know. We were laying in bed and like word vomit, I brought it up again. I think I was high on the vacation vibes and didn’t think it would go poorly. I was mistaken. I got the same answer plus some insights into why he’s not sure. He said sometimes he worries that we’re on different tracks in terms of lifestyle. He’s generally a bit more adventurous than me and is worried that my anxiety affects him too much. I always perceived this difference to be pretty minor, sometimes he wants to go out and I don’t, but 8/10 times we’re on the same page. Also, I’m fine with him going without me and don’t expect him to do every single thing I want.
Now, I’m not sure what to do. This is the best partner of my life and I’m not sure if I’m ruining it or if I’m being a blind fool who will never live up to his expectations. I can work on burdening him less but will I still be in limbo? I do go to therapy and try my best to be a good partner.
Tl;dr bf is unsure he wants to marry me and I don’t know what to do.
10 comments
Honestly of course anxiety is a problem but if the person loves you he will be understandable and try to help you go through it. Also, you shouldnt be always worried about burdening him less or to be a good partner – does he has the same concerns, does he work on being a better partner to you?
Maybe you can just have a honest talk with him and say that your goal is to get married and if thats something he is not sure he wants, you resepct it but you will have to find someone willing to be sure and love you for the great person you are.
Guys get married when they are ready. you can either be patient and wait and enjoy the romance or find a guy who is ready.
Isn’t really about you. Stop beating around the bush with hypothetical questions. Be direct. You’re 34 and the clock is ticking.
Your needs are valid. He knew what you were about before moving in together and he changed his mind somehow. And the reason is something about you that he didn’t like. If that was a problem for him and he was committed to making it work he should have brought it up. Instead he just said nothing until you brought up marriage.
I’m so sorry but that just doesn’t look like a guy you should marry. Marriage is about good communication and overcoming problems together. But he dealt with this problem by just ignoring it and distancing himself. He might be one of those guys whose commitment issues disguise themselves as “waiting for the perfect woman”, and then nobody is ever good enough.
I hear you. Recently I was in the exact same spot as you. It was frustrating because people kept telling me not to “rush things”, but I felt mid-thirties was when things needed to happen. Marriage so I could think about starting a family!
I feel like people – especially men – can get comfortable with where a relationship is at once you live together and things are going well. I think it’s completely fair for you to let him know where your head is at. Especially because you guys discussed the future before moving in together. Don’t purposely try to avoid bringing it up.
Do you go to therapy, together? Or is he trying to give you an easy brush off without revealing the real issue which is that he’s not really into the relationship anymore?
If your anxiety is such a problem why is he with you right now? Why is he wanting to do long term things like buy houses and have children? It’s really illogical.
Have you tried very directly asked him why he agreed to move in with you knowing that you didn’t want to get married? He’s basically gone back on what he previously communicated – so what changed? I understand this subject is a sore spot, but ignoring it and choosing to assume reasons instead of asking him is a waste of your time. All this stuff about different lifestyles, little signs about what he wants, etc etc is just distracting you from reality. You feel like you are mentally making progress on figuring out stuff, but you really aren’t. You deserve the respect of a truthful answer. Demand one.
He’s not ready but is blaming you for his uncertainty. It’s a great way to get you to think it’s your fault so you’ll work on yourself and not pressure him into marriage.
I’ve been in a relationship where my partner wasn’t ready but I was. We were together 10 years and engaged for 2 years. I ended things when it was clear we were never going to get married lol and that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. Turns out he was uncertain about marrying me because he was in the closet, not because of anything I did or was. Leaving him was the right choice for me. And I’ve found someone I’m more compatible with and he can’t wait to marry me.
If you stay with him I’m sure you’ll figure things out. If you don’t, you’ll find someone else who is a better fit
What a weirdo – does he actually expect to find a partner that is 100% compatible with him in every aspect of his life? Good luck with that. He’ll probably do better with one of those partner-robots, where he can program in all his preferences.
What I find especially heinous about the way he voiced his doubts is that now you feel pressured to adapt yourself to his wishes, to make yourself into the perfect partner for him so that he’ll want to marry you after all. He can just raise the carrot a little higher, and watch you jump and jump, trying to catch it. Eff that shut. Don’t change yourself to conform to his wishes – start therapy to work on your anxiety, and hopefully your therapist will be able to work out with you whether your bf is actually the right partner for you, or whether it wouldn’t make more sense to move out at this point, and give him time away from you to sort himself out.
For him, the status quo is really convenient – he has a live-in gf that obviously worships him, without having to make any kind of commitment. Maybe if you moved out, he’d stop taking you for granted. And also: Don’t buy a house together unless you’re married! Having that kind of financial commitment together, without the marriage to go with it, would be hell when you split up.
At 34 you have zero time to waste to be honest. That sucks to hear, but if marriage and children are a top priority to you and he cannot make any commitment related to that after 2 years then he’s probably not the one and I’m truly sorry.
Honestly, I would try to date someone older than you who is ready for kids. There’s a lot of single men under 40 but over 35 who are ready. They’ve been career oriented and just haven’t met the one yet. It’s unfair because men can have their first kid at 50 or even older if they want to, we don’t have that luxury.
It sounds like he’s not very scared to lose you which puts you in a very dangerous and vulnerable position. You need to decide if you accept that position or not. You need to have a very serious discussion with him. Not to put an ultimatum on him or corner him but just to be totally honest about the situation. You’re not happy. You feel like he doesn’t love you enough to marry you. Marriage and kids are important to you and you don’t have time to wait around another 2 years. How are you two going to address these things? Is there a way to fix this? Is he going to keep dragging you along?
I don’t want this to be a fight, but these are hard questions that he needs to answer if there’s any hope for you in this thing.
I would not want to be with someone who is in his 30s and doesn’t know what he wants for the next few years.
At his age, and after two years, he knows if he wants to marry you. If he’s waffling, it’s because he doesn’t want to lose you but doesn’t want to do what it takes to keep you either.