My bf and I broke up a while back. We saw each other recently and he was extremely cold/defensive detached and then said he still loves me and that he thinks of me each day. Then, after, he became cold again. Then after made love to me. It was a whole cycle.
I felt like the whole time was an emotional roller coaster – warm, cold, warm, cold.
He hugged me deeply and lovingly, and would not let me leave when I wanted to stop hugging (I got restless).
I do not know how to read the whole interaction. He was SO hot and cold and I am deeply confused.
I asked him at some point which is the real him, and he said you know.
And when he thought I was asleep, he started caressing me and saying he loves me, despite then being so cold the next morning.
tl;dr: My ex and I met up and he was super affectionate one moment and super cold the other. not sure how to cope with it, or how to proceed.
24 comments
There are not two versions of him. He enjoys banging you but then acts cold because he doesn’t want anything more than that. Then he’s nice again to keep you on the hook.
He’s playing games and I’d walk away.
There is one version of him. It’s the version that finds it too much work to be consistently kind and loving, but knows that if he doles out a glimpse of that here and there it’ll keep you on the hook.
It would be a bad idea to keep seeing this guy. He cannot give you what you need but he can keep you from finding it elsewhere.
This isn’t a two-sided person; it’s just one manipulative AH.
Well, he still loves you, sure, but he’s cold because he’s bitter or resentful or depressed about the fact that you’re not together anymore.
Unless you sincerely want to get back with him, keep some distance and don’t sleep with him. Don’t give him anything to mislead him. Be honest with him about how you feel.
But he’s not your responsibility. It’s not your job to make him happy or worry about him being sad or upset that you’re broken up. Seriously, spending any time with him will just keep this situation going.
Something about this post sent a shiver down my spine. I’m scared for you.
Even if I’m wrong about how dangerous this guy is, this is not healthy and you can’t fix it. I recommend getting out of there ASAP (and carefully).
He sounds unhinged. If you were my daughter I’d immediately ask you to stop seeing this guy for your own mental and possibly physical well-being.
I’d recommend looking into attachment theory and seeing if anything resonates with you. Unfortunately, guys like this are unlikely to ever change until someone hurts them. You’re almost certainly not able to change him.
The reason I think you should look into it is so that you can make sense of his behavior, know it’s not about you, and start to move on.
Bi-polar disorder? Low emotional IQ? Childhood intimacy issues? The list could go on-and-on. I can tell you with certainty though – that nobody that truly loves you is going to switch hot and cold like that and be something you can deal with long-term.
Too many people worry so much about how they feel for a person. They do not worry enough about how that person makes THEM feel. If you’re constantly confused… he is not it. He may or may not intentionally be using you, but that’s going to feel like what he’s doing sooner or later. Just leave him to it, he doesn’t know what he wants. If he did, he would be consistent and you would not be confused.
Cut contact maybe? Stop seeing him? You broke up for a reason, keep it that way.
I say this with care and not to criticize you. Why do you not have more self respect and higher standards on how you wish to be treated? I would certainly not do an effort to keep him in my life, and definitely definitely not sleep with someone who is showing you so little respect. Consistency and actions matching words is respect. He is manipulating you. Do not let him toy with you
He could just be heartbroken but then again he could be manipulating you.
Run. I played this game plus 2 more years age gap. This is not normal or ok. Block, delete and do what ever you need to detox him at 34 you may say he’s not emotionally intelligent enought to be manipulating you but he straight up is and someone like this if they are not in therapy isn’t going to be “fixed” anytime soon and you shouldn’t wait. He’s old enough this isn’t changing without major help.
I’ve been in a relationship just like this. Please RUN. It will not end well.
He is hot then cold because he’s not invested in the relationship. He likes what you provide (attention, sex, love) but doesn’t want to commit. He gives you just enough to keep you coming back, and when he feels you getting attached, pulls away abruptly.
This is toxic and manipulative, and he will eventually end it for good once he’s bled you dry emotionally and finds a new partner to take advantage of.
Oh sweetie. I hate to say this, but he isn’t emotionally capable of giving you what you need. From what you describe he is eighter unable or doesn’t want to give you the emotional connection you need. For your own sake please do not stay around him. There is someone out there who can give you the emotional connection you need, but its not your ex.
Leave him why are you trying so hard if you know the end result of you are happy then stay if not don’t be a fool
So here is the thing stop being curious about which side is real or Whether he loves you or why he is warm or cold.
You gotta get out of there that’s all matters.
Do you know anything from his backgroups/childhood? Was it different when you dated? This sounds like deep issues. It rather seems like anxiety comes up when he openly shows love to you and he can’t deal with it.
I agree though with the previous comments; don’t stay, it’ll hurt you more than it does good. But be open with him why you leave for got, it might give him the kick he needs to consider help.
Hey, look up cycle of violence. You will understand the situation better.
When people show you who they are, believe them. This guy is not healthy.
Please LEAVE this happened to me and it consumed me. He was super affectionate then cold, it plays with your mind. It will keep happening and you will be confused all the time.
I’m confused. You’ve broken up already, no? So *why are you still seeing him*?! Get out of there now
He’s your ex. He has the same feelings towards you. I bet you were having cuddles and being affectionate in a specific setting, and feeling weird and being cold in another.
He is a classic sociopath suffering from Borderline Narcissistic Disorder. There is no cure and you must break it off with him ASAP!!! I was married to one for many years and suffered tremendously with his on again off again behavior. I knew it was time to get out when he became addicted to drugs and blamed me for every problem he ever had resulting in very violent episodes ending in him going to jail and leaving me with broken bones and severe PTSD.