Should men still approach women in person (in public) or is that harassment now?

13 comments

1. Some women will use the excuse that men are being creepy towards them in public just because they don’t find them attractive enough to talk to. On the other hand there are plenty of men who are legitimately creepy towards women in bars or clubs.

   It’s usually considered creepy if a guy goes to a club or bar alone and approaches girls, so I would suggest going to a club with as many friends as possible both males and females. It’s important to be both flirty and considerate, asking to buy a drink is fine but if your advances are immediately rejected you cannot continue to pursue somebody. Tinder is also fine as long as u put that u aren’t just looking for hook-ups which most girls will claim they find unattractive and gross

2. I would encourage you to reframe your approach. Women—like any human being—enjoy positive social interactions, whether that be with friends, acquaintances, or strangers. But there are also times where they may want to be left alone (such as the gym, depending on the person). I would simply encourage you to take more social initiative in general, strike up more conversations, and go to more activities, events, or environments where people are socially receptive. But read the room. It’s ok to test someone’s boundaries (within reason), but once they have let you know where they are it is not ok to cross them.

   EDIT: And also, yes, attraction does play a factor. Some women will be attracted to you, some won’t. Some women are also just more naturally outgoing. If a woman is not being very engaging with you, just find a way to exit the conversation politely. If a woman is engaging you in conversation, perhaps consider asking for her contact info if it feels right.

3. What your friends and these tik tok videos REALLY mean is they are annoyed when unattractive men approach them. If Bradley Cooper approached them they would not be annoyed. Bottom line is only use cold approaches with girls below your league, otherwise use the apps bro.

4. Of course we should still approach women. We just have to learn when it’s appropriate.

    

   It’s interesting that you say you were looking through TikTok, and saw videos of women expressing their annoyance with men approaching them. Chances are, those videos were just 30 second – 1 minute rants about the general inconvenience of being approached. I’m wiling to bet they didn’t go into much detail about the specifics of *how* they were approached.

    

   Women love to be approached by men. But only when the approach is made by men they’re actually interested in. That’s the unpleasant truth of attraction. Now obviously, there is also a proper time and place to make an approach. If you just happen to see a woman you find attractive and approach irregardless of the social setting, then it doesn’t really matter how attractive you are, or attracted she is to you, you might get turned down or ignored.

    

   The issue with making an approach isn’t about whether or not it’s *okay* to do so. It’s about whether or not you’ve been give the “green light” to approach.

    

   Most guys tend to get lost in their own nerves and anxiousness when they see a cute girl. Ponder a good pick-up line or conversation starter, wipe their sweaty palms dry, and walk up to her and approach. There’s no previous input on *her* end. He just bites the bullet, and shoots his shot. There’s nothing inherently *wrong* with this, it’s just, you aren’t doing your due “research” to see beforehand if the approach, and your opening interest will be reciprocated. So often times, when an approach is made, you’re basically putting a woman on the spot to assess the situation, you, your conversation piece, and how she feels about the entire things.

    

   That can be overwhelming for most people, and the usual immediate response is to just get it over with so they can go back to whatever it is they were doing. Errands, grocery shopping, exercising, working, thinking, reading, etc.

    

   When you make a cold approach with no previous social ques, you’re going in blind. You have no clue as to whether or not she’s interested in you, and would be open to you approaching her. Most of the time, you’ll have a bad experience, but it isn’t because it’s *her* fault for shooting you down, and not giving you a chance. Ultimately, it’s *your* fault for not giving her the social courtesy to “invite you over”.

    

   So how do you get that invitation?

    

   Women will help you when they’re interested and like you. The next time you find yourself out in a socially relaxed setting; A cafe, a bar, a park, etc, don’t hound down the first cute girl you see. Sit in your presence and get comfortable by yourself, or with the company you’re with. **Observe** the people around and see how they’re interacting in the space and the people within it. If you see someone you’d like to approach, or are interested in, make note of it, but don’t act on that initial feeling just yet. Wait and see how *she* reacts.

    

   – Is she looking in your direction?

   – Do you find that you both catch each other starring at one another more than a few times?

   – If/When you both look at each other, does she grin/smile at you?

   – In a more aggressive sense, are you finding that she tends to be moving around in the same areas as you, or even get close to you?

   – If you’re confident enough, if you catch eyes and smile at her or wave, does she do the same?

    

   There are numerous ques she should do, but ultimately, it all adds up to being an overall sense of openness to *you**. You get the sense that she’s inviting you to make a move, or say something; Introduce yourself, or at least start a conversation. Of course, you have to be careful with these things, since if you’re too obvious/weird about it, all of those points above could simply be coincidence, or her looking at you because you’re weirding her the fuck out by constantly starring at her.

    

   But it’s a start. I’ve had much more success in my dating life *after* learning to look and see who would be open to an approach, rather than just walking blindly up to any and everyone *I* found attractive, not giving them the chance to evaluate how they feel about me first from afar.

    

   A cool additional benefit to holding back and being present in a social setting, aside from just trying to hound every woman you see, is sometimes, you’ll even find that women will approach **you**, which is always a wonderful feeling.

5. Really men should do what they should have been doing all along: being way more selective about the women they choose to let into their lives.

   Edit: so when women are selective about men it’s justified but when men are selective about women it’s somehow downvote worthy? You people are fucked.

6. Here’s the thing. Not all women are the same. Some like to be approached and some don’t. It’s not harassment, but you don’t want to approach a woman somewhere that she can’t leave. Is she at work? Is she at the gym? Those are places where she can’t just walk away.
   For me it’s kind of nice to get short compliments about a choice we made. Not my body. “Hey, that’s a really cool top!” or “I like your ear piercings.” Those hit different than “you look hot in that dress.” or “hey, nice tits!” Keeping compliments short is good. I don’t feel like I have to abandon my cart of groceries when you come up and tell me “Hey, that’s a really cool dress. Here’s my number if you want to grab coffee or go out to lunch some time.”
   If I’m out at a bar, you can get more time without creeping me out, but you have to be able to read body language and take a hint. If I keep turning away from you then say it was nice meeting me and walk away. Don’t keep trying to bust into my other conversation or hand me numbers when I’m trying to make you go away (unless I say otherwise).
   Other women are probably going to think differently about the specifics, but MOST women don’t want to be trapped somewhere while you hit on us.

7. Women are annoyed if the guys they don’t like approach them. But they’re delighted if the guys they want talk to them. 🙂

   Joking aside, it really depends on how you approach her and at what time. If you say a sleazy pick up line while she’s running late for a meeting, then you shouldn’t be surprised about a negative reaction.

   But if you politely talk to her while she’s waiting for the bus. Then there’s nothing wrong with approaching her. She’ll appreciate it and be flattered.

   As for the dating apps versus approaching…

   Just ask yourself, why are women using dating apps?

   Because most guys don’t approach them anymore. So they have to sign up for Tinder and Bumble to be able to meet someone.

   No romance novel ever started with: “And then I swiped right on him.”

8. If they are hot they should if not it is harassment

9. I am happy for guys to approach me as long as they are respectful! Starting a conversation or giving a non-sexual compliment is fine with me. And if a girl says she’s not interested just leave, don’t try to persuade her, it’s scary when a guy refuses to leave you alone while you’re by yourself.

   I had a recent experience where the guy exhibited almost every red flag possible and it was terrifying. I was on a walk in a busy park when a visibly older guy approached me with his friend. He told me I looked beautiful which I thanked him for. He asked if I wanted to go for a drink with them so I said sorry I’m not interested. This is where he should have left. Instead he started asking me questions about myself which I answered uncomfortably (I didn’t say anything too personal but I still didn’t like it). He asked my age and I said 20 and that he looks older and I’m only interested in guys my age. He said he was 25 but it doesn’t matter because ‘age is just a number’ (super creepy). Again I said I’m not interested and age does matter to me. When I’m uncomfortable I smile, not in a cheesy or happy way, I clearly looked uncomfortable but he told me I must be interested because I was smiling. He then asked for my number and I said no. He said he wouldn’t take no for an answer (advice: if you say this to someone it makes you sound like a rapist, if you can’t respect consent in a public setting then I would assume you also can’t respect consent privately). He kept asking until I gave him my instagram but I said I’d only give it to him if he doesn’t dm me. He made me follow him back. He then said him and his friend would walk me home (again, sounds like a rapist/stalker) which I obviously said no to. Also I was on a walk so I wasn’t going home anyway. He eventually left and I walked in the opposite direction but for the rest of my walk I felt so scared and uncomfortable and was terrified I’d see them again. He did dm me on instagram too after I’d told him not to.

   This all took place during the day in a busy area so I’d hate to think how it could’ve gone if it was dark or less busy. The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes and although there were many people around, no one walked directly past us so I couldn’t gesture that I needed help. I wanted to tell him to go away or that he’s a creep but I just couldn’t, I was too scared that if I wasn’t polite something might happen. I think it’s called the fawn response where you just play along and hope it’ll end. Thankfully he’d told me he doesn’t live in the area so I hopefully won’t see him again but I still think about it every time I’m in that park. If he’d just left after I said I wasn’t interested, I would’ve taken the compliment and probably felt good about it but it very quickly stopped feeling like a compliment and it made me feel worse.

   To be clear OP, I’m not saying that this is what you’re thinking at all, the fact you’re asking suggests you’d probably be respectful. I just thought it’d be good to give an example of what not to do for anyone reading. If someone says they’re not interested, you aren’t entitled to know why, it’s not an invitation to keep talking and don’t interpret them talking back to you as being interested if they’ve told you they’re not, they’re probably just scared of you.

   If you are respectful girls won’t call you creepy but the girls on TikTok probably did have experiences similar to mine so that’s why they say it. Unfortunately it’s much more common than you’d think and lots of my friends have been approached by creeps too. Don’t let this put you off, just make sure you don’t do any of the things I described in my experience and remember no means no!

10. It’s only harassment if you aren’t hot enough for them.. or if they are at work or busy.

    Women don’t seem to mind bothering me when I am playing pool, or in the middle of a conversation. I tend to just ignore them after ask them to wait until I am done. Normally they will wait a few minutes.

11. Depends on how/when and where you approach and whether she find you attractive or not.

12. It’s very much based on the environment in my opinion. Whether I’m interested or not I’ll never be offended if you approach me at a bar or a festival, in fact I’m usually flattered no matter who it is (unless you’re my grandpa’s age but that’s another issue).

    But let’s say you try to make a move on me at work or in the middle of the street or at the gym, be prepared to get flipped off or get the uncomfortable cold shoulder.

    People love to be flattered and people love attention, it’s an ego boost! There is however a fine line between flattery and creepy. Pressuring me to come meet you at a bar after work? Harassment. Telling me you like my jacket while waiting in line for coffee? Really nice, and might even get me to start up a conversation. It’s all about the environment and approach. Just read the room and body language and you’ll be fine 🙂

13. The old “cute meet and greet” is mostly seen on TV and in Romcom movies these days.

    If a woman isn’t flirting with you or making eye contact, it’s usually best not to *interrupt* her.

    Approaching women in bars/nightclubs/dance clubs/parties and other social gatherings in addition to online dating sites is generally accepted and considered normal. They’re here to meet/socialize.

    Extending an invite to women you are regularly in contact with or around is also a possibility such as co-workers you’ve known for a while, people who attend hobby/interest group meetings from your local Meetup site, or anyone *you greet routinely*. Essentially, you’re *not* “strangers”.

    It usually comes down to whether or not a woman *finds you attractive* and if she’s available.

    All men experience rejection from time to time no matter what the circumstances are.

    ***”Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”*** – Steve Maraboli

    ***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud

    Best wishes!