I’m a female (31) and my bf (35) and I live together, we’ve been together for a year and a half. Everything seems super normal, we spend a lot of time together and are super loving. We have sex almost everyday and it’s amazing.
One night I was curious and I went through his phone. He has a Grindr account that I had no idea about. He messages back and forth to men and trans women about hooking up. He sends pictures to them too. He has never actually met up with any of them.
I confronted him about it and he admitted that he has gay thoughts. I was way more hurt that he was doing all of this behind my back. I actually think he gets off on doing things behind my back.
If I hadn’t known about this, our relationship would seem perfectly normal, we have great friends and a beautiful home together…. Wtf do I do to make him stop or feel comfortable sharing his alternative sexually desires with me?
8 comments
I wouldn’t call him a sex addict. He has repressed parts of his sexuality and is bordering on cheating.
As for what you can do to make him feel comfortable, tell him that it doesn’t bother you that he has those desires, but it does bother you that he’s talking to these people behind your back
You buy a strap on?
Sex addict? He is confused about what he likes. He may be fighting with himself to figure out what he likes and that is okay. If you think you can handle it, then stick by him. If its to much to handle, call it quits. It’s plenty of fish in the sea as they say
As we think, we become.
He appears to be thinking gay thoughts (at times).
This isn’t a person worth staying with. Not only does he lie about his sexual interests but he essentially cheated on you.
What else is he lying about? That’s the question you need to be asking now.
I do not think your boyfriend is a sex addict…or I guess the proper thing to say would be that there is no info here that would definitively indicate him as a sex addict. All we know regarding sex is that he is not heterosexual. I’d like OP and anyone who comments to keep this in mind when replying.
I’m not going to comment on what you can do to “make him stop.” But I will comment on making him feel comfortable. You can ask him what kind of gay or non-hetero porn he likes to watch, you could offer to watch it with him as foreplay, etc. I think being open in a sexual way will help him be more comfortable opening up in general on the subject.
Too be able to make this work….you have to be open to his desires. If you can’t….don’t waste the years hun. I lived it for 16 years and it kicked my but mentally.
Each of your perspectives have been helpful, thanks all. I definitely feel heard.