Here I am, again.
Back in April I made [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/u15uis/28m_never_had_a_girlfriend_unable_to_get_women_to/) after I got rejected after my first date in a year. It was a terrible experience, but I eventually got myself back together enough to try again.
Going through dating apps (the only way to meet women in your 20s these days) was a harrowing experience, being ignored and going down dead ends. Finally, a girl is interested enough to talk back, and I finally cajole her into meeting. I can’t believe my luck.
First date goes great, I do everything right. She says I’m awesome, we meet up the next week. Even better date, we do karaoke, I think it went awesome. I actually feel a bit of hope that I finally won’t feel alone. I shouldn’t have bothered.
Then just today, in the middle of a normal conversation, she just off-handedly tells me she’s “not in the right place mentally” for dating, and we should just be friends. Basically she wasted my time for 3 weeks. Obviously women before have said this, but they don’t mean it. We probably won’t meet again. She’s just letting me down gently.
I genuinely can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Every date I’ve been on has the same pattern: we meet, have a great time, they tell me it’s great, then later on they’ll send me a big text telling me I’m “a really nice guy”, but they’re not feeling it. I’m back at square one.
And I do so much right. I’m not pushy or leery, I make them laugh lots, we have great conversations, I genuinely give a shit about them as people. And I’ve been rewarded for this by being alone for the entirety of my life. Ten years I’ve been looking for someone, and I’ve nothing to show for it. Nothing.
I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’ve never even had a kiss. I don’t know what it’s like to have another person love me. I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.
I just hate myself as a person.
What the hell am I doing wrong?
6 comments
I don’t know you or anything about you or what you’re doing right or wrong, but the basic checklist would be something along the lines of:
Social IQ (confidence, sense of humor, good listening, empathy, good storytelling, positivity, fun to be around, interesting). These are skills that take practice.
Physical attractiveness (fitness, personal style, grooming, hygiene). You work with what you got, but generally the more fit you are the more attractive you will be to most women.
Career (decent stable income, respectable job)
Lifestyle (decent housing, safe neighborhood, decent car)
No red flags (subjective, but women tend to avoid certain things like arrest record, extreme political views etc.)
My guess, based on your post, is these women are picking up on some nervousness or insecurity, maybe a little neediness or something. You’re all up in your head about it. You gotta act natural and chill out until you can get in the swing of things and it will all even out.
Look for outlets like volunteer groups, meetup groups, hobbies, church, sports. stuff like that will let you practice the social stuff and maybe meet someone outside of online which can be really superficial.
I can’t really say based on this information. So I will speculate instead. You said you’ve never had a kiss. If a first date went really well, and a second date also was going awesome, I would expect a kiss at the end of that first date and DEFINITELY by the second. (I am female so that’s my point of view on this.)
So, why didn’t that happen? Was the date going as well as you said? Because if so, that’s the time to seal the deal with a kiss.
She may have felt *you* weren’t that interested, and was pre-empting things. Or that she initially thought you had confidence, but by the end of the second date it became more obvious you didn’t.
Keep in mind I’m purely speculating.
How can you go on dates with someone for 3 weeks and not kiss them? They are losing interest because they want a bf and a physical relationship not a friend to chat with endlessly. You say your dates are awesome and go great but how is that the case if not even kissing? A good date has some hot kissing lol. These are not good dates for her.
You need to be more physical. Sit next to them on the date not across the table, as date progress touch her leg or arm, if she reciprocated keep going. If date goes well lean in and kiss her.
Your outlook comes across as typical nice guy, that girls should reward you with sex or a relationship because your nice to them, that’s not how it works and is incredibly patronising to women. They are rooting for you, they probably wanna fuck you, build the physical connection.
Basically you don’t control the outcome of any interaction, you just do it and hope for the best. The trick here would be to find a way of being ok with the process. One thing would be to practice re-framing. You could think of your date as a good start instead of proof that you’ll never find someone. You’ve made lots of progress, if you can avoid becoming bitter you can continue to do so.
One way, most of go through life hoping we will find that person. Your lucky in a way. Some of us get the way further into relationships, just to be rejected down the line. You have to be okay with who you are. People can sense insecurities a mile away.
For now, focus on yourself, if, and I mean if, while discovering and developing who you are you just might find that right person for you. Dont make that person your priority. Even then ( if you suceed) continue holding yourself as number 1, it’s probably why she’ll like you.
You’ll hopefully be fine, I hope you achieve all that your seeking in life. Best of luck.
Your not alone.
>Going through dating apps (the only way to meet women in your 20s these days) was a harrowing experience, being ignored and going down dead ends
That’s your problem. The statistics don’t lie, dating apps don’t work for almost 90% of guys out there. If you’re not willing to approach women during the day, you’re doomed.
Honestly, don’t over complicate it. Get jacked, dress well, start approaching women (look up Honest Signalz on YouTube, that’s the best coach in my opinion), and be as social as possible in your day to day by joining as many as clubs and activities as you can.