boyfriend has hurt me a lot emotionally

My (m17) life has been an emotional hell this past year because my bf (m16) has hurt me a lot. Him and I have been together for an entire year and 4 months. The deal with this is, last year my father passed away. This was a big deal to me regardless of my rocky relationship with my dad and the abuse i had endured for 16 years of my life. I was initially in shock for a few days but the first day my boyfriend had expected tears from me. I initially wanted to take a break from the internet (we are long distance) so i could grieve with my family.

He didn’t seem to like this and was upset i had changed my mind about just wanting to be near him and as well as made it about him feeling like the help he was trying to give me wasn’t enough. It was enough, i just wanted to be with my mom and siblings. At some point i even remember him saying my dad didnt deserve my grief when i was venting about my loss, when ive brought this up to him months later after i had fully processed and was able to properly confront him about it, it felt like such a half assed apology.

A couple months later he expected me to give more effort when i was in the height of my grief, i couldn’t function, i couldn’t listen to him, i couldn’t ask him to do things with me. All i could do was sleep. My mind was in such a terrible place that I agreed to giving him what he wanted, all i wanted was to be shown more affection. I dont think i received any.

Over the course of the summer of 2021 i constantly felt horrible, mixing the grief of my dad and trying to keep up with what my boyfriend wanted from me. I’ll skip over other minor details but in february 2022 – march 2022 he consistently would leave me often. Like full blown disappear on me through the day without a single word. I didnt mind if he was busy but it hurt when he would be clearly online but not responding or acknowledging much of my words.

When i found out he was basically leaving me to go hang out with friends it made me feel hurt. I expressed i felt abandoned and just wanted a heads up before he’d leave me. Instead i was told things like “i cant be online all the time” and “i feel pressured. “ i didnt feel like i was asking for much. When the topic came up again because i was upset he left me while we were hanging out to attend to a friend who was threatening su*cide (i did not know this at the time he had initially said ‘venting’) i expressed wishing he had told me sooner since he was also mildly talking in a gc with our friendgroup at that time (people from that same group left because they didnt like the way he was treating them) this delved into a back and fourth thing where he had said to me his friends thought i was being controlling.

This hurt more than anything because i really was trying to be a good boyfriend and have healthy communication. come march things get dry and distant between him and i until he leaves things because he needs a breather over his deceased cat (the cat died in february, it was now march). I wouldnt have minded if he had said SOMETHING. but i feel as though i was too harsh, in his mindset when he needs a breather he isnt thinking about giving a heads up. this caused us to argue until the point i snapped but not even at him, my mom had just come home and i yelled at her out of frustration.

She grounded me in mid march, she had known whats been going on since february and didnt allow my bf to have contact with me so i could breathe. i felt happier and less stressed that week i was grounded and i feel so horrible for admitting it. while i was gone he said he loved me and missed me more than he ever did when i was actually around. this hurt but things were going okay until late march when i had stumbled accross vents of him talking to his friends about me behind my back.

Things like “my bf is so dry with me” “i cant joke around with him anymore” showing screenshots of our personal conversations of me expressing that all i ever wanted was a heads up from him and the worst one being the night i got grounded, him saying i was controlling while he was upset. his own friends had considered maybe i wasnt feeling okay but, not once did he ever ask if i was okay when i was dry with him or stopped trying to continue conversation because i knew he’d just leave me again later.

I felt horrible, i felt a violation of trust, i thought i was an awful person but more so i was angry. i didnt speak to him for the rest of the night and impulsively tried to break up with him and cut him off the next morning. it didnt work and one of his friends talked me out of it. i wish his friend hadnt.

Through april he introduced me to the friends he had talked to about me behind my back. ever since then i have never felt truly comfortable or happy talking to them. i dont feel acknowledged by them as a person. it hurts even more to see my boyfriend give these people the affection and care i felt like ive had to beg and pointlessly keep trying to communicate for. it hurts. it still hurts.

I feel so much resentment towards him and them. my mom and friends keep urging me to leave, to listen and understand that im being abused. i dont know if i am being abused but, most days hurt and i find myself craving those good moments of affection.

There have been times his jokes have hurt me. a time in april i had said “i love my mom” when i heard something about moms, one of his friends said “theres always that one fucker with loving parents” he seemed to egg on the joke, i felt mocked. when my carpal tunnel syndrome had worsening symptoms and i was in pain he made a joke saying “bro jacked off too much” and showed his friends.

I felt humilated even if he was showing concern before the joke. another time was when i showed a gift my mother had gotten me because ive been in and out of the doctor all month, he kept jokingly asking me to buy him or give him one and when i said “its a gift from my mom” his joke was “dont care, didnt ask, get robbed.” he even let his friends joke about it and make it about money.

I know my family lives more comfortably than him and his friends but i barely ever show the things i own, especially since we only live comfortably now because of my father passing away. it was just a nice gift from my mom. i love him and ive been through so much with him but when he interacts with his current friends its hurts to see him always constantly be so much more interested in what they say or do. he even calls me a b/tch as a joke even when ive expressed i dont like being called that.

TLDR; Boyfriend treats me poorly while i grieve my father and continues to treat me poorly despite how hard ive tried to communicate, I dont know whether to break up with him and am unsure if im truly being abused like my mom and friends say.