Hello all, (HEADS UP, ITS LONG)
A little background before my question:
My wife and I had been dating for 6 years before we got married in 2020. We were both 24. We also new each other throughout high school and even went to the same church as kids.
In the fall of 2018, my now wife, messaged a semi famous musician on instagram some very inappropriate things. I found out via her showing me something on her phone and the messages were pulled up. I was very hurt by this and was not sure how to proceed.
I ended up forgiving her as it did not seem to be an issue due to the difference in status between the her and the musician. I figured that she probably would not actually do anything with someone real.
I ended up proposing in spring of 2020 after spending some time away with work in the beginning of 2020. I realized while I was away, that I did not want to be with anyone else. We had never had an issue before then.
Fast forward to now:
She has been working a lot and has made really good friends with a female from work who happens to be gay. I did not think anything of it. This began about 3 months ago.
Over the next few months, I noticed that she would always call her when I was not around, or text her rather sneaky like. I called her out on it about 1 month ago.
She confirmed my suspicions and told me she would no longer continue talking to her late at night and not hide anything from me. She also said “I would never do/say anything to anybody that I would not want you to say”. I felt good about our understanding and we moved on.
Today, I was in our room on vacation with her family when I dropped her Apple Watch from our nightstand. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through her messages with her co-worker. I was very disappointed with my findings of flirty pictures, very flirtatious text messages, and late night phone calls.
I am at a true loss for what to do next.
I asked her why, and she said that she just likes the new feeling and that she is either “all in or not in” when it comes to people. The things said on the messages do not just indicate friends.
She said that she has not done anything outside of text and calls. How do I believe this?
I know that I am not a perfect husband. We have always been different but have always had an understanding on who we are as individuals and what compromises needed to be made for each other.
I feel like I have lost all trust, even though she hasn’t technically cheated.
Any advice/similar stories/recommendations?
TIA
5 comments
My husband paid for his ex to go on a “girls trip” with her “best friend”. That was what we think was the beginning of their affair. They are now married.
Your wife has shown she is not trustworthy. She has repeatedly broken your trust. Do you have kids? If not, I’d get out now.
You married a cheater and she cheated on you. it will keep happening over the years if you stay.
Thats terrible. The worst part is the feeling that you can’t possibly give her what she sees in the other women because you aren’t another girl.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Emotional affairs are still affairs. She’s giving the time & attention that should be going to you as her partner to another person. If you *both* want the marriage to work, she has to do everything possible to rebuild the trust she’s broken. She has to go no contact with anyone she’s having an emotional affair with & give full disclosure to you. No hiding & no secrets. Also, individual & couples therapy. Otherwise, it’s a lost cause, I’m afraid.
>that she is either “all in or not in” when it comes to people
But apparently not her husband.