I can’t get over my Ex 😕

So two years ago I (25F at the time) had a relationship that was intense and relatively short, at about 5 months.
It was a poly family with 2 others, 25/M and 30/F.
It was kinky with the woman being a Domme.

It wasn’t really explicitly sexual with either of them, more focussed on kink and behavioural stuff.. The domme was very religious and had very high expectations, which led to a lot of stress and tension. I’d screw up and shed cut me off for a week or two, this happened a few times as I worked to live up to her standards..

Until one day when things seemed to be going OK, the other sub Ebenezer, a guy who had basically been someone I spent time with when she was too busy or “withholding association” kind of in between us,
He emailed me saying they’d had a discussion and things were over between them, and that it included me.

She later claimed this was a miscommunication, but that was after I had driven around to their place (they moved in a kilometre away from me) to try to talk to them.. And of course having been emailed that we were breaking up, I was upset.

So she claimed she’d just meant to break up with Ebenezer, and he’d mistakenly assumed that included breaking up with me..

Yeah so communication in poly things is crucial and I should have seen something like that coming, if I’d responded to it without getting angry I maybe could have still continued the relationship without Ebenezer.. But because I got angry she decided she was done with me too..

After all the work I had put into being acceptable to her it felt like abuse, so I got even angrier and said some very nasty things I deeply regret. It was the angriest I’ve ever been.

Trying to look at it objectively she had abused the power we gave her and she had toyed with my emotions, teasing me with playtime but really only doing it once. Despite only happening once it was the happiest I’d ever felt so had a big effect on me.

So much so that it’s two years on, I have a much healthier relationship with someone who actually respects me and I get along with much better..

And yet I just keep getting hit with grief over what happened with the Ex, guilt for all the nasty things I said to her, I wish I could have reacted to an abrupt cruel ending with more grace, maybe we could still have been friends.

I told her I wanted to do better and not say stupid shit when I’m angry but in the end I failed completely and just abused someone who had sincerely tried to help me.

I just have so much regret, I wish I could apologise but she cut me off completely, and she doesn’t owe me forgiveness..