I realized recently that I have a bad habit of constantly relating things people tell me to my own life experiences instead of listening to them. For example, if someone’s talking to me about their dog dying I’ll reply with the story of the time I found out my dog died and how bad I felt too.
I think I do this because I don’t know how to talk to people about the things they’re going through. Expressing my feelings and showing affection has really been one of my major weak points in conversations.
I’ve tried remedying this issue by asking more questions but now I feel like lots of my convos with people turn into a game of 20 Questions. I also try to throw in some life advice when I can but I feel like I’m doing it at inappropriate times when it’s unwanted.
How can I improve these skills?
1 comment
Wow. Just realizing this is a huge step. I know for me when I get nervous, I think I need to say something brilliant. But it really has been true that listening and reflecting back what they say is the most helpful way to interact. This doesn’t mean you don’t ever talk about yourself. That’s just too exhausting to always be the listener. And don’t feel pressured to throw in advice. Most people don’t want it unless they ask for it. But yeah, it’s hard not offering it unless you know the person really well. But even then, I ask if they want advice.
Maybe you can practice reflecting what people say. It’s awkward at first, but with practice you get better at summarizing what people just told you and saying it back to them in your own words. It’s called reflective listening and it’s different than just questions.
People will appreciate it so much knowing you hear what they are saying. You’re on the right track trying to relate your experience, but instead of telling them your experience, use your knowledge to tell them how you hear how hard it must feel or how happy it sounds.
You can practice anonymously on Reddit by hearing what a person is saying, tell them you relate and then tell them what parts you relate to. Not just say your specific experience right away but what experiences they just talked about. At first it feels awakened like won’t they be annoyed you just repeated what they said. But it’s actually such a wonderful feeling to have what you said repeated back in a way that uses your words but their experience.
And then when the other person feels you heard them hopefully they are the type of person that will want to hear about you and ask you questions. Just keep track of how you are feeling too. If it’s a constant conversation of you listening to them and they not listening to you by taking turns it may not be the best relationship to pursue.
I think youll find reflective listening enjoyable too because I found it emotionally connected me to people.