My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. For the most part our relationship is perfect: we never fight, we have all the same values, and he really understands me like nobody else does. We’ve talked about getting married and having kids and we want all the same things. He’s really helped me a lot in my life, and I can’t imagine living without him at this point.
We’ve recently been having a few small fights around something that sounds pretty silly but we can’t seem to resolve it. One of my close friends passed away 2 years ago, and I decided to take in her cat Sprinkles. I really love this cat, and she’s helped me a lot with grieving my friend and is also just a really great cat. She’s even gone viral a few times from silly reels on Insta. Anyway, the problem is that she gets bored with her toys really easily. Like, I’ll buy a toy, she’ll love it and play with it a lot, and then a week later it’s like the toy doesn’t exist. So…I buy her a new toy pretty much every week. These toys aren’t very expensive! Once in a rare while I’ll spend like $10, but usually they’re like $3-$4. I usually give the old ones away to some friends, so it’s not like I’m being wasteful or anything like that either.
My boyfriend is not OK with me buying all these toys. I think he didn’t really notice until a couple months ago when we moved in together…he seems to think that it’s a waste. Like I said before, I don’t spend that much money on them (plus we both work in a very well-paid field so it’s not like either of us is hurting for money at all), and I don’t just send them to the landfill. He seems to think it’s just inherently wasteful and that I shouldn’t be doing it. He also doesn’t seem to think that the cat deserves new things…he once even said that I don’t buy him new things every week so why should I buy the cat stuff? To me it’s just totally different: we get each other gifts for special occasions but this cat gets a silly cheap toy, and is the only connection I have to my dead friend. When I try to tell him about it, he just shrugs and walks away and says that I’m being irrational.
How can I convince my BF that it’s OK to buy a cheap toy every week?
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**tl;dr**: Adopted my friend’s cat, gets bored easily, so I buy her a cheap toy every week, but my BF thinks it’s wasteful
16 comments
I don’t think his anger has anything to do with the cat and the toys and everything to do with his feelings towards the relationship. Usually when men start tiny fights they are looking for any reason to get you to leave because men rarely leave they wait for the woman to leave. I’d start focusing more on any red flags in the relationship than the cat
Age gap aside, why do you want to be with someone who would probably give that sweet kitty away the moment your back was turned because he’s jealous of her?
You were dating a 33 year old as a teenager. There are far bigger problems here than cat toys. Sorry you’re dating a predator OP. Be safe.
As always, **fully grown adult men do not pursue relationships with teenagers unless there is something wrong with them.**
Ask him seriously if he would *like* a dollar store trinket or chocolate bar each week to know he’s valued.
If the answer is yes, give it a try! If the answer is No, then ask him why he needs your under $5 bit of joy to be “rational” before he is willing to respect it. Ask him what he is afraid or worried about when you make this choice for yourself? Would he be as concerned if you were buying a $5 coffee every week? $5 to a homeless person each week? Or $5 in lotto tickets every week?
Regardless of what his answers are, tell him while it’s *fine* to disagree, he is now being hurtful and unkind. He is entitled to his opinion, and he’s shared it. You now expect him to behave from a place of respect and tolerance for a small, *terribly small*, difference in how your two experience joy and spend $5.
Marriages don’t survive contempt and judgment like he’s showing right now. He needs to know it’s on him to get these feelings under control, not on you to give up something you value.
(And this is ignoring the age difference, ’cause you’ll get enough of that, but straight up, what is happening here is that he’s probably spent years managing you through this kind of passive-aggressive emotional manipulation, and you’ve just suddenly become secure enough in your self when it comes to this one subject, to realize he is utterly full of shit. This is probably going to go poorly for you. You’re going to outgrow him. Adults don’t date teenagers because they are prepared for them to express their own sense of self clearly and demand full respect as a person.)
Your old ass boyfriend is jealous of your cat. Just sit with that for a while.
So insecure, he started dating a teenager and for his next trick, he’s jealous of your cat.
Does he police how much you spend on coffee, manicures, hair, clothes, vehicle or education?
I can’t help with the boyfriend, but our cat also gets tired of toys quickly and I’ve found if you take them away and leave them out of sight for a few weeks to a month then reintroduce them, it’s like a new toy! We even keep some in a box with some dried cat mint so they have an extra exciting smell when we try them again. Might be something to try!
Whatever his issue is, this points to something way deeper that is the main difference between you too. Sounds like he thinks kitties don’t deserve anything besides basic needs being met. What kind of parent would he be if you guys wanted kids…would yall argue over birthday presents in the same way
Controlling and jealous behavior from a man who pounced on a teenager in his thirties? Shocked face 😐
Your BF is clearly jealous of your cat. And concerned you spend a few dollars a week on a pet? Wonder how he’s going to feel about you spending money on other things that make you happy.
He’s being manipulative and condescending of things that are inexpensive and make you happy.
Find a new BF before you get too far down the road with this guy…
I am not going to comment on the 36/22 age gap – that’s not an issue, but him treating you like a kid with her allowance money vs. a intellectual and emotional peer is a huge red flag.
When we say that the dating pool of older dudes willing to date teenagers is full of turds, he is EXACTLY the kind of person we mean.
He is jealous. Of a cat. A CAT.
Women his own age would have laughed him out the door the first time anything like this was brought up.
You don’t rationalize this to him, because his feelings are not rational. It doesn’t matter HOW much logic is on your side, he’s not going to accept it. You need to simply stop indulging him on it.
“This is my money to spend as I please.”
“I literally do not care if you think it’s a waste. It’s not a waste to me.”
“Why do you think you get a say in this? My cat, my choice.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m not changing, so if you don’t want to feel this way you need to change yourself.”
Kid gloves need to come off. You’ve had discussions about it, and he’s staying stuck in this rut. Stop being gentle and validating him.
Also, please DO NOT move in with him while you have the cat, and DO NOT leave him as petsitter if you go on a trip. This sort of attitude has ended in some very tragic events before. I’m sure you can extrapolate out what I mean. Keep kitty safe, because this dude is already showing that rationality will not hold him.
Jeez. What kind of person can you be if you’re jealous over a cat. I feel so sorry for your cat. Please be careful that he doesn’t mistreat your cat. Sounds like he would be willing to get rid of her. Tell him to grow up.
Usually what we fight/complain about is just the symptom, not the actual wound. There’s something deeper that’s bugging him, I think. And when I read, “he once even said that I don’t buy him new things every week so why should I buy the cat stuff” that made me think it’s probably true in this case. There’s probably something else going on here.
Maybe he thinks you’re neglecting him, maybe he’s jealous of the attention, maybe he’d like more gifts, maybe he feels disconnected to you for some reason, maybe he is struggling with the adjustment of living together, maybe the toys are annoying and distracting to him, maybe he didn’t want the cat in the first place and he feels resentful you took her in, maybe he regrets moving in together, maybe he wants his own space… could be a million billion things…
But it sounds to me like this cat brings you joy and helps you grieve which is a gift.
I only had to read the title. Dump him
>My boyfriend is not OK with me buying all these toys.
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That’s too bad. He gets to be OK with the amount of toys he buys. He has zero say in how many toys you buy. Also, a partner really worth being with will think it’s cute, and sweet, that you buy toys for your cat. Even better: he’ll do it too.
>When I try to tell him about it, he just shrugs and walks away and says that I’m being irrational.
Oh, FFS. This trope of the “irrational girlfriend” is sexist bullshit. Your boyfriend has sexist beliefs towards you. Which makes sense, given that he started going out with a 19-year-old when he was 33 himself.
Your behavior has a very clear risk/reward ratio: it’s harmless, it gives you joy, and it helps you keep your connection to your dead friend. His behavior makes zero sense and is motivated by jealousy and control. So, in fact, *he* is the one being irrational.
>How can I convince my BF that it’s OK to buy a cheap toy every week?
You can’t. You will never be able to, because he is jealous of a fucking cat. He is not a good partner. He is not a good long-term bet.
Take a long, hard look at your relationship. I’m sure, if you look, you’ll find other instances where he acts this rude, irrational, dismissive, and controlling. Take a long hard look before you make any other commitments. And make sure your birth control is iron-clad.
Was your friend who passed a male? This predator sounds like he’s JEALOUS OF A CAT.