When you feel a spark

19 comments

1. For me, it’s been mutual before it crashes and burns. I’m defining “sparks” as that all encompassing, initial “can’t get enough” attraction. This feeling has always led to badness for me. This feeling is very different from that which I’ve felt with people with whom I’ve developed healthy relationships which is a feeling that is less spark-y and more cozy and comfortable. It does not feel *strong*, it feels calm, consistent and comfortable.

2. I’ve generally found it to be mutual when I’m feeling it, in part because it’s a big turn on for me if I can tell the other person is interested. I think that’s pretty variable though. I know I’ve been on plenty of dates where the other person heavily pursues more dates, despite complete lack of interest on my part – so I assume they felt some spark that I did not.

3. The time it happened for me it was mutual

4. It can be either, the only way to know if the other person is feeling the “spark” is to ask.

   There was a very mutual spark in my most recent relationships.

5. I’ve had two kinds of spark in the past few years: creative spark and trauma spark. When either happened it was very mutual but also a worthless indicator of LTR viability

   The creative spark is almost theatrical. We bounce jokes off each other, banter in person and over text, and just keep egging each other on and it flows pretty effortlessly

   The trauma spark is when we reveal our childhood bullshit and feel way closer and way more alike than we actually are

   At the end of those kinds of dates we’re both eager to see each other again and make tentative plans. But reality generally sets in eventually haha

6. I am just now reading the book Attached which is on attachment styles. People fall under different attachment styles (Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Anxious-Avoidant) and each style that isn’t Secure can be ‘activated’ by the actions of your partner/date. The book says statistically speaking despite over 50% of the population being Secure, the Secure types are almost always NOT in the dating pool (because they are generally always in long term relationships) thus you are often dating Anxious or Avoidant (or the mix which is only 1-3% of the population). Anxious and Avoidant types get activated often by the actions of the other type and these types are often found dating (due to the dating pool thing) and thus they are often triggering eachother’s attraction styles. There is a LOT of feelings/emotions when this happens and its often hot/cold and the hot comes after the cold which makes it seem extra passionate. The book explains that this feeling is often what people are referring to when they say “feel a spark”. And it goes on to say that you should NOT be seeking that spark feeling because its actually your attraction style being activated by another attraction style that you are NOT compatible with. It says that generally a person that you are compatible with and would have an extremely healthy relationship with you won’t feel much with at first. It will build up slowly over time.

7. There’s probably chemistry there if you feel it, but it doesn’t matter that both have to see it as a good enough reason to start dating.

   I’ve had guys tell me that there was a spark between us when I didn’t feel it, which was really awkward. I was just being friendly and tried to make them smile, then they thought we had this amazing connection. We were just coworkers in my mind. So yeah, sometimes it misinterpreted. Sure, we vibed, but it wasn’t enough for me to start dating. So it’s best to not assume or hold it against them.

8. I’ve had it one sided a number of times. I wasn’t feeling much of anything and the two guys I’m thinking of clearly were.

9. Never had a spark.

10. Check out The Love Drive or Jillian Turecki on IG. They comment a lot on how superficial the spark is and how it’s normal to feel that as a crazy teenager but it’s not a reliable feeling for something long term. It’s a fleeting feeling and doesn’t always mean something and we shouldn’t rely on it.

11. It’s both one sided, and mutual.

    The one sided version is one you can create in your mind regardless of confirmation and cues from a date. Maybe he/she reminds you of a prior love, or feels instinctually comfortable and secure to you in mannerisms or speech. Kindred or drawn to type appeal

    The mutual version is an energy exchange that feels like a spark of lightning when you’re together. A kiss, the way the conversation flows together has a real weight to it. You leave longing for more…and there’s 0 need to ask if it’s mutual. You’re present, and you’re both actively feeding it

12. For me, mutual spark has happened. It was amazing. But ended in complete disaster!
    Listen to those other wise posters. Sparks do not a good relationship make.

13. I’ve had it be both one sided and mutual. When it was one sided, I thought they must have been feeling it too since I was feeling so strongly. But that wasn’t always the case unfortunately.

14. I don’t have alot of experience, but I’ve discovered that the initial “sparks” I’ve felt are short lived.

    One, a trauma bonding spark that lead to a toxic blow up. It was mutual, but they were a narcissist and I had enough and cut them out. And two, a more recent match who got attached to me SUPER quickly and feels that spark still 2 weeks after knowing me. I was very interested, but didn’t feel that spark. My interest is fading.

    However, my bff of 4 years has become like family and we share an amazing chemistry. It was a subtle spark, mainly a slow building friendship through good, bad, and ugly. Our spark grew over time. If situations were different we’d be partners (and we have talked about this, so it is mutual. We both feel strongly about each other and we’re happy to be dear friends atleast.)

    I don’t know if the ‘spark’ is a good thing honestly.

15. I see it this way:

    Building a campfire takes time, kindling, tinder, and firewood. It starts out slow but it burns long. A spark is a small burst that’s here and gone. To use an imperfect analogy: If you think about two stones struck against each other, the kinetic energy in the stones is all forced from one stone to the other stone through the point of collision. This creates a spark. Perhaps this collision is pleasant for you but not for the other person given that we are not inanimate objects.

    The spark looks pretty for a moment but there’s definitely nothing long lasting about it. Sparks (when mutual and pleasant) are fun if you’re looking for a temporary thrill (which you might be) but a bonfire is built through patience and once it’s going the sparks are flying anyway.

    Building a bonfire will take effort from both of you, which means it’s obvious that you’re both invested in the process. A spark can happen accidentally and doesn’t require much effort. So while you may *feel* something intensely, you have no way of knowing if it’s mutual until someone wants to build a fire with you. That was pretty long – haha-but kind of the way I view the feeling sparks in the dating arena.

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17. The idea of a spark is so nice to read but honestly I wonder if it’s real. Emotion and love is something I believe that grows over time.

18. Honestly most of the time I’ve felt strong spark chemistry right away it meant the start of a toxic situation. And when I felt one-sided sparks it was limerence. I’ve definitely had such strong feelings I felt it would be impossible for the other person not to feel it also, but they didn’t in several cases 🙁

19. Ask them while you’re knocking boots. If that isn’t on the table- question answered.