Long story short, my in-laws have said they won’t have a relationship with me unless I reconcile (apologize essentially) with them. I honestly don’t know what they want an apology for… there was a fight between my husband and I and my MIL took it as a chance to completely bash me. When she did that, I reacted out of anger and said she wouldn’t see her grandchildren again. I didn’t mean that… but maybe that’s what they want the apology for? My husband agrees that his mom saying the things she said was uncalled for, and that he doesn’t like that she did that.
Anyways, now I’m not “allowed” to come around without an apology, but I feel very strongly against apologizing to her. She’s very toxic, and always has been. She also said horrible things about me.
The problem is, we have young children and it wouldn’t be right to keep them from their grandparents, but I also don’t like the idea of them going there without me. I’m torn on what to do.
11 comments
> I honestly don’t know what they want an apology for
>
> I reacted out of anger and said she wouldn’t see her grandchildren again.
Yeah, real mystery here.
With that being said, the MIL does sound incredibly toxic. However, she’s not the real issue here. No, the problem is your husband. It’s his family, it’s his job to manage them. Instead, it seems like he wants to remain neutral, which is BS.
First of all, did your husband go to her after y’all fought? I don’t think it’s great of a spouse to run to their parents and give them details of a martial disagreement because it gives in-laws (sometimes unfair) ammunition.
I think it’s completely reasonable for you to go no contact with your in-laws, but that would mean letting your husband take your kids over there without you, so it really boils down to what you want to do here. Your husband should really be telling his mother that she needs to apologize to you. He can agree with you all he wants, but he needs to stand up for you and maybe establish boundaries with his parents.
To me, sounds like everyone lost control of their emotions and said things they didn’t mean.
Personally, I’d apologize for using children as a leveraging point. You don’t *punish* someone by disallowing them to see their child/grandchildren. If they were unsafe, I can see barring contact. But, you did it to be spiteful not protective. You were wrong, admit it, and move on.
Regardless, I’d keep my guard up and not provide any more “ammunition” to the MIL from here on out. It’s also important to discuss with your husband that it’s unfair to rant to his parents and not expect your feelings to be hurt. If they cannot remain neutral, they shouldn’t be included in your disagreements.
If you don’t like them, fine. I’m sure you can apologize for your part, be polite and not engage. From experience it’s not difficult to be polite, smile and nod. I often “ignore” people by being quiet, daydreaming or focusing my attention on my kids.
Your husband needs to back you up. If you are banned from their lives so is he. Hate to say this but you and he have the grail. Grandchildren. Go no contact after having him explain that he did not like what was said and how you were treated. They get a week to be adults and talk it out and express sorrow for thier actions. If They do not….No one will speak to them untill they express sorrow. Rinse and repeat. Your husband needs to get them in line now or you will be showing your children it OK to disrespect you.
Make them express sorrow or no relationship.
Once they express that they are sorry. Rules for how to treat you. You are to be respected. Spoken to with love kindness and most important RESPECT.
Untill this happens no grand kids for them. You have the power to fix the situation now. Use it. Your husband needs to step up and support you the woman he married and the woman that gave him children. Order of your home should be God (if you believe in god), you, your family then every one else.
Please do not let her teach them it ok to not respect you.
Embrace the peace. Stay no contact. Tell your husband he may interact with his parents anytime he wants – not at your house, not with your kids. You don’t want your kids around them knowing they shit talk you. Also, you do not want to hear about them from him. This sounds like a win to me. Good luck.
Why on earth do you want your kids to be subjected to toxic people?
They will not thank you for it later.
How about just letting them know they can visit your children in your house while you’re there but if they want them at their own house it will be with you as well as your husband or not at all. And your husband should really be the one setting this boundary. Then y’all are not keeping them from seeing their grandchildren. If they don’t agree, they’re doing that themselves.
I wish my in-laws didn’t want to interact with me at all.
Your MIL getting in-between a fight was stupid.
Your comment about her grandchildren was repulsive in my book.
You should just enjoy not having them in your life and leave it at that.
I hate my in laws and the day they both die will be a pretty great for me. I don’t look forward to my wife’s pain but if only my MIL weren’t alive so many others would be happier.
That said I’d never deny my wife’s parents access to my son. Just the threat would cause pain to everyone on my wife’s side of the family and my wife for no reason.
Why wouldn’t it be right to keep them away from their toxic grandparents? If you let them have access to the kids then I bet they will start trashing you to your own kids soon enough, just like they did to your husband. The real question is, why is your husband letting this happen? Why is he still interacting with people who talk about you this way? That’s your bigger problem.
>The problem is, we have young children and it wouldn’t be right to keep them from their grandparents
Why would it not be right to keep your children away from toxic people?
If someone is so toxic they are bad for you… probably owe it to your kids to keep them away from that person.
I don’t like this rationalization we have to expose our children to emotionally harmful people just because they are family.
I feel it’s a parental responsibility to protect your children from abusive people.