I’ve been really disappointed with the women I’ve been meeting on apps date behavior. I typically screen for things like: having a decent job, lives independently, no inappropriate mention/complaints of EXs before meeting, wants something serious, etc.
But I’m still coming across women that seem immature and I can’t take seriously. What else can I do?
I feel like as long as they dont throw any major red flags, they should be fine in person. But of the past 3 women I’ve met, one showed up late (I waited 45 minutes in 95 degree heat), was so hungover that she was spacing out. The girl before her started bashing gay people randomly. And the one before that showed up much heavier than in her photos. Not to mention the girl with so much EX drama and emotional baggae. I’m trying to avoid all that.
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I don’t know if there is anything. Most semi intelligent people know how to highlight the positives in their profile. Which shouldn’t be hard.
Maybe you need to work on chatting more before the date though and trying to weed them out that way.
What apps are you using? I feel like Hinge may do a better job of answering those questions up front then say Tinder.
I look for women with hobbies and goals. Directionless people or people who are bored look to you for all their needs and it can lead to an unhealthy relationship balance.
Ladies that select the anything other than the “I don’t know” category of relationship wants. This however is not 100% foolproof as there are always people who are not honest with their intent.
Profiles with lots of information to go on. Quick and dirty profiles with little thought are nearly always an indication of someone who hasn’t figured themselves out yet.
Unsure you’ll get much from seeking out green flags. It’s a lot easier to vet based on red flags than green ones and realistically you’re still going to have to vet pretty solidly in the chatting phase because anyone can embellish a profile substantially.
I don’t know if *living independently* is worth vetting for – I’d be much more inclined to vet other things like whether they seem overly vain, super brand conscious, social media obsessed, and read into their sentence structure and word choice more than anything.
I’ve always used OkCupid too because there’s far more datapoints. Ms. Hungover might’ve been vetted out because I tend to preference women who drink lightly, or socially – rather than non-drinkers or frequent drinkers.
Really though, vetting advice is tough because everyone’s going to want different things. If a woman’s profile shows her being overly outgoing I tend to avoid because I want someone more chill-out-at-homey.
I’m here 🙋🏽♀️
Unnecessary fat bashing. Other than that there’s a reason many of us promote meeting together in person asap. Almost none of those things you can really know from just texting bc it’s all east to conceal.
I think this is just part of dating, you found out pretty early they were a pass, if you keep selecting ONLY drunk rude women who are hung up on their ex maybe you have a broken picker or you’re selecting people on superficial (photos and career status) basis only which means you’ll have a lot more chaff to sort through.
This could be a sign you’re going on dates with women who are above your level in appearance but below their peers because they’re this much of a mess hence going out with the woman who had false photos – selecting for the image instead of the person. Yes we need to find our person attractive except you’re seeing these people are ACTUALLY very unattractive people when you look past their appearance.
I don’t screen for shit, unless you are trying to take them to dinner which is the dumbest thing you could do.
If you are attracted to them and they aren’t insane from a day of chatting, get a date set
I feel like this is just what dating is. You chat, set up a date, get to know each other, and a lot of times you learn things you don’t like. It’s just part of how it goes. If anything you need to screen better before going out.
>(I waited 45 minutes in 95 degree heat)
the solution to the riddle of why you are meeting these sorts of women lies in this sentence. it’s sort implied that she didn’t give you a heads up and just waited that long. you tolerated that like you don’t have anything better to do instead leaving after 15 minutes. that communicates to her “yeah it’s ok to do that.”
people who show up to dates hungover, show up late and shit-talk their ex do so because other people tolerate it. they have no reason care because no one says “look i don’t know who your ex is so it’s hard for me to care about all these stories you seem to have about them.” no one walks out on shit dates. no one just leaves instead of waiting too long.
now, some of this is a consequence of the age group. you’re gonna find it very difficult to find a woman who does not have ex-related baggage.
I think meeting them, finding out if you are or not interested relatively quickly is the way to go. Other than waiting 45 minutes for someone who is late you’ve done nothing wrong. Wasting days talking to someone online only to find out they aren’t the one is worse.
I dont think there are any green flags that people can demonstrate. First step is checking if they have any red flags, second step is to continue screening. There is nothing anyone can say that would make me think about it as green flag, you cant even believe in anything they say until its proven. So no, there are no shortcuts you can take. You just keep screening for red flags and cut contact and move on as soon as more red flags appear.
The key is to meet irl as soon as possible to check the reality. For example, lots of women have precovid pictures, and you can clearly see how much fatter they have gotten since then if they have any newer pictures. But lots of them also have only precovid pictures, so you cant know if they are lying or not. Meeting for a quick coffee or tea will answer more questions than texting for months.
Green flags: talks more about her future possibilities than the past, has goals/dreams, respects your time, emotionally open/not emotionally intense, is generally satisfied in life/not eager to complain, prioritizes her health (less likely to binge drink)
You can ask questions that probe into these aspects of her life, be curious, upbeat, and friendly in your approach. Ask her what’s important to her in life right now, and what she’s investing her time and attention in beyond finding romance. Ask about the last time she tried a new activity, or found herself significantly outside of her comfort zone (exclude dating). Ask what she enjoys learning about. Ask her if she’s curious about trying a new activity, like volunteering. You can use these types of answers to plan an original 2nd or 3rd date down the road!
I can only use my experience. Spending the last year dating myself and finding group activities I love doing has meant more to me than being on apps trying to ‘find the love of my life’. I’m pretty sure the guys I’ve got to know in person are genuine, I’ve spent time getting to know them and I have a great idea of what I want. If something happens, great, I’m already keen on what I’ve seen.
I think of dating apps like a pizza app, never really that satisfying and you get what you pay for.
Good luck.
Honestly, if she highlights anything she wants to contribute to the relationship instead of just things she wants to extract from it, I’m already more interested by a mile.
Three people isn’t a big sample size. Just keep trying, do first dates that allow for a quick getaway and not a ton of investment, and if it’s a bad date, think of it as a funny awful story to tell friends about instead of fixating on it.
Green flags: has actual hobbies, doesn’t only talk about herself, asks relevant questions, doesn’t bash others and especially strangers.
Also imo doesn’t think being sarcastic is a personality trait. It’s fine sometimes but a lot of women overdue it, especially with someone they just met. These are all initial/chat red flags
I don’t know that there are any green flags.
I match, chat for maybe 15-30 messages, set a date, and continue chatting until the date.
I’ve met women who are 50+ lbs heavier than their pics would suggest, 10yrs older than their stated age, 5yrs younger than their stated age, late, crazy, etc. You name it, I’ve seen it. Except for no-shows. I don’t leave my place until we’ve both communicated that things are on track within a few hrs of the date.
Sorting through all the crap out there is part of what makes dating tiresome. It just comes with the territory.
my problem is they are so boring i dont even want to get to meet them
holy shit pretend i am a real person and we are having a chat, and then we can go to the bar and have another chat. Open ended questions continuing the conversation not closed ended statements just talking about yourself.
my green flags: i like that she says something anything. Not just “i like petting dogs and eating” wow me too we have so much in common! Tell me about your favourite show, post a funny photo, or an unflattering one on purpose just anything to give me a sense of your silly personality
In real life i have “the gift of gab” i can talk to anybody with no awkward silences even if i am not sexually into them. So i really have no need to pull teeth to get a meeting. Not a date, a first meeting is just a meeting, like meeting any stranger in a bar. We think we are creating rapport by texting strangers but that is a lie
I have no advice. Just came here to comiserate.
The last month of dating for me were complete duds.
A Great first date at hot pot and dessert. Another fun one out at a piano bar. He starts slow fading me. Tells me he wants me to make the first move and he promises me he will never reject me. Downgrades a fun third date he planned to us going to a mediocre restaurant in town. I go for the kiss and rejects me. I had already invited him to my house so he heads to my door when he drops me off. I want to bail on it but we go in and he makes out with me. Says he can’t wait to do more. Ghosts me.
B Reconnected with a guy I dated a few months ago. All over me one minute, texting me he missed me, then would sit on my couch and not touch me until I indicated I wamted to have sex. Not a bad dude, just not said affection came more naturally to him as a lead up to sex. I end it (again).
C. Awesome first date at mini golf and a bar until we chatted at our cars and he reveals lots of family drama and how his sister took a restraining order against him. Supposedly she’s lying but I’m not taking any chances.
D First date is going well. We share a kiss, dessert, super great chemistry. We end up making out in my car and he gets a little too excited and lightly places his hand on my throat and says “fuck” in a heated up way. I get triggered and am trying to calm myself down (breathing, being quiet) and he tells me he’s into dominance and “not normal” sex and if I’m not ut’s deal breaker. We talk it out, he apologizes profusely and we set boundaries.
E Talking to a guy who seems sweet and tame. Right before our planned Memorial Day date he starts calling me every night to talk for 3 hours. Says “no!” in a bratty way when I have to get off. Blames the failure of a 6 year relatuonship on hus ex. I want to cancel but I end up going through with it. Have one of the most mind numbling boring dates. He barely talks, doesnt like his food, says he’s nervous. Answers most questions yes or no. I end it by text the minute I get home.
F Go out with D on Weds. Having a great time. Its sweet, romantic, thoughtful. On the way home from our romantic sunset dessert picnic he prepared, he tells me AGAIN for the umpteenth time that sexual compatibility is important and if I’m not into the same kinky things he will have to end it. I tell him I’m feeling pressured. Yesterday I tell him my life plans have just changed and I’m going to try to get pregnant with my frozen embryos as a single choice mom in the next two months. He says he still wants to explore things and go to the beach date I planned this weekend. Texts me hours later to break it off.
I shouldnt have given him a second chance. But I did.
I’m not even mad or sad, just tired. If i get pregnant soon I will be taking a break anyway.