Me (23F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for 1.5 we do LDR and video call a lot. So, like some days, he went out with his friends all night. While he was out, i had an issue with my mum that affected me heavily (mum has pretty bad anxiety and only talks to me about it). We tend to vent to each other and when we can, we give each other the emotional support.
He came home, talked about his day and what he did with his friends for an hour or two. I listened because im always interested in his stories anyway. As it was late, I then asked him if he still wants to hear me vent about this particular issue. And he said yes he did.
Through our video call, i saw that he was texting a few people and was busy on his phone. So i told him he can finish up with that and i can vent when he’s done. But he said he was listening and he was just texting his girl best friend (they dont text as much personally, but i understand she just moved abroad and he’s interested to hear from her as well) and on reddit. So i went on with venting.
As i was venting and crying about my mum being anxious, he just said “like mother like daughter” while still being busy on his phone. I got pretty hurt but went on with my story. In the end he did reassured me a bit and gave his little responses and advices here and there. He then went on about telling me how his best friend was doing and all as if i didnt just vent something heavy.
The thing is, usually when i vent, he’d be busy with work so he’d be typing away on his PC or whatever it is but i never took it personally because i knew he was busy and was still listening even tho he’d ask a few times to reconfirm a few things. But i was fine. It bothered me a bit, but since i understood, i was fine.
However with this, i told him that i dont feel great when he knows that I’m affected deeply for him to just say “like mother like daughter” while being busy on his phone. He said it was just a joke. I said “but neither of us laughed” and he said the joke was supposed to be dark and we dont always have to laugh at it. I just told him “I’m all about jokes, i make dark jokes all the time even with the things i struggle with, but i’d prefer if you could respect the timing better to deliver those jokes because i was talking about something sensitive”. He has trouble apologizing at times but he said he was sorry and he’ll know better. A little hesitant but he apologized. So i thought that was fine.
I then said that at times i dont feel like he listens properly because he’d be so busy on his phone. I knew it wasnt about work or anything urgent but i would appreciate if he didnt have to divide his time between me and his friends simultaneously. That’s why i told him to reply to his friends first, so he can be more present when i vent. Because in a way, it felt like he was more interested with his girl best friend’s story than mine. I wouldnt want to compare that. I said that i only had the time to talk to him now because he was busy. He got pretty upset, put down his phone and he said he just wants to sleep and while being angry, he said he’ll try to give me more attention. Not exactly what I’m asking for, made sure he knew that as well. But then he left to sleep while i was still explaining the situation. At this point i got pretty upset. He saw me crying and i just said that I feel alone in a way and he just got up and got mad at me because he’s sleepy and he thought the issue was done. He said I should let him sleep and i shouldnt be mad that hes sleepy. I said i was still talking but made sure he knew i wasnt mad, but it just doesnt feel good when he leaves me out like that. Got into a bit of an argument. He just said that he’s not running away but it’s late and i should just go to sleep. Said all this while being angry.
I know this may be small, but it happens at times with him. I dont want this to be a bigger issue. He’s a sweetheart but sometimes he can be clueless. He has a bad habit of shutting down during argument. I know i tend to be sensitive while he can be a little clueless. Maybe I’m just too sensitive here. Not sure.
TLDR; Boyfriend busy on his phone (texting and reddit) while I’m venting something sensitive. Said he was listening. Made an insensitive joke in the middle of it. Communicated how i felt about it and he apologized but then got angry and left to sleep when the issue was not done. Maybe i was just too sensitive to his reactions.
4 comments
What would happen if you said “Call me back when you’re not so busy on your phone” and hung up instead of sitting there waiting for him to pay attention to you?
Damn, your boyfriend is being a jerk. Based on what you said here, I get the impression that he finds your venting a chore. It’s nice that you’re so understanding, but it makes me sad that he’s not being receptive to your own needs. You’re not being too sensitive, that was a rude and dismissing thing to say, and saying “it’s just a joke” isn’t an excuse to be shitty to you.
I would just directly ask him what is going on with him, it really seems like he’s being passive aggressive about something but not communicating with you about why he seems to be so annoyed.
Part of the problem here is that you and he have built this pattern – you talk, and he does whatever while listening to you – and you’re upset, but you’re upset because *you changed the rules without telling him.*
And that’s not fair.
You can request that he pay attention to you because what you’re saying is important, and you need more support … *but you have to ask for that.*
And then, he didn’t tell a dark joke, he told a *bad* one. But it sure sounds like you were itching for a fight – because what normally happens when somebody says something stupid is that their partner calls them on it, they minimize what they said (check) and everyone moves on. You didn’t want to move on.
Furthermore, at the time he wanted to get on the phone, according to you, he had been “out all night” and you two had been talking “for an hour or two” before you started talking about your problem. Which is to say, if you want and need his attention and wide-awake focus, you’re just flat-out not going to get it. And it’s bizarre that you’d be on the phone with him for 90 minutes before bringing up something that is (evidently) this important to you.
It’s totally reasonable to want somebody’s undivided attention for an important conversation, but it’s not reasonable to expect it from somebody in hour three of a phone call.
So he’s tired, has been on the phone with you for a long time, you seem to be itching to get into it …
It makes sense that he would choose to get off the phone when he was getting angry. Because it’s hard to imagine he had the emotional bandwidth to handle the situation. So he made a very reasonable decision to get off the phone.
Now … your larger concerns are totally reasonable! Like, you’re talking about something important, there are times when you want his undivided attention. His comment was kinda shitty.
But – and this comes also from reading your other response – I wonder if you’re maybe really bad at asking for what you want? “Do you want to finish up with those texts and then call me back?” is not something that someone, approaching hour three of a phone call after being out all night, is going to interpret as, “Please give me your undivided attention right now.”
That strikes me as the big takeaway here that you can control.
He had time and interest in his best friend but not you? That’s a pretty big deal. Either he respects you and your relationship or he doesn’t.
He would listen to you if he wanted. His actions are doing the talking but you’re not listening. Stand up for yourself even if that means leaving him.