My boyfriend has a brother. My boyfriend looks up to his brother ever since he was a young child. My boyfriends brother is married. He brags to my boyfriend about how he cheats on his wife because she’s not his mom and she can’t tell him what to do outside of their relationship. My boyfriends brother tells my boyfriend to have a little fun and cheat too. My boyfriend comes and tells me this. I don’t know if anyone’s lying, I don’t know if this is real, I don’t know why my boyfriends brother is telling my boyfriend he should cheat too, I don’t know why they think this is “right”, I don’t know if he’s just saying this to my boyfriend to see if my boyfriend will tell me to see if it’s a loyalty thing between him and his brother or if I would tell his wife. In a way I feel like my boyfriends brother is trying to involve my boyfriend with bad decisions. Shouldn’t his family be leading him and guiding him in the right direction, instead of telling him he should cheat cause it’s fun? Seeing my boyfriend looks up to his brother so much what if he actually decides to do it. Why would I want to marry into this family if this is how they speak and feel about me. Shouldn’t they care more! I’m so confused about this situation as this is my first boyfriend. I really connect with him well. My boyfriend and I have been together for many years and are in our 20’s. There are also times where my boyfriends brother tells my boyfriend that I am going to dump him or I am going to go find a different man with more money. Then when my boyfriend comes to me he starts a fight/argument about it, so I can see how my boyfriends brothers words affect him and make him insecure in a way and influence him. I don’t know what could happen down the road with my relationship because of his brothers words.
37 comments
This isn’t normal. I’d cut my losses and break up. Find a bf with a decent fam
r/justnofamily is a good place to start. Also r/justnoso
Honestly? I think you need to leave. Especially if your bf is coming home and starting fights because he believes his brothers words. You can try therapy, but I doubt that will help. The brother will always be a thorn in your side for the entire relationship.
Oh. And when you leave? Tell the wife. She deserves to know.
It sounds like your boyfriend needs to be able to find and secure his own moral compass. Even if his brother actually said to cheat because it’s ‘fun,’ why believe that? Wouldn’t you question that, which may he is by telling you, but he has to be able to stand up to the brother and say no this is how I’m living my life and if he can’t or won’t then you gotta go.
The real problem is your boyfriend. He’s not shutting down his brother’s nonsense. He looks up to an unrepentant cheater. He starts fights instead of discussing his feelings.
I don’t think he’s capable of having a healthy relationship. I know you love him, and first relationships can feel like your whole world, but … I’m pretty sure that once you leave him and date around a bit, you’ll realize there was a LOT more wrong with this relationship than you see right now.
Well, it sounds like you need to set some boundaries. You don’t necessarily need to break up, but it’s likely that you will have to deal with comments from the family forever if you do end up marrying in the future, so it’s important that your partner is on your side. Ask him what he wants, does he want to be like his brother? Does he want to be in a relationship and cheat on his wife? Is this what he envisions for himself in the future? Would it make him happy? (Hopefully the answer is no)
The part of him coming to you and arguing after his brother says you are gonna leave him makes it sounds like your boyfriend has some insecurities. Be clear in that you want it to work but what you need in return, if there is no compromise then maybe it is time to call it quits. It will hurt and it will suck but remember that it will pass and you will be fine in the end
Tell your boyfriend cheating is a dealbreaker. If he wants to go with other random people, let you know and you can break up the right way.
Hopefully, your boyfriend will grow up some more and not be looking up to his brother so much anymore, a couple more years down the road. Be his moral compass. When he says things like “My brother is savage for doing that” and grins, look at him straight and seriously and say “No, your brother is actually an a-hole for doing that. Have you any idea how his wife would feel if she finds out? And how fast he would end up divorced and lonely and pathetic, just because he can’t keep his dick in his pants?” Or “would you say the same thing if it turns out his wife regularly cheats on him? Would you admire her, too? No? Then where is the difference?”
And when he starts fighting with you about crap his brother said, ask him who knows you better – he or his brother – and why he would take anything his brother said about you more seriously than what he himself knows about you, and what you show him daily in your relationship.
Hopefully, he’ll come to see what a miserable weasel his brother is, if you persist.
OP I truly feel for you. I’ve been through something similar and it was so hard for me to finally put my foot down and remove myself from the situation. Please don’t be like me and only stay because your comfortable in your current situation.
Your boyfriend has some serious issues if he thinks that what his brother is doing is okay. Ask him how he’d feel if roles were reversed and you had a sibling like his who talked this way and encouraged cheating.
Also you need to ask your boyfriend why in the world would he come home and start a fight with you over something his brother said. It is not fair to you to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly not mature, has a very diluted look on reality, and envies someone as pathetic as his older brother.
People who brag about cheating are those who have so much hatred for themselves that they have to discuss their faults as if they are the best decisions they have made.
Personally, I would lay down a hard boundary with your boyfriend and let him know that you don’t appreciate him picking fights with you over what someone who is not in your relationship told him. Also, if he gets defensive to this boundary then he has just told you everything you need to know, you will always be a second choice to his brother. He’d rather believe what comes out of his brothers mouth than to come to the source directly and have a conversation. Also, you need to tell the brothers wife what is going on because of you don’t who will.
I wish you best of luck and hope that you put yourself first in this situation and realize the first steps to moving forward are always the most uncomfortable.
This is incredibly abnormal.
Of course, it’s up to you, but I think you already know that your BF’s brother is a pig and your BF is unnaturally influenced by his brother. That’s not going to change.
Also, saying you’re comfortable with your BF really isn’t true. Having him start fights with you over things his brother says you will do isn’t comfortable. Having your BF tell you that his brother thinks he should cheat on you isn’t comfortable. You need to be a lot more honest with yourself and realize that this whole situation is just going to get worse as time goes by.
It’s time to stop thinking about anyone else and think about yourself.
Good luck.
You’re both in your 20’s. Your boyfriend should be able to take off the rose colored glasses and realize his brother is not someone to look up to. He needs to stop listening to his brother when he tries to instigate arguments between you two. If he can’t do that, then this is always going to be an issue in your relationship. Is it worth it to keep dealing with all this interference from someone with no moral compass? Someone should tell this guy’s poor wife that she’s married to a lying, cheating asshat.
Your bf looks up to someone and believes the words of someone who is both a cheater and does not like you. Time to leave this bf.
My ex fiancés 2 brothers did the same to my ex to the point where they would tell him to cheat in front of me. This stemmed from one a lack of respect for the women in their lives including their mum (who stayed too long in an abusive relationship) and from their dad who dealt with any feeling with alcohol and openly cheated on any woman he was with. You might think because hes telling you he must not be cheating but I almost guarantee that if he isn’t already he will.
Your boyfriend is a fully grown adult. If he is helpless to form his own opinions about honesty in a relationship, he’s got some serious maturing to do before he should commit to you.
this is concerning and i feel like this could not have been the first red flag…
Tbh the boyfriend Goofy af why start arguments over something his brother says
Your bf brother is a narcissist, and your bf seems to be a willing victim. If he can’t see what he’s doing to him then you either need to put miles between the bf and his brother, move away together, or you need to put miles between you and the bf.
It seems that you are about to be a victim too unless you take a stand. I am guessing the brothers wife is also being manipulated.
Pretty messed up situation, you need to distance yourself one way or another.
Time to go; if your bf doesn’t have a moral compass and is unable to think for himself, he needs to learn. Without you. And yes, do tell the wife. Please.
Honestly honey, this depends on you. If you feel you can’t handle all of that, leave. Tell the wife either way because she deserves to know.
If you want to stay and you’re both willing to work on this, he needs therapy to work through this. And make sure to inform him that starting fights based off of what his brother says is actually a way to make you wanna leave. There’s a difference between letting your partner know about your insecurities based on what someone tells you, and outright fighting about it. Also let him know that if he EVER cheats, it’ll be over.
Just leave lmao. Who needs this drama and crap
The only way you can help your bf is to move away as far as possible, sever the links. Yes, than can call each other but your bf needs to know what his brother does is not normal. He needs to understand that his brother is manipulating him. It is going to make him choose, and that’s not a bad thing because if he chooses his brother then you’ll know you can’t help him. He has to recognise that his brother ‘s influence over him is unhealthy and not normal.
Respecting his brother is great if his brother is a respectful man. But looking up to a narcissist is a recipe for disaster. If your bf cannot see what his brother is doing is wrong, then you have already lost him. If that’s the case get out.
Your boyfriend’s role model is a misogynist. The fact that he doesn’t reject his brother in any way puts him at fault.
You should leave him.
Any single mature man in here ?
I’d consider telling the wife. I’d want to know if I was her. Tell her and then break up with your bf (or whatever order of events you’d prefer)
You will have no peace of mind until you exit this relationship. Your bf is dragging round the corpse of his older brother. Its chained to his ankle and will stink out anything nice you want to create. Time to hit the eject button and get out of this swamp!
There are all sorts of people in this world. Some have strong internal morals and high levels of integrity, some don’t have any morals or values. Then there’s a lot of people somewhere in between. Then there’s trauma, and mental illness, and mental/personality disorders that also play a role in how people perceive and interact with the world. All of those types of people have families.
There are a lot of people who are not lucky enough to be raised by wise, moral, and well-adjusted people. Dysfunctional families very common. It sounds like your boyfriend comes from a dysfunctional family. His brother sounds like he’s not a well-adjusted person. That’s his normal. Do you want it to be yours too?
There are so many TikToks where people try to test the loyalty of others but they do it over the phone so you can listen in. They don’t come home telling you what the other said. So this makes me skeptical. If this is causing you so much stress and anxiety, why do you put up with it? Is there something about your bf or his family that make you want to stay with him? Ask yourself if this is what you want for your life? It sounds like your bf is allowing his bro to control his life and he listens to his bro more than to himself. Sit down with your bf and tell him your feelings and listen to what he says about it. Does he acknowledge how you feel or does he changes topic or finds a way to make you feel like its all your fault? Will you always be wondering if he’s going to cheat? If this isn’t something you want, then break up and find another life.
You have to consider the long term viability of this relationship. If his brother is cheating on his wife, and encouraging him to do so, and he thinks this is in the same solar system as OK, he has the moral character of a scorpion, an unthinking, poisonous, lower life form. He’s showing you what the shape of any potential future with him will look like, why are you putting energy into what you KNOW is a dead end?
Trash belongs on the curb, not in your bed. Put him on the street where he belongs.
Babe, do yourself a favour. Drop the boyfriend and get the hell outta there! That family is an exhausting mess you don’t need.
Dump this guy. He has a sick family.
This sounds fake to me, and with how uncomfortable the post is, I hope that it is, but if it’s not, just run. There are other fish in the sea who don’t have siblings who will try to break you up. If you’re actually worried you’ll get cheated on, and the issues his brother is causing are as bad as you’re implying, it won’t be worth the heartache to stay in that relationship.
Here is what I would do.
1. I would point the risks of health his brother is taking without the consideration of his wife. The more sexual partners he has the higher the chance of STDs and STIs. How would your boyfriend feel if HIS brother died of aids? Or his sister-in-law if dies of aids she contracted unknowingly and unwantingly from his brother? How would he feel if you cheated on him and gave him an STI and STD? If he cheats and gets an STD and STI, then passes that to you, what does he expect you to do? Will you stay together? Will you two split? Is he going to take responsibility for his actions and pay your medical bills for those STI and STD? Is he willing to risk giving an STD to someone else for the rest of his life, if he contracts one while cheating? Can he pay the medical expenses for an STI or STD?
2. Then I would point out the risks of pregnancy. What happens to his brother’s marriage if he accidentally gets a woman he cheated with pregnant? Abortions are not an easy thing to get these days, assuming she would want one? Would his brother abandon the child, hid it from his wife and not be apart of it’s life? How would he feel if you cheated on him and got pregnant from another man? Does he want that to happen? Does he want to risk getting another woman pregnant? What would he expect you to do in that situaution? Is he capable of paying for child support? Is he willing to co-parent a child with a stranger? Is he capable of handling the stress of that situaution? What is his plan to preserve his integrity? What does his life look like if that happens? What will his family and friends do?
Then I would tell him my answers to those questions. I’d be clear on my boundaries, biases, expectations, and what I think the consequences and repercussions are. And I would be judging his answers for compatibily. For example: If he expects you to stay together with him after you learn he cheated, and you would instead leave him. Then you need to be honest about that.
Finally, I would tell the sister-in-law and mother at the next family gathering and ask both of them what the hell is going on and why her husband/son thinks it’s a good idea to try to risk his younger brother’s life. Don’t they care about your boyfriend?
Run.
This isn’t a family you want to marry into. Trust me on that. You don’t have to be ready for a breakup, but it’s probably a very good ideas. Also, your 20s is far from too late. Lotta time ahead of you. Don’t waste it with this person (and family) who don’t deserve it
Your “brother in law” is a dick and is trying to make his brother follow in his toxic footsteps.
First off don’t take it as an attack on you personally.Your boyfriend’s brother is scum and would do that to any woman in his brother’s life.
The fact that he’s telling this to you may be a sign that he’s not cheating but instead trying to rationalize the toxic thoughts his brother is trying to put into his head.
The fact that he comes home and starts a fight when his brother says that you will dump him for someone richer is an indication that the words are getting to him.
If you love your boyfriend and want the relationship to work you need to go to couples therapy so that he can understand the harm his brother is trying to cause him and find healthy methods to combat problem.
If he refuses to go to therapy I suggest you leave, refusing to work on the problem will only cause things to get worse and you will be the one getting hurt.
Easy. Tell him that while you can’t police him or tell him what to do outside of the relationship, cheating is a deal breaker and there won’t be any relationship if it happens.
And whether you leave or not, tell the wife. She deserves to be able to make that choice too.
I think the best way to sum this up is misery loves company
People wantt to involve others in their bad choices to make them feel better or less guilty. It’s messed up.