Back in February my wife and I enjoyed a trip to Vegas gifted by my mother in law at Christmas time. She came with some friends as well, and all was well. One of the nights we were there my wife and my MIL as well as her friends, decided they were going to go to a club in the hotel and us guys were going to go play craps. I got tired and decided to head back to the room. I showered and patiently waited for my wife to return to the room after receiving some detailed texts about what she wanted that night.
She arrived stumbling and clearly way to drunk for any kind of activity so I undressed her and got her into bed. I plugged her phone in and was about to go to bed when her phone started blowing up from one of the friends. I answered her phone and they informed me she had left her credit card at the bar. I thanked her for telling me and ended the call. I swiped up as I usually do to close the app I am using and her phone displayed a text conversation that wasn’t in the regular iMessage App. It caught my eye and I thought it was strange. I opened it and discovered it was a text between her and one of her colleagues. She was a principal and he is as well. There were photos shared of her in her sexy outfit. Him telling her how hot she looked and the last message was “love you baby”. I was seeing red. I didn’t know what to do. I went to her photos and saw she had shared MANY photos with him. Very intimate photos. I saved all of the photos and sent them to my google drive account. I saved all the texts and sent screenshots to my account as well.
I then went onto FB messenger to see what else she has been up to. I saw that one of her ex boyfriends was expressing how much he missed her and how HE should have married her. NOT me. She is so perfect blah blah blah. She didn’t engage much in that conversation but I screenshotted that and saved it as well. I then went and deleted all the screenshots from the recently deleted photos folder making sure she did not know I screenshotted all of these things.
I stayed up all night pacing as she slept drunk. I had his phone number from her phone. I saved it and screenshotted it in the Telegram app to prove it is his number in the messages. I found his address. I found his wife’s name and her phone number. I found her on social media. I was ready to blow this all up. But I didn’t. I love my wife and I decided to let her explain herself before I blasted them to his wife. I packed my bags and was ready to change my ticket and fly out. But again, I love my wife and this would have caused her great embarrassment if I were to be gone early in the trip leaving her to explain to her mom and friends where I was and what happened. So again I stayed put.
By this time it was about 6-7 AM I took her phone and went downstairs to the little coffee shop and breakfast place in the hotel. I just helped myself through all of her stuff. I checked the phone statement on my phone and found out how long this had been going on. Just over a year. All the vacations, dates, and fun little things we did together she was usually texting him with me right next to her. I bought her a coffee, an orange juice, a red bull, and a bottle of water so she could sober up when she woke up.
I went back to the room and plugged her phone in. I had everything. I had an Idea. I logged into the Telegram app they were using and signed into the web browser application so I could see all of the messages between them. I sat on the bed next to her sad, angry, heartbroken, and just in disbelief.
FINALLY at about 11 o’clock she started stirring. She told me to come lay with her so I did. She immediately knew something was wrong when I got into bed with her. I guess she could just feel it. She immediately jumped up and turned to me and asked me what was wrong before I had even said a word. All I said was “Who is Greg?” She immediately got defensive and sighed. She asked why I would go through her phone like that? I told her what had happened and I wasn’t snooping through her phone trying to find out what she was up to. Someone called and I saw it. She jumped up and grabbed her phone and went to the bathroom. I opened the browser on my phone and saw she had sent him a message. “I left the app open last night. OP saw it. “ Then she deleted it. She deleted all of the messages. So they disappeared in my web browser as well but I already had them saved. He replied with, “oh no shit? Am I in trouble?” I laughed. This guy was 41 years old. A principal. Asking if he was in trouble. I found it funny that he did not give a shit to ask how she was.
She came out of the bathroom and I showed her my phone and said, “you’re really going to go text him right now?” She started crying and I began asking all of the questions I wanted answered. I wanted to go to his house. I wanted to burn it down. I wanted to do physical harm to him but I have a precious daughter and a very good job that requires a security clearance. I finally lost the urge to confront him but I still have the urge to let his wife know.
The problem is my wife does not want me to. I don’t know why. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, or me finding out somethings she didn’t tell me or lied to me about? Who knows, but I want his wife to know. She deserves to know. I wanted to post his and her phone # here that night but I thought they may get me banned as well as possibly into some civil trouble.
What should I do? Should I risk making things worse with my wife? (Things are going well. We are in therapy and working it out) or Find a way to let his wife know? If I do, I can imagine my wife will know I did it if it blows up.
*UPDATE FOR INFO CONTEXT*
I took a job 3 hours away before I found out. I moved our family to another state 7 months before I found out.
It also complicated things that she lost her brother in a tragic car accident just after I found out. It complicated on how or if I should leave. My FIL really leaned on me for help during this time. So it made it harder to navigate.
TLDR
I caught my wife cheating. I Saved the evidence and do not know if I should tell his wife.
35 comments
Go get a lawyer, get started on filing for divorce.
Make copies of everything.
Split your bank accounts.
Immediately go tell his wife and let him burn.
How could you ever trust her again? I know I couldn’t, the stress of the what ifs would simply be too much. I personally would file for divorce but you do you, I don’t know every detail of your relationship.
The wife deserves to know, you must show her.
Tell his wife! And split up from your wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater. What they did was deceitful and you’ll spend so much emotional energy trying to repair that marriage. If you truly wish to make it work (not something I recommend in the slightest…) the r/survivinginfidelity sub might be better suited for that type of thing. But still tell his wife, she deserves to make that choice herself and who knows how many other women he is sleeping with and he could get his wife sick. I don’t think cheaters deserve a second chance, as it’s one of the highest levels of betrayal in my eyes.
I would tell his wife. He was more than willing to destory your relationship and his own relationship. Personally i would do it in person.
Tell the wife. She deserves to know the truth just like you now know the truth.
Tell his wife! Wouldn’t you want to know?
Damn, man. I’m so sorry. You are a true gentleman and handled this better than 99% of us would. Your wife sounds like a master manipulator. Do you really believe she regrets this or is just embarrassed that she was caught? If she was serious about honesty moving forward, then why not own up to it and let the other guy’s wife know as well? If she’s trying to protect him, she might still want to rekindle the relationship after the smoke clears.
Holy fuck we are working through this???? BLOW THAT SHIT UP. Contact the wife and end that shit. She didn’t seem to have a lick of remorse in that whole situation. If you don’t want to post her info I will bro I got you
His wife deserves to know about the pos she’s married to
She doesn’t want his wife to know so she can continue the affair with him in relative comfort. Spill the beans dude
Tell the wife. Imagine if you were still in the dark. She is also laying next to a man that is texting as she sleeps. You don’t owe your wife anything at this point.
His wife deserves to know. Her husband cheated on her with your wife.
Of course cheaters don’t want to be exposed for what they are. They don’t want to feel guilty or feel the repercussions of their actions.
You were never supposed to find out your wife & her boyfriend Greg were in love but you did. After you confronted her she ran straight to him & that says a lot.
It’s not your responsibility to keep their secrets. So I believe the wife deserves to know & what ever happens afterwards the fault/blame lies directly on your wife & Greg.
Lots of folks on here are advising you to divorce and move on but if you’re working on it then that’s great for you and I understand that working on your relationship rather than separating is a choice you’ve made due to children, careers and the cost of actually separating assets etc
Your wife and you should however reach out to his wife. He’ll do this again, if it’s not with your wife, then with someone else’s . Explain to your wife that she bears responsibility to the innocent person in all of this and how coming clean can strengthen your relationship and help both of you to move forward. Hope this helps.
You should 100% inform both his wife and the school board. You should also leave your wife who will cheat on you again with this guy or someone else. It’s been happening for at least a year!
The fact that your wife wants to protect her boyfriend more than her husband and marriage should tell you everything you need to know. She’s not reconciliation material if she’s still protecting her lover and not taking responsibility for her shitty decisions, then she’s showing you she’ll do it again and whatever it is that lets her cheat is still there. And yes, his wife absolutely has a right to know and you should send her all the screenshots ASAP.
Why would you want to work it out with someone who’s been cheating you for the last year? Both of them are POS and deserve each other. And if I was his wife, I’d want to know. Tell her. And then get a good divorce lawyer
she’s only sorry she got caught, whatever “terms” she may have agreed to afterward, if you didn’t find out when you did she would’ve kept letting that guy blow her back out while you lived 3 hours away, in your bed. tell his wife, tell her family, whatever you need to do to get out of there and leave her with the repercussions of her actions.
Umm your wife is the betrayer , that man is a snake and you should tell his wife if not just to spite him, but your wife is the villain in this. To text him like that right when you found out, it’s the emotional cheating for me that makes it so bad. He is obviously the man she loves and is mentally invested in. How you feel about that is up to you, but I feel for you
bro, SPILL THEM BEANS. Ruin his life. and have zero regrets. Players like to play games, they can lose this one.
If she had discovered the affair first would you have wanted her to tell you? Yes, she deserves to know and he needs to account for what he did. If you do decide to reconcile she can’t be protecting him, she needs to break contact and focus on you but regardless the wife deserves to know.
You should absolutely tell the wife
ETA: it’s doubtful that you have all the truth. Shes probably hiding more…which is probably part of the reason that she doesn’t want to tell the wife
No one here is you, and I suppose you have some reason for not tossing her out. That level of betrayal is way too much for me. Especially when he’s the first person she texted when you called her on it.
I’d never trust her again, regardless of what amends she tried to make. There’s some cases where love just isn’t enough to overcome the damage someone caused
Tell the wife and be out. She literally went to text him as soon as you confronted her. What a scum bag
Tell his wife for sure.
His wife needs the same chance to make decisions about her life and relationships as you. Send her all the information.
Tell the wife for sure she deserves to know. Aside from that youre a fool for staying, this has been going on over a year shes not going to stop regardless of what she says.
Updateme!
screw that man she the AP’s wife deserves to know
The Good News: You have more than enough info to avoid a lot of gaslighting and trickle truth.
The Bad News: She’s still having an affair… Because she is fully committed to protecting her affiar partner. She wants to spare him from the truth, but more alarmingly, she wants to protect him from YOU. She may have done everything else you asked of her but she’s also putting him and his comfort before your healing. Shouldn’t you be first? Why aren’t you first?!?!
Speaking of healing, you won’t heal until the other partner knows (it took me a while to figure this one out myself; lesson learned). Your conscience won’t rest because deep down you know that not telling his wife is cruel. You are condemning her to a Purgatory of Ignorance that you yourself are having to escape. And it’s a lot like hell, isn’t it?I wonder if she has suspicions but is being gaslit?
You deserved to know. She deserves to know.
And until your wife knows that you are willing, ready, and able to leave her for doing this to you, then she’s just going to do this again with some schmuck who lives closer. Consider a few months separation with limited contact. That will give you time to breathe and think about you and whether you can move on with her. And hopefully that will show her that not putting her husband and his protection first has real consequences.
Good luck, friend. Remember you have done the least harm, so you should be doing the least work to fix this mess she and her mattress-mate made.
Your wife doesn’t get a say in whether you expose her affair. She and this other guy knew exactly what they did, and didn’t for once think in the best interests of there partners or marriage.
She’s only fighting you on this because she doesn’t want to face the consequences of her own selfish actions. Given the update, you don’t even live near one another, so whatever backlash that may have come about is reduced for the most part.
The other woman deserves to know, as would you if the situation was reversed. Living in ignorance isn’t all that great, when your partners a proven cheater. It it happened once it will happen again, especially if he suffered zero consequences. She might catch something from one of his many escapades, or she’ll find out about the affair herself years down the road. Better to nip it now, so she’s able to make an informed decision about her own future.
If your wife’s serious about being fully committed to you and your marriage, then she’ll stop fighting you on this, and inform this woman herself with you at her side. This is her mess, and it’s say a lot if she’s willing to throw this guy under the bus after going behind your back. Her brothers death while tragic, has essentially made you rug sweep this entire thing. You’ve never actually dealt with it, playing pretend or forcing it all down aren’t healthy coping mechanisms. Get into therapy and start actually reconciling, or this marriage is doomed.
How the fuck do you not leave her after this? Of course you should tell his wife, but man, just leave her.
I can’t tell you what to do. None of us can. This is completely and totally your decision to make. But, I can tell you my POV as a 40 year old married woman.
I would want you to tell me. I would want ***anyone*** to tell me. I would not want to be the last person to know, wondering how many people were laughing at my plight behind my back. I would want to know who else in my circle of friends or family had known and said nothing. I would want to know, despite how incredibly painful knowing would be.
I’d want to see the evidence. All of it. No matter how scandalous, or how much it hurt to see it. I’d feel I have the right to see what my spouse said to their affair partner, especially if it involved declarations of love, or comparisons of their affair partner to me. I would want to see the photos, chat logs, videos, all of it. Not because I enjoy being hurt so severely, but because I deserve at least the respect of knowing who, what, where, when, how, and why. And I’d know that there’s no way I’d get the full and honest story from the person who chose to do this to me.
Now, I’m obviously not every woman. And I can only speak for myself. But if I were the one who had the mountains of evidence, I’d find a way to reach out to the other cheated-on partner, inform them about what I know, and offer them the evidence I have. Then leave it up to them to decide if they want the evidence or not.
Wishing you all the best.
You wanted to know. His wife should be extended the same courtesy.
I think you’re making a huge mistake staying with your wife. Ultimately it’s your decision of course, but no amount of I’m sorrys or therapy appointments you go to will change the fact that she doesn’t love you. You can go along, living your life under the illusion that she does, and that she’s totally remorseful, that’s your prerogative, as long as you know that it’s just that, an illusion, it’s not real. The first thing she did when she realized you knew was run to the bathroom to tell the guy that they’ve been found out. In that moment, her first thought was literally of him. In that moment, her concern was NOT for you. That isn’t something that can be fixed in therapy. She is a skilled manipulator, has ZERO respect for you and it’s highly likely that she will step out on you again. She’s going through the motions, doing what she has to do to keep you from leaving her, leading you to a place where she makes you believe that you can trust her, she’s changed, she loves you. You can’t, she hasn’t, and she doesn’t. There are so many great women out there that are honest, loyal, not manipulative, and will want to be with you for you. Just thinking about cheating on my partner makes me sick, the love and respect I have for him make it impossible to even entertain the thought. My loyalty is to him, that’s how it’s supposed to be-hers is not to you. Please reconsider, and don’t let her take advantage of you. As far as of you should tell the wife? No. Their relationship is not your concern, none of your business, and she probably already knows anyway.
She ‘got defensive, sighed and ran right into the bathroom’ and texted HIM before talking to you. All that needs to be said. I get that you’re allowing the death of her brother to feel bad for her, but don’t