About a month ago my grandpa passed. At first we all thought grandma accepted it immediately and didn’t mind that much. But after sleeping in the same house with her one night I discovered we’re all wrong. Shes an EXTREMELY religious woman and prays every night. The prayer she gave that night haunts me to this day. The whole day, she wouldn’t show any signs of sadness and would be happy and nice to everybody. But at night when she prays she lets her feelings out. She cries for 40mins+ and says depressing stuff. I can’t accept that a person that’s on their last feet too is going through this stuff although its not something uncommon with really old couples i guess. This happened a few weeks ago. Now she kinda shows her feelings in everyday life too. Shes not in the mood to do anything, she jokingly says things like “im gonna go see grandpa” “ill die and youll only have your other grandma” now keep in mind she says these things in another language and although they might not sound happy at all to you, she again says them in a funny way, but deep inside i think she means all of it. The one thing she hates in loneliness. Thats what she says in her prayers too. And unfortunately, no relative can be there 24/7 so she stays alone quite a bit. After many hours of staying alone, if i visit her she will say “im bored of living” again not in a serious way, but not that jokingly either this time. She also has altzeheimers and forgets what day it is, dates, if she has food in the fridge and stuff and much more. Im not sure how this affects her emotionally. I go there for many hours every day (5+) but im honestly starting to get tired. Ive tried to get her to do things but ive realized that these things i thought she was into, my granpda was actually into and not her. Like gardening and cooking. She doesn’t know how to cook and the few things she knew she has forgotten. What can I do? I won’t be able to be there so much especially when school starts after summer. Will she get over this? I have a feeling that she wont with the altzeheimers idk if thats possible though. She has old standards and the thing that gave purpose to her life was taking care of the house/kids and her husband. Now she doesn’t have/do neither of those so she has nothing. Shes so old I don’t think i can get her in any other hobbies or something. Also, shes afraid of thieves and dying at night (sleeping times) while noone is in the house and not being able to call for help. She wants me to sleep there every night but of course I can’t do that. She doesn’t sleep at night because of that and only sleeps well if I actually sleep there too.
6 comments
Tell your family to look into a home care worker for her. There are agencies all over the country and they act as a companion.
Sounds like someone in your family needs to move in with her or move her into *their* home. With her having Alzheimer’s, it’s not safe for her to be alone. It only takes her forgetting that she has something cooking on the stove to burn the house down!
Hey I’ve gone through this exact thing with my grandma and a less degree (no dementia and less hopeless situation) with my mother is developing.
It’s a tough situation. There’s no solution. There’s no magical set up which will make everything great and amazing.
1. Your gran, our parents, you – all one day will outgrow your bodies biology to be able to function. As we get older our eyes done see so good and our legs don’t run so fast. Parts of our brain begin to decay and we begin to lose a functions. Sometimes this can result in dementia or similar illnesses. In the past we probably didn’t live long enough to see these days of madness but now we all are living 80+ and for multiple reasons can be at risk.
It’s horrific watching a family member with or without memory loss being lonely and dealing with tragedy. Dealing with dementia/alz/memory loss is very painful and sadly it gets progressively worse.
There is not much you can do to save her. Your contribution is wonderful and caring and that’s the best you can hope for. Is to be there and make some moments of laughter. If she wants to joke morbid then joke back until she laughs too.
She is in pain and that’s tough to watch. You can’t take the pain away but your kind presence and effort ADDs moments of relief, peace and sleep. That’s truly wonderful of you.
2. Don’t torture yourself. Your message sounds like you have a deep concern for your grandmother. You’ve come to Reddit to get advice on it. Would she even understand that as a concept? 😅
But remember you’re 17 and your her grandchild. She loves you and you love her. Yes, she benefits from every moment you are there but the tough truth is you won’t be able to be there all the time. She will be lonely because by the time you’re that age a lot of yojr pals are dead and as a woman you often outlive your man. Sadly dementia worsens wirh loneliness in my experience. Look after yourself. Protect your mental space and try to remember this is the crazy journey of life. You have years and decades to live beyond this. This is such a huge and heavy experience that not many people your age would be facing. Try to remember it’s not your responsibility to solve this. Your responsibility is to keep yourself well and learn how you can give where possible but also be able to compartmentalise that you can’t be there all the time and your grandmother will have to be alone sometimes.
3. Perhaps speak to a trusted family member who is high up in the hierarchy who can help implement a strategy of different people visiting and staying. The other option is a joint family system but not sure if that’s an option.
My main advice is just to look after yourself. This is a crazy journey you are on and you will get a lot of joy and love from the bond and care you can give but you won’t be able to help her have moments of joy at the end of her life if you are feeling down or overwhelmed by it all.
Maybe she should see a psychiatrist or a therapist. Maybe she will have to take Antidepressants. They helped my grandma.
If there is a good assisted living facility that she could move into, they could make sure she is safe, that she is well-nourished, and that her medical needs are taken care of. And, hopefully, being around others and engaging in social activities would bring her some joy. I’m sure you have the picture of a “nursing home” in mind, but there are many more nice places for elderly people nowadays. Probably because people are living much longer! lol If there is one run by her religious order, that could be a good start.
My grandfather has Alzheimer’s too, and it’s not easy. Honestly, this is something for her kids to manage, not her grandkids – especially not one of 17 years old. Have you told your parents/uncles about all of this? If you haven’t, you should at least begin with your parents. If you have, have they done anything?
As for you, drop by once in a while, as you’ve been doing. Ask her for life advice, or how things were back in her time, or do crosswords with her, watch some interesting movies together – anything to keep her mind active. There’s a saying in my language, which roughly translates to “an empty mind is the devil’s workshop”; keep her busy. While it may not be as grand as offering her a reason to live, maybe being part of her grandkid’s life will offer her some joy.