Our relationship has become complete shit. I’m trying to say that and repeat that so I believe it and find the strength to leave. He took a job last year that put us at semi-long distance. We were already in a bad place, I knew the distance would be too much. He ended up meeting another girl on the job. It should’ve ended their between them; just friends/coworkers. But he hired her on his next job when he was back local. The way he talked about her, I could just tell there was something there. I think back on how many times I should’ve left. That if I had left then maybe I could’ve moved on by now. But I love him. I’ve always loved him so deeply. I just wanted us to fix it. To get to where we were before.
He slept with her. Twice. At work and once in her car. He didn’t confess to me. She told me in an attempt to steal him from me. I should’ve let her have him. Instead I thought we were both fighting for eachother. When I finally confronted him that I knew – there had been so many lies. So much distrust. And so many promises to do better. That we hit a breaking point and we were going to fix everything. He promised therapy and couples therapy. He promised accountability and transparency. He promised understanding. I don’t know why I believed him. He got angry when I had a hard time recovering from the cheating. He got angry when I was back to normal. He never found us a therapist.
I’m reading this and I’m hating myself for being this person. For being so weak. For depending on someone who is clearly not dependable. For needing someone who is comfortable hurting me.
I don’t have enough money to leave. We’ve been together for 4 years. We have 2 dogs together. We live in a very expensive city. I’m scared of being alone and not having support.
I guess I need advice on how to accept the reality of who he is and that our relationship is over. And it probably has been over for a long time. I’m so scared of being alone. And not finding someone who can love me.
tl:dr my boyfriend cheated on me months ago and I just can’t find the strength to leave him.
10 comments
Leave that old fucker. You deserve better. If you love yourself, leave. If you were looking for a sign, here it is
☹️ I’m sorry. The only reason he promised those things is because he feels the same way (stuck living together with dogs, and less expensive) and the other chick knows and is down to continue on with him so in his mind- why would he change anything??? Realizing this is very hard and so is leaving but once you do it in much less time than you may think you’ll let out a sigh of relief and feel free. Seriously. One day you’ll be with someone who’s head over heels and treats you completely different and you’ll look back and laugh. Once again, seriously.
Okay from a person who stayed. It’s not okay it never ever gets okay it’s always completely horrid and then you have children and your tied even tighter. And he cheats again and again and he has less respect for you because you stayed and you hate yourself even more. Really 2 dogs no kids move back closer to family seems like a dream come true.
When you’ve had enough you’ll leave. Until then you’ll endure it.
Hey. You can absolutely leave. Find a job, any job, that can support you. It won’t be glamorous at first. But you don’t need much to be happy. Just your health, a roof over your head and the ability to pursue your dreams.
This guy isn’t the guy. But life’s goal isn’t to find “the guy”, trust me – we all move through this world alone. Even if we slap a label on another human and tell the world “this is my partner!” we are still essentially alone with our own deepest thoughts.
So so rare is the pair that stays starry-eyed about their partner after decades of being together.
You have been given a gift. Live you life for you, not for anyone else.
Leave!
Don’t waste anymore time with him.
Hurts to leave I get it, It’s familiar.
It will hurt more to stay in the long run and he will do it again.
Once that bridge is crossed there’s no turning back.
You’ll always be wondering and torturing yourself.
Don’t!! Get the hell out of there, you deserve better. Imagine if this was your daughter?
What would you tell her??
There’s over 7 billion people in the world…I’m sure you’ll find someone again, don’t settle for this kind of bullshit OP!!
Leave, I promise you will find someone who knows how and wants to love you completely and will be honest with you 🙂
Girl don’t do this to yourself…you deserve better! ✨
Hey, my DMs are open if you need someone to talk to (I’m 36F, btw). Leaving my ex-husband was the hardest thing I ever did, but he was refusing to go to therapy and wasn’t doing anything to rebuild my trust in him. Wanted to act like it never happened, while meantime, I was depressed and had trust and self-esteem issues. It got so much better once I left for a separation and got some space. Is there anyone you could go stay with for a week? It sounds like you could use some proper space to cry, grieve, and think more clearly. Please DM if you want to vent to someone. And you can go through my post history if you’d like to read through my story. I left two years ago and am really happy now.
Hey OP – here’s some wisdom I found in a Cardi B song:
*“You even got me trippin’, you got me lookin’ in the mirror different
Thinkin’ I’m flawed because you inconsistent”*
Don’t hate yourself. Mute that noise in your head. You aren’t the one who fucked up here. It’s not you who’s weak. You *should* be able to depend on your partner – this says a lot about him but not about you.
I’m so sorry about the dogs and I understand living in an expensive place and the implications of these things. Will you truly be alone without support though? What about friends? Family in a different city? You may be surprised at the support you receive from people when you ask/tell them what’s going on.
The dog thing is heartbreaking. But I think if the only reason you are staying is for the dog, well, that says a lot…Can you get a side gig working as a dog walker for a dog school? Mine take their dogs on the walks with them so you’d make extra $ while being with your dogs. Could get yourself a place soon…if it turns out you have to leave the dogs – well then you have extra time to start a side job and it will be easier for you to rent a single room somewhere (versus a whole place).
This man isn’t it – he can’t even face a therapy appointment. If you aren’t capable of addressing your problems then you can never solve them. Think about what that says of him as an individual and as a partner – this dude is 35 and he can’t even look his own self-made problems in the mirror. He’s not capable of growing. As an individual or a partner. That’s kind of pathetic.
But you aren’t pathetic. If you had a partner that approached behaved/thought like you, then you would have a nice relationship. So go free yourself to find that – you are capable and worthy of it. But first take time to heal and love yourself. One day you won’t miss him.
Ps I will pray that you get to keep the dogs but remember they probably want you to be happy too (and right now you aren’t. Look how he has you feeling about yourself). Best of luck – power and strength to you girl!