I’m 28F and my partner is 32M. We’ve been married 3 years (sexually active 6) and we’ve never really been bunnies about sex, but I’m now in my second trimester of pregnancy and feeling very affectionate and just now noticing that my partner hardly ever initiates sex.
We probably have sex 3 times a month (sometimes 2, sometimes 4) but I can’t remember the last time he started it. I’m starting to feel very self conscious and afraid to discuss in the fear of 1) it’s embarrassing and 2) I don’t want to pressure him if he’s just not feeling it.
The “stigma” I guess is that men are always down and very forward with trying… so I’m feeling like somethings wrong with me/our relationship? Thoughts?
TL;DR how do you cope with feeling unwanted when your sex drives don’t align
7 comments
It is a misconception that all men are very sexual. But if you are feeling unsatisfied. You should talk to him. Be super honest about what you want or need, be brave, be vulnerable. It’s hard to be married, talking through it is the work it takes to be successfully married.
Just ask him, hey, why haven’t you tried to fuck me lately, making me ask you? Ask kind of playfully and not in a, you’re making me feel this way, what’s wrong with me, TELL ME TELL ME kind of way. Just innocently ask him.
Men have a testosterone level about 9 times that of women. Libido is closely correlated to T levels. (for example gay men couples have sex on average 9 times as often as lesbian couples).
So yeah, something is up. Either his T levels are unusuaĺly low (have him see a doctor. low T causes a wide range of detrimental effects), or there is some other reason he does not initiate. Could be some fear of harming the baby, could be that he is stressed out, or as you fear simply that he is not attracted to you in your pregnant state. You will need to talk to him to find out.
My husband is the same. Every few months I reach my limit and bring it up, he feels horrible, I end up feeling horrible that I made him feel that way, he slightly improves, and then everything starts all over again.
We have been together almost 18 years, and this has always been an issue.
We did sex therapy for a while. It really helped.
First-she said no sex. No touching, nothing. My husband thought that any physical contact would result in me wanting sex (this wasn’t the way, but how he thought). So sex was taken off the table.
Then we slowly introduced it – first was we were allowed to touch etc.
He really never thinks about sex, and has said he could live without it. Whereas that is my love language (anything physical, it doesn’t need to be sex).
It takes effort for him for even think about sex. Any amount of stress for him, leads to a dry spell of around a month.
A few years ago I attempted to reconcile myself to a sexless marriage. I was done with being turned down-even for a kiss, and feeling horrible about myself. So I took it into my own hands (literally).
Now he is better with physical affection, but sex is still rare. I don’t remember the last time. Let alone that last time he got me go orgasm.
I don’t have advice. I have been trying for years. As much as he just wants me to realize that he doesn’t think about it, I want him to make an effort because it is important to me.
You are not alone. Having a vibrator has helped, but it isn’t the same. Therapy helped-but Covid ruined that (and a video call while your kids are home really isn’t the same!).
I’m sorry. I understand how you feel.
2nd trimester means you are showing. Some men might become afraid of hurting the baby.
Men also go through significant hormonal changes through a pregnancy. Test levels drop to make the baby safer and make the man more likely to stay at home.
You need to have a conversation about where his libido is at. Maybe he wants to have sex but is leaving you alone.
Also pls remember men are constantly drilled on not pressuring pregnant women into having sex. Leaving them feeling wrong for even thinking about asking.
Also is he worried about hurting you or the baby.
Lastly and hardest to deal with, he might just not find pregnancy sexually appealing…. And let’s not flame guys for this… Its not something they expect either…nor does it always last, the whole pregnancy. Or reflect how they feel about their partners overall.
Sometimes they get suddenly overwhelmed with it all too, but they kno better than to try and express a hard time to a pregnant woman…. We r not usually very sympathetic.
Hope u guys find a way to talk it out… All the best.
You can start by not thinking all men are obsessed with sex when you are literally married to a man who isn’t. And if your worth falls into your husband wanting to have sex with you, maybe you need to be talking to somebody. You def need to talk to husband about it. Don’t cause problems in your head without hearing his feelings.