Hey so I’ve (F25) had this friend (F25) for a few years who lives in another country now. Years ago just after they moved away they admitted that they had a crush on me for a while but were over it now. I had a partner time and I said if they were over it then it was cool, and things moved on and they have been dating someone (F26) for almost 2 years now.
At first I was happy for my friend but it turns out the relationship is actually really toxic. There’s lots of emotional abuse with this person constantly belittling and undermining my friend to the point that i’ve seen their personality change and they just believe everything they do is wrong and everything that happens is their fault. They are definitely quite vulnerable and isolated in the country they live in now so this is a big part of why they’re so afraid to leave the relationship. Obviously I don’t know the other person’s side of the story, but I know that they definitely gaslight and manipulate my friend into always taking the blame for any kind of disagreement they have and constantly makes them apologise for crying and getting upset and stuff.
It’s gotten bad lately, where every few weeks I get a phonecall from this friend in tears on the verge of a breakdown because their whole sense of self has been so worn down by this relationship.
Finally they decided to book a ticket back to this country to visit some friends and have some space from the situation, and now this persons partner has said if they see me while here they’ll break up with them. (They are justifying this controlling behaviour because they’ve been cheated on in the past). I’m really hurt and angry about all this. I’ve been doing my best to support my friend for months, and even to try and help them understand their abusive partner and how to get them help because they insist they really don’t want to leave but I don’t know how handle this anymore. This is super toxic and unpleasant, not to mention really insulting, and to top it all off I have a partner myself. What do they really think is going to happen? I’m so frustrated that my friend just refuses to stand up to this person at all and I don’t want to abandon them when they’re in an awful place but this has really hurt me. What’s the best way to handle a situation like this?
TL,DR: close friend who lives abroad is visiting back next month, their abusive partner says they’re not allowed to see me while they’re back, how should I handle this?
2 comments
There is literally nothing you can do. You cant reason with an abusive person to make them stop being abusive. You cant force your friend to dump them. All you can do is tell your friend that you are there for them and keep the lines of communication open so she can reach out once she finally decides to get out. Thats really it.
Your friend must remove herself from these toxic people. Those people won’t change. Your friend has to.
But, if your friend has very low self esteem, it’s my guess that she’ll never do it and will continue to associate with this group.
You can advise your friend until the cows come home. She is the person who has to actually do something about this situation.