My (23F) boyfriend (26M) and I have been together for almost 3 years. About 1 year ago I started suffering from Retroactive Jealousy (obsessive thoughts and jealousy about a partner’s past) due to his past relationship and have been on a steady downward spiral since then. I have been seeing a therapist for this issue (and anxiety in general) and during my last session we were trying to pinpoint what exactly triggered my jealousy. After doing a lot of thinking I realized that it was the culmination of anxiety built up from hearing my boyfriend talk about his ex for a year and a half. He had been randomly bringing up his ex in conversation since our first date and most of it was completely unwarranted. There were a couple times where their relationship was brought up to explain why he had certain mental health issues or problems with things, but most of them were completely arbitrary like, “Oh my ex really liked the Beatles,” or “My ex had that type of dog”. I HATED it every time he would bring her up because I knew it meant he was thinking about her, but I never said anything because I didn’t want him to think I was being weird or was the “jealous type.” He has stopped doing it since I’ve mentioned being really insecure about his past relationship, but the damage is still there.
Basically I’m feeling crazy and just wanted to ask y’all, is this normal? Do people actually talk about their exes like this in new relationships? Would you all be ok if your partner did this?
Thanks for listening!
TL;DR: My boyfriend used to bring up his ex a lot in random conversation and it’s made me extremely insecure. Is this messed up or am I just too sensitive?
8 comments
I’ve never been in a relationship where ex-lovers *weren’t* brought up. So much of one’s relationship style is determined by one’s experiences with others, not to mention ex’s are often a huge part of one’s history.
Yeah no people shouldn’t talk about their ex regularly.
I once pulled a friend aside and said something to the effect of, “You know, you should really stop talking about your ex quite so much in front of your wife.”
Sometimes exes come up, and it shouldn’t be traumatic. You can’t ask your partner to pretend they didn’t have a romantic history before you.
But also, if your partner brings them up all the time, it’s totally fine to say, “I’m not asking you to never mention her, but it seems like she comes up a lot, and maybe we could dial that back?”
Memory is one of those weird things. If your ex had a Golden Retriever, and you see a Golden Retriever, it’s very logical that you’d think of your ex briefly. It’s not a choice. But it also doesn’t mean that he was sitting around thinking about her before he saw the dog, y’know?
So it seems like he’s probably mentioning her too much AND that you’re reading more into his random comments than is really fair.
My fiance used to talk about his exes maybe every few months in the very beginning and maybe once a year now. Things like “I’ll always have some type of love for her because she was there for me when I had no one”. I understood it for what it was. He can appreciate what someone did for him but he’s not in love with her. He may say things now like “she looks just like a girl I dated”. He doesn’t say “omg I miss her”, so it’s not a big deal to me. If he’s constantly comparing you, that’s one thing. To me, it sounds like your boyfriend dated people before you and brings things up naturally.
Usually it’s people who got into a new relationship before being over their ex.
I used to date a woman who brought up her ex a lot. It kinda bothered me but I was unsure if I was being unreasonable so I said nothing. Finally my friends approached me privately to mention how they were all noticing it too and that I should address it.
To me, it’s more unnatural to edit your ex out of banal stories that happened to include them, so “Bob and I went to New York this one time” rather than leaving an awkward Bob-shaped hole in the anecdote. Or you might talk about the ex if they caused a psychological issue you’re having.
But Bob doesn’t need to be mentioned daily, and where I think the line really should be drawn is in making negative comparisons to Bob.
Very little. He has unresolved feeling for her – it appears anger. He should be talking to a professional about how to come to terms with this in a positive way, not complain to you about her.
My BF does this. Still. Since the beginning. Last time we hung out we watched a movie hes like, “that actress looks like my ex.” I didnt know what kind of response he wanted from me nor did i think it was such important/relevant information so i just stayed quiet. I understand how you feel. It happens tho, just dont give it power. You are better than allowing it to affect you. He will stop one day. Stay strong sis.