Much of my life I avoided confrontation and let people cross my boundaries. This led me to feel alot of anger and irritation. I first thought the anger was directed at the people treating me poorly, but I came to realize that my anger was founded in my inability to stand up for myself, as if I had betrayed myself.
Lately I tried to change that, taking any fights where I felt somebody crossed my boundaries. However I have noticed that standing up for yourself and setting boundaries have consequences of its own, often in the form of tension with other people.
In some cases people refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing either, for example I told a group member that the way he spoke to me was rude and he said that it wasn’t… I can’t š
I have also noticed that after setting boundaries certain people try to please you to get on your good side. For example, I had an altercation with a guy and now it feels like he is trying to be my friend, doing it in ways that honestly makes me very comfortable, like touching my body bydragging his hand over my lower back, or being overly interested in everything I say??
I don’t know what to do anymore, feels like no matter what I do it is…wrong?
1 comment
First of all, thereās a misconception in society that setting boundaries requires some sort of āspeaking upā or confrontation. That is not always true.
You can set boundaries quietly. Walking away, leaving someone on read, going low/no contact, etc, are all ways of setting boundaries without requiring you to have to really say anything. In fact, I recommend this approach if you are dealing with someone who literally who doesnāt care about you. There are lots of selfish (possibly even narcissistic or psychopathic) people who could not an F about your feelings. So donāt waste your energy arguing with them or asking them to treat you better. Just silently distance yourself and go find nicer people to hang around.
However, if a close friend or someone who cares about you did something to accidentally hurt you, then you should have a conversation with them. Even here, I would suggest phrasing things nicely and avoid blaming people. Just say something like, āI was a little hurt when this happened. I would appreciate it if you donāt say/do that in the future.ā (If someone keeps doing it anyway, then that is a person you should probably not be close to).
The last example about people trying to please youā¦ is not something I have ever experienced. But Iām also a woman and have never yelled at anyone to set boundaries. It is possible that some men are attracted to other men who seem to have power. If the guy makes you feel uncomfortable, then set boundaries with him.