A clarification:
Based on my experience, many men shame women who are sexually active and have several sex partners etc. Whether intentional or not, it tends to make casual hook ups less desirable for women (at least to those of us who are easily affected by shaming).
At the same time, many guys (edit. surprisingly many of the shamers) complain about the fact that they can not get hook ups and either have to stay alone or deal with women who want something more serious.
So basically, more often than not, these guys shame women for smth that they wish to get more from women. I wonder what could cause this type type of dissonance?
EDIT. Statement made based on my own experience irl and observations from social media. Obviously this behavior does not apply to all straight men but for me, that’s the default setting in gender-related issues.
34 comments
Because there is a direct correlation to someone who is promiscuous and not being faithful in a monogamous relationship this goes both for men and women.
Women that are into hook ups generally aren’t hooking up with the guys who are having trouble getting laid. I agree that shaming women for their sexual history is stupid, but it’s not like sexual liberation has done much for the average man’s sex life. Men on average are actually having less sex these days.
Generally speaking, the men who aren’t thrilled with promiscuity aren’t the ones looking for hook-ups, they’re looking for women with the same conservative sexual values as themselves to build a relationship more substantial than just a booty call.
But aside from that, sometimes people are just dicks and like to make others feel bad. It might come from a place of jealousy (“she’s fucking all those guys but not me, so I’m angry”), a place of judgement and superficiality (“She’s hot so I’d fuck her, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to wife a slut!”) or numerous other reasons.
The men who shame women for being sexually active are generally doing it because those women choose not to be sexually active with them. It’s a response to them feeling rejected.
lol but im not looking for hook ups so if there was the option i wouldn’t take it so ya someone who is and has been in the past is a huge turn off
It’s easy for women to be promiscuous. Its difficult for men.
Because the women are hooking up and not getting into relationships. And the average straight man is the looser in all this because women are hooking up with the above average guys. The 80/20 rule bears out: 20% of men have having 80% of women. Average guys and above average guys are getting ignored as women go for well above average guys
The men shaming women for promiscuity aren’t the ones who would benefit from said women being promiscuous.
If you are a promiscuous women, you want to sleep with the hottest guys available, which is completely reasonable. Unfortunately that leaves a lot of men out of the fun.
“lack of hook ups”?… I’m not looking for a hook up I want a relationship.
I generally shame men who brag about having sex with many girls the same way.
I find it’s often women shaming other women and men end up taking the blame. That’s just what I see in my circles.
Women aren’t sleeping with me not because they would be slut shamed for it, but simply because they’re not attracted to me. So regardles of how much they’re slut shamed, they’re still not going to sleep/go out with me.
Men aren’t a monolith just like women aren’t. Sure you’ll have some men that do say that and some that don’t, leave your echo chamber.
>Based on my experience, many men shame women who are sexually active and have many sex partners etc.
​
What is your experience? I honestly don’t hear this very often if ever. I do know some guys who wouldn’t want to marry a frequent-fucker & plenty of guys mad their girlfriend is fucking too many dudes…
But I can’t even recall one example of a guy being mad that a girl loves fucking. Every time I heard that judgement it was from a lady.
Next time you hear a guy complain ask them where the cut off is for too much fucking, then ask where the line is for a guy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are only assuming there is a double standard.
Guys drowning in pussy don’t take hoes seriously either, they just don’t tell them the truth as it may derail the gravy train.
Guys who aren’t getting any sex are resentful enough to tell women the truth.
For the same reason “fuck boys” or “man sluts” get shamed buy women relentlessly, it’s ether envy or bad past experience with that type of person. pretty cut dry concept tbh.
Not sure where you’re at, but almost all my guy friends are looking for relationships and complain there’s no good women available.
A lot of people just don’t take the time to critically examine their thoughts for consistency and are vainly forming their opinions based on their emotional needs in the moment.
> At the same time, many guys (even a huge percentage of the shamers) complain about the fact that they can not get hook ups and either have to stay alone or deal with women who want something more serious.
I’ll need a source that it’s “even a huge percentage of the shamers” and that they are just complaining about not being able to get hookups. I’ve seen a *ton* of posts from guys complaining about the quality of women that get attributed to “just wanting a hookup” when if you look closer, they’re specifically complaining about relationship attributes. Just because a guy says he wants sex doesn’t mean that he’s just looking for a hookup.
Hypocrites do exist, but I think you’re looking at a fairly starkly split venn diagram of men looking for women for relationships who are doing the shaming and complaining about the low relationship quality of women, and men who aren’t shaming women for being easy but are complaining about not being able to get laid.
I could care less if women want to hook up with a bunch of dudes but I won’t be having a serious relationship with them, but def not judging them. You do you
I’m thinking Crabs in a Bucket on this one.
There’s a double standard when it comes to how much is invested by a woman to make a baby, vs how much is required of a man to court a possible mother.
Men are still expected to adhere to traditional roles, while new roles for women are being actively expanded.
Imo, there’s an imbalance that women won’t acknowledge because it gives them a privilege they don’t want to give up.
Because having sex with lots of people is easy as a woman.
It’s much, much more difficult as a man.
The single ugliest woman on earth could walk into any club or bar and announce that “I’d like some dick tonight” and SOMEONE would fuck them.
Even an average man trying the same thing would never succeed. In fact most average men actively struggle to find sexual partners, even when taking more conventional approaches.
That said, male or female, an abnormally high bodycount is a red flag for many reasons, primarily because it indicates a plethora of other issues.
I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of those guys are looking for long term relationships instead of hook-ups
I Am in a stable monogamous relationship now, but I can understand some of this sentiment from my younger years. In my case, in college and a few years post-college I had a few female friends and female friends of friends who I would meet who were pretty open about how they were to varying degrees into hook up culture or willing to sleep with various guys they were interested in who they had only recently met. So as a guy who was probably honestly in the same place in life and more interested in hook ups, but was not getting anywhere near as much interest (I fully admit that I needed to work on a lot of self-improvements at the time but tbf to myself Rome wasn’t built in a day and I would need quite a few years to implement those improvements once I identified what I needed to do) it was quite frustrating to listen to what they were saying.
I think if guys let themselves get frustrated and start blaming others like I was before I managed to accomplish some self-improvement and then started seeing results, then they unfairly look at female promiscuity and see it as the only reason why they are not getting any interest. The line of reasoning is that if less women and more attractive dudes were hooking up with each other, then women would have to give other guys a chance. To be honest, I still think there is some truth to it, but no guys should be shaming women for sleeping with anyone else nor blaming it as the sole reason why they’re aren’t getting any or near the amount of sexual action.
It also does not get as much attention especially on Reddit probably because it isn’t as common, but I have known women who have gotten frustrated with guys they were interested in because they were flirting or sleeping with too many other women and not giving them a chance at dating for the purpose of starting a monogamous relationship, so it is not just guys who get annoyed with hook up culture. I think it’s just more likely that a guy will get left out in hook up culture because I think a lot of more attractive dudes are willing to sleep with less attractive women if it is only a hook up or FWB situation. I think women get more frustrated if they are only ever looking for a serious relationship or decide they later want to be more serious with someone later and then struggle to find that.
One of those friends of friends I knew from college who admitted to me that she slept with multiple frat dudes because she wanted to see what the fuss was all about with each of them, later matched with me on an app years later and we went on a date. She admitted on the date that she had struggled with dating post-college because she couldn’t find any guys that were willing to be serious with her. Without my struggling to get laid blinders on all these years later, I could see how that was a problem for considering she wasn’t actually that attractive or interesting and she was probably slowly finding that she was having to cast a wider net of less superficially attractive dudes to date. I ended up rejecting a second date because I had recently gone on a first date with my now-GF who I was connecting with more and honestly I couldn’t let a bit of the sourness left in me from getting passed over by her years ago go. I have no real will against her and I hope she has found someone good for her since, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel any karmic reward at the time for hearing about her struggles now she was trying to leave hook ups behind her and feel some satisfaction for getting the chance to reject her that time around
I think that’s somewhat true. I don’t think it’s true in every and all cases. I think shaming happens allot, but not for the same reasons for all men.
I hold women to the same standard I hold myself to. That means, if I go out, get drunk, and have sex with someone whose first name I can’t even remember, that was a bad thing to do, that was wrong, it was sexually and morally irresponsible, (I have done it) and I felt like shit afterwards, THATS A GOOD THING.
The next part of the issue with this past experience in particular, is she didn’t know my name either, and she also had a boyfriend. I was drunk at a party, her friend approached me and said she wanted to fuck me , so I said ok. That was all the information and introduction we had. We were having sex WELL within a 3 minute time frame starting from initial eye contact, and I’m being generous. It was probably less time than that.
I was at another party , meet a extremely cute girl, talk, have some definite chemistry, and ask her if I can grab her ass, she says yes, I go to grab it, she stops me “not in front of him” pointing to a guy who was chatting with some other people at the party. Yes, that was her boyfriend she was talking about, and she led me into the kitchen where I sampled the merchandise until I started feeling sick about how fucked up that was and left.
I had a tinder date, we hooked up directly after meeting at a bar, definitely got x rated in the driveway when she brought me back home, she showed up unannounced the next day a little tipsy but in control, and said she wanted to fuck. We do.
I thinking that it seems we really like each other and things are off to a great start. Then she starts playing games, trying to get involved with my roommates, etc. when she says “we can still be friends…right???” In a flirty way seeming to insinuate we can still have sex but she wants to fuck as many other men as humanly possible also. I replied “No, absolutely not, there’s no way we can be friends “
Her- “well I left my glasses at your place so I’m coming over later” (she somehow knew what bar my friends and I were at, and showed up)
Me “great, well, get my roommates number, ask him to let you in to get them, don’t call me”
That was the end of that, and fortunately I ended up moving out anyway a day or two later, thank god for that.
So, no….
I don’t think shaming a person for being a nymphomaniac and cheater is a bad thing. I don’t think it’s bad to shun people who do trashy gutter crap.
That said, I have also done trashy gutter whore kind of shit, and it’s not something anyone should be proud of.
Its deplorable, and wrong, and if the entire world was witness to these types of things, you wouldn’t be a proud male/female feminist, you’d just be a piece of shit.
There is a jealously factor. Only about 10% of men are able to successfully “engage” with this type of women that they are starving for. In an abstract way it is like the fox and the grapes fable. I can’t have them so they must be no good….
It’s *because* there are pelnty of sexually active women who are not giving it to THEM that they shame sexually active women. It’s anger at being rejected.
Bisexual here. It’s funny because I’m attracted to all manner of women, but have a very narrow subset of male body types I like, and prefer romance with women. It was harder to find guys I was into, but when I did and things clicked, we could maintain an arms-length relationship while engaging in great sex. Friends with benefits was just easier, and things rarely got complicated.
Women are ALWAYS more complicated. It didn’t matter how casual things might have started, things always got more involved after sex. There would be subtle differences in behavior, weird sexual Hangups, trigger words for past behavior, things that would suddenly turn her off. Almost by definition – and I say this as a man married to a woman – they are higher maintenance in every conceivable way. So in my mind, there’s always this heavier load they carry in their own minds that affects the way they present their sexual exploits, not only to themselves but to others. They need the stars to align to be in the mood for sex.
Guys don’t. I don’t even need to know you and I could want to have sex just by looking at you. When a guy and a girl get together, I think on average he looks at it in a purely carnal way while she has layers of meaning attached to her actions, and looks for meaning in what causes those reactions. Do I remind her of ex? Or the guy that she always had a crush on in high school? Her older brothers best friend? Her father? Any one of those reactions can cause her to react differently. I once took my shirt off and the girl I was with couldn’t handle it because I had the same chest hair pattern as her dad. Things got awkward and I left shortly thereafter.
On the other hand, I’ve met up with guys from Craigslist (aging myself here) where I don’t even think we were all that attracted to each other but we still at least got off. It’s a warm body that wants to suck my dick. I don’t necessarily want to suck his, but he sucked mine, so I’ll be polite and return the favor. We exchanged pleasantries and parted ways, poof, no hard feelings or weird emotions. And like I said, the few times I met a guy I really clicked with sexually, we could call each other any time of day or night even if we hadn’t spoken in weeks and have fantastic sex that night. Then not speak for a month and do it again.
Just my two cents. Sex is easier for men and women bring a lot of this pressure on themselves.
You’re looking for the logic in an emotional reaction.
The men who express that particular kind of hypocrisy tend to be the same ones who think women should live a life of domestic servitude
They make things infinitely harder for those of us who want to have some respectful intimacy
You shouldn’t shame someone for their sexual behavior. Let people live the lives they want. If you don’t like what someone does, just leave em be and find someone you like. It’s so simple. Why make it so difficult?
Because we men are stupid. Promiscuity, when one is not in a relationship, should be encouraged not shamed. If hook ups and 1 night strands are shamed and taboo, we men who want that, could never get laid.
Because they’re not the recipients of it! lol, pretty obvious.