The title makes me sound awful, but please, hear me out.
My bf (24m) and I (25f) met freshman year of college. We’ve been together for 6.5 years now, and moved across the country together. I consider him my best friend; we’ve adopted two dogs together, we spend almost all our free time together, our families have been more and more open about how badly they want us to get married. So I don’t say any of this lightly.
But, he has mental health issues. Anger issues; anxiety; depression; we think BPD (undiagnosed); OCD. I love him and I could live with all of it, if he was getting help. Yet in the last 4 years, during which he’s acknowledged that his behavior has occasionally been abhorrent and trended towards emotional and physical abuse, he has not gotten diagnosed or medicated for anything.
I’ve given ultimatums and deadlines by which he had to have an appointment or I’d leave; he’s promised during and after particularly bad outbursts that if he couldn’t make a regular psych appointment in a week, he would check himself into the hospital. But nothing came of it. Obviously that’s partially on me for not sticking to my guns with each ultimatum, but I really thought if he loved me, the threat of losing me would be enough to get him to get help. So dumb of me.
This week he got upset with something mundane (like a minor error on his computer, or that DoorDash messed up part of his order, etc) and it devolved into a breakdown where he got in my face and tried to goad me into hitting him, and eventually told me he would take himself out and take me with him. A little over a day ago, he threw things at/near me and said some very unkind words after another minor inconvenience set him off.
I told him I don’t feel safe anymore after all of it; he can either check himself into the hospital, or he can finally lose me forever. I’ve reached my limit and I’m going to move back home with my grandparents. He set up a virtual psych appointment for a few days from now, so he thinks that’s more than enough to prove himself to me and that my ultimatum is just a vindictive punishment because I want to ruin his life. But I really feel on edge and anxious around him; I don’t want him in the apartment (and if he’s here, I don’t want to be). I want him to check himself in.
He says I will be financially ruining him since it’ll be hard to pay rent on his own if I do indeed move out, and that I have nothing to be afraid of anymore (because he’s “calm now” and has a virtual appointment set up), so I would be dramatic to leave. But he refuses to check himself in. He would rather be financially ruined, and lose who he says is the love of his life, than check himself in somewhere. I’m at a loss.
Is this the ultimatum I stick to, do I just give up and walk away since he clearly doesn’t care enough to get the help he needs? Any advice is appreciated, thanks for reading this far.
TLDR; bf has not gotten treatment for mental health and refuses immediate psychiatric help despite knowing it will be the end of our relationship.
Edit 1: Thanks for all the comments, wow, I really appreciate the kind words and support. A lot of people have latched onto the comment he made about taking himself out/me with him, and how I could be so blasé about it; well, it’s not the first time he’s said it, so I guess it’s worn off the shock factor for me and I kinda stopped worrying about him following through after the third or fourth time. But thanks for the many comments pointing out it can only escalate, and that’s the end for me. I hadn’t thought of it like that, call me blind, but I am now.
38 comments
It is not your responsibility to take care of him. It has obviously become an unsafe situation for you to stay in. Please leave but please have someone come help you move out so you are not alone with him when he finds out.
Sent you a private message. Hope it helps.
He needs help and until he gets it he will continue to get worse. Maybe you should separate for awhile until he gets himself right.
>The title makes me sound awful, but please, hear me out.
No it doesn’t, and people need to start realizing this. Many are struggling with mental health issues right now, but in a weird way this isn’t as relevant as people think. Like all of us, you have the right to feel safe and loved in a relationship. If you don’t, you need to get out of it.
Yes, you’ve made some mistakes here, but all of them are along the lines of giving him too many chances or too many excuses. The only one who has suffered from this is you. You’re at big risk of becoming co-dependent on his issues, and your question proves this. He threatened to kill you and himself, and you’re still there questioning? Stop talking about what you “want” him to do. It doesn’t matter. Stop wondering if he has BPD. It doesn’t matter.
Get yourself and those dogs to safety, and then get some counseling. You need it badly, because it doesn’t sound like you have the strength to resist him right now. You want to fix this. Also, if you’re being truthful with your fam about all of this, and they still want the 2 of you to end up together, there’s something wrong with them.
Does he work?
He has a lot of mood issues. His abuse of you is particularly concerning and reason enough imo for you to leave him. For him:
I was anxious/depressed for decades followed by PTSD, eventually I got off meds and worked on self-help methods, These two tools were especially useful and may be helpful for you:
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**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.
​
** for ‘dark thoughts’**:
There’s a slow but sure way of erasing those thoughts. I taught it to myself after reading up on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
They’re there and **have become entrenched through repetition** which over time, will tend to worsen (greater frequency, stronger). The reverse though can be done consciously to squelch them and (eventually) fade them away completely.
Very simply put, you need to adopt an attitude of suppressing them the instant you recognize each and every one of these nasty thoughts starting to run through your brain. When you get to the point where you’re managing to stop that sentence or phrase at the very first word or two, you’ve made excellent progress.
Keep at it, and they just won’t even be managing that (but, you still need to not let them return and run free). Eventually even that residue won’t exist and you’re zero involvement (I suspect though, that our subconscious continues to deal with them).
He’s getting too comfortable in the relationship and just going off on you whenever he gets upset over anything.
He needs to know that will not be tolerated. Maybe a little vacay to your grandparents by yourself might help him get his head straight.
The minute he threatened himself and you was the moment things should be over. That’s not a threat a normal person makes.
The first ultimatum is the one you stick to, but yes, this one is just a good. But you have to stick to it. You can never go back. He will just think that he can go back to business as usual. He must lose you permanently.
I tell this to people because I learned through experience. Ultimatums don’t work. Consequences do.
You have threatened to leave him and he has bullied you into backing down over and over again. He knows that he can abuse you into staying no matter what he does.
He is now threatening to murder suicide you.
Consequences are immediate and honest. Consequences would have been, when he lashed out, you packed your bags and left.
If you had done this years ago, you could have leveraged coming back with “after several therapy appointments”
Today, you need to run for your life.
He has made a credible threat against your life. You should believe him 100%. You need to get out of there and not tell him where/when you are going.
u/ebbie45 has a lot of great resources for women in your situation. And I think there is an abuse victim’s thread with some great resources on this sub.
1/3 women don’t survive escaping their abusers. 100% who don’t try to escape their abusers die because of their abuse.
I hope that you can see the situation you are in and get out.
Edit: phrasing wasn’t right.
He literally told you he was going to murder you. Please leave *yesterday*. No one rational would see anything wrong with you leaving years ago. Please get out *before he kills you*.
Reading this makes me very worried for your safety. Please take his threats of violence seriously and get yourself and your animals into a safer situation, preferably far from him.
Nothing you own is more valuable than your life. Get your important documents, pack a bag and get on a plane.
You’re in an abusive relationship and now he assumes you’re not going anywhere since you made ultimatums and set deadlines and never left.
You are being abused. You are not safe. You need to leave immediately. Right now. Don’t wait til tomorrow. Leave right now. If you don’t think you can do it safely, then please contact a domestic violence shelter or hotline and get some help to get out
His mental health struggles, potential diagnosis, ultimatums, your families, etc., those things are not important.
*He threatened to kill you and then himself.*
Full stop, your life is in danger.
The relationship is over. There is nothing to salvage, and you aren’t responsible for him. You owe him nothing.
Your only job is to survive. You need to make an exit plan and get out.
Your next move is to gather your things and move out. You might offer to reconsider the situation in a couple weeks IF he goes through with his counseling appointment and commits to regular therapy. Or perhaps he’s had more than enough chances and you’re truly ready to be done with this relationship.
But you need to be out of there. Even if he does not really mean the angry/threatening things he’s saying, you still need to act as though he does. And actions have consequences.
“he told me he would take himself out and take me with him” over something on the level of a doordash error. he has literally threatened your life. you are not safe in this relationship. please leave him as quickly and quietly as you can, with no forwarding address.
women who are murdered are overwhelmingly killed by an intimate partner. there is no room to underestimate someone who would let those words come out of his mouth. even if a lot of his behavior stems from his mental health struggles, it doesn’t excuse the fact that his behavior toward you is abusive. don’t worry about how much your abuser suffers after you leave him. he could better himself and his situation if he chose to, but that’s up to him and is in no way your responsibility or your fault.
He has gotten physical with you before. He has gotten in your face. He has threatened to kill you.
Leave but do it on the sneaktip and make sure he doesn’t know your plans and hurt you.
You said your family loves him….guarantee you they wouldn’t if they knew the TRUTH.
LEAVE like other poster said, this is serious shit.
People leave everyday because their partner won’t help with housework. This is so much more serious!!!!
Get the F out and away from him!!!!!
You’re not in the wrong. He’s not doing anything to help himself and most importantly, your safety is in question. Get out now
“We’ve been together for 6.5 years now, and moved across the country together.”
“he has mental health issues. Anger issues; anxiety; depression; we think BPD (undiagnosed); OCD. I love him and I could live with all of it, if he was getting help.”
” in the last 4 years, during which he’s acknowledged that his behavior has occasionally been abhorrent and trended towards emotional and physical abuse, he has not gotten diagnosed or medicated for anything.”
First of all almost no one meets their ‘soulmate” at age 18/19 and spends the next 60-70 years living happily ever after. Rarely is a “first love” anyone’s *lasting love*.
Those early relationships are usually “practice relationships” that we learn from.
If you endured 4 years of emotional and physical abuse *the issue is with you not loving yourself enough* to have moved on long ago.
You can’t change your boyfriend. People don’t change unless *they* are unhappy
The moment you realize *someone is unable/unwilling to meet your needs* it’s time to move on.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to be with someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
The goal is to have a “soulmate” not a cellmate.
No one is “stuck” with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***”We don’t walk away to teach people lesson. We walk away because we finally learned ours.”*** -Unknown
***”Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”*** – Oscar Wilde
***”What you allow is what will continue.”*** – Unknown
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
As someone with BPD, your boyfriend’s behaviour is unacceptable and disgusting. It’s inexcusable. There is no saving this relationship, I’m sorry. You are in danger and you need to end this relationship. He threatened you with murder. Please tell your support system and ask them for help, lean on the people you trust, get the fuck out. All the therapy in the world will not make this okay. With BPD you cannot control how strong or awful emotions are but you can control how you act on them. Your boyfriend is making these decisions. He is choosing to threaten you. He is not interested in bettering himself. Please value yourself more than you currently are. Contact an abuse shelter and ask their help so you can get out safely. You can do this.
The fact that he threatened to kill you means he could be held in a hospital for at least 72 hours … while you move out.
If you want to do one last thing to help him check him in. Or tell the video visit therapist what he said,.. they are mandated to do something about threats like that.
So sorry this is happening to you !
>told me he would take himself out and take me with him.
He just stated he’d do a murder/suicide… Get the fuck away from him!
Mental health issues do not make non-abusive people abusive. It may make abusers behaviors worse, but it is not the source. Youre not safe with him. Stop trying to threaten him into treatment. That doesnt work. Ever. He has to do those things of his own free will and he needs to do them over an extended period (simply going to one appointment when he sees youre serious about leaving is not eneough). Even a slight change in behavior at this point is not enough. You deserve better.
>and eventually told me he would take himself out and take me with him.
Leave him now. Find a trusted friend or family member to stay with until you get your own place. Do not give him your info, and do not give anyone who’s in contact with him your info. Report this behaviour to the police and the landlord of your current apartment.
Remember this, a person changes if they want to change, you cannot form him to change. You told him to get help or you’ll leave, and he didn’t. He doesn’t want to change. And yes, it is okay to give up, in fact giving up can be the only or the best option.
Don’t ruin your own mental health because he refuses to get help for his.
The comments thus far have sufficiently addressed all the issues; especially that you need to take immediate and concrete steps to protect your personal safety. I’m genuinely scared for you.
Just adding confirmation from experience regarding partners not putting forth sufficient and timely effort to fix a relationship. Two questions to think about:
1. How quickly does he complete things he wants to do?
2. How quickly does he complete things he doesn’t want to do, but knows are important and must be done?
Now compare that with what you have asked him to do. If the timelines don’t match up, then he will never do this FOR YOU. He might one day do it FOR HIMSELF (which is actually the healthiest way), but who knows how long that could take. I waited 18 years for my partner to make needed changes to secure our relationship with no results. It’s a surprisingly easy thing to do. ‘Hope springs eternal’ or something like that.
He may love you, but not enough to fix this (and that is a problem).
And you love him, but not enough to endure this kind of treatment (and that is appropriate).
So rather than make a further time commitment, or worse, marriage, please carefully (and from a safe distance) consider how all this is likely to end.
Hi – first of all, I’m so incredibly sorry that you are experiencing this. I was married to a partner with untreated mental illness. It took an extreme toll on me, I was constantly exhausted and stressed. Physically I was unwell. Without going into too much detail, things hit an all time low and I had to make the very difficult decision to leave. I loved him immensely. I felt immense guilt in leaving him, but knew that I wanted a different life than the one I was living. It’s since been nearly ten years; I am with a partner who is stable and well who I love so much, and we have recently had our first child. We’ve bought a home and have two dogs and are happy in our careers. I don’t say this to brag, I promise – it’s just that when I was in my previous marriage, I felt like it was normal to wake up each day covered in hives and throwing up from anxiety. It’s actually not normal, as it turns out.
I would strongly recommend seeking some support for yourself. I went through a fairly major low after leaving, and looking back with older eyes, I wish I would have accessed more help in dealing with the trauma of having been through that relationship. Take good care.
***Get out of there.*** He threatened to kill you and himself. That’s textbook emotional abuse. This is your sign to leave now. This is the last of *many* clear as day signs that you’ve ignored. There’s nothing in this relationship to save. Stop waiting for it to get worse (aka bad enough to leave) and *go.* ***now.***
Please do not stay with someone who threatened murder-suicide.
This is a “The Gift of Fear” (book) situation. I’d suggest reading it or one of the other comparable books, but ever just the title: when he scares you, that is your brain trying so hard to survive. It’s a gift to have a healthy level of fear, because it will help you remove yourself from a situation that can kill you. Don’t try to talk yourself out of this fear.
He’s threatened and abused you. Why are you still with him? Losing a few years over this guy is so much better than losing your life. He needs help and you need to get out before something horrible happens,OP. Please heed our advice.
You have the nicest way of saying this man has multiple untreated mental illnesses and threated a murder suicide. If he has BPD, he’s likely manipulative. It’s not your job to treat, diagnose or change him. That’s all on him. Love isn’t supposed to be like this.
He just basically threatened ro harm you trust me get out this will get worse and next time he will lay a hand on you do not take him saying he’s gonna kill himself and you in the process next time you may not even be alive so pack your shit when he’s not around and get out
He’s mentally ill and also violent and unstable
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this OP, I know how heart broken you must be. It is hard to recognize the severity of your situation when you’re still in it, and I know you must love him deeply, but for your own safety you need to get out!!! ASAP!! I would suggest packing up your things (and the dogs) and leaving while he is out of the house (like at work or something) so he can’t physically try to stop you. If he truly has BPD he may lose his shit if you try to leave while he is at home. If you want to, you can leave him a long letter explaining why you left so he can feel some sort of closure. Don’t worry about how he’s going to pay the bills, don’t worry about how upset he will be, don’t worry about him. Worry about yourself and get out NOW.
BPD and OCD don’t make you threaten to kill someone. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to leave **safely**. Then cut all contact with him. It will be difficult because you have definitely formed a trauma bond. Good luck.
There’s mental health issues and then there’s being just a straight up abusive asshole. I think your bf sounds like an asshole who happens to have mental illnesses.
Also, he might only change when he’s good and ready or hits some sort of bottom. He will not change for you or anyone else. Something really has to “wake him up” drastically in order for him to want to do the very hard work to change. If you want to wait for that to happen – that is your choice. If you choose to stay for longer , try to emotionally disengage with him as best as you can. Protect yourself and your heart. Set boundaries. Read about codependency. Seize your own life again. obsessing about your partner’s mental health and behavior can drain you of all your energy and personality – trust me I know.
I really feel your pain as I’m questioning leaving a 12 year relationship with a “dry drunk” (he’s almost 6 years sober but won’t get therapy or go to AA). He takes out his anger and resentment on me and it’s gotten very slowly subtly worse and worse. I will set an ultimatum and he will follow through but then quit (like go to therapy but only for a month and then say therapy is bullshit). He will admit to treating me like shit and apologize profusely and yadadada … then just does it again a few months later. So I basically told him we aren’t together anymore – we are simply coparenting roommates since he’s in fact a great father (and moving is not an option right now). We have a kid together so it makes it a lot more complicated . If you don’t have a child with him – then that really simplifies things and you should get out before he wears you down even further.
People are complicated as hell. You have to really trust your gut on this. And please don’t feel guilty if you do leave him!!
I’ve suffered from depression anxiety PTSD throughout my life, and not once has that caused me to abuse someone. If anything, I‘ve tended to be extra empathetic and kind and even let people walk all over me because I’m so worried of being a “burden” or being resented.
Jeez kind of rambled on a bit. Anyway I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t easy at all – it’s heartbreaking. Please put yourself and your well-being first!
Get. Out. He is toxic and not taking responsibility for dealing with it. The consequences of that are both his fault and his problem. You need to take care of yourself, and it isn’t safe for you to remain with him.
Mental health issues are no a free pass to a abusive relationship.
If you BF doesn’t want to help himself, that’s his problem not yours. Don’t drown next to someone who will make those kinda threats.
I don’t want to be rude or anything but, get you shit and get the fuck out of that apartment. Omg go your asss back home to your grandparents. That man do not love you or care about you, if he did he would’ve gotten help a long ass time ago. You don’t not deserve to be treated like that.
ALSO PLEASE INFORM YOUR FAMILY, explain how he was abusive and let them know he is dangerous. So many people try to protect their abusers and it ends up bitting them in the ass. Please tell your family so they know he is not welcome around and allow them to also be safe.
I took college classes on women and crime. And we talk about this very thing. So many women and men ignore the threats until they are face with them. So many abuser have random decided to kill they family and self all it takes it one thought, one moment, one breakdown, one manic episode, for them to just go through with it.
You might love him, but love yourself more and get your ass out of that relationship. I’m not sure if he works but, while he gone pack and never look back. If he don’t call the cops and as for them to be there while you try to leave this will make sure you are safe. They can do this all you have to do is call and say your trying to leave an abusive relationship and is scared of what he might do while you try to leave can they send an officer.
You are important and your life is important do not chance you life for love. Love is not suppose to hurt lie that or at all. There is no such thing as struggle love. So please leave and stay safe.
My bf’s husband made the same types of threat, but she didn’t take it seriously. He ended up shooting her, and slitting his wrist. They both survived, but she lost part of her shoulder, and two of her fingers(she was able to push the shotgun away from her head). You need to put yourself first
He threatened your life, leave. But also, i see repeatedly a pattern with young women w young unhealthy men- especially if you got together young and have been together a long time- that you become mommy/game warden/target. It is so embedded in the relationship, that I genuinely and EMPHATICALLY do not believe the guy CAN change when the pattern has been set like this. YOU- and those other girls- need to LEAVE.