This is for people older and wiser than me :
Every boyfriend I (20F) have had I’ve gotten over in three days or less (this is a year long relationship, mind you). Another relationship was around 9 months, it took me 5 days. My exes have called me every name in the book – heartless, psychopath and it has me wondering if perhaps I am. It’s not that I don’t absolutely love them when I’m with them it’s just it doesn’t take me long to move on. However, I met my best friend when I was 14. I liked him quite a bit when we met and he liked me 4 years later when I had a boyfriend. We still had our best friend equation : he would be able to tell how I felt through a look in a mask, I would be able to tell how he felt when by the way he poured himself beers, we spent nearly every waking moment together. Then, when I was single, he began dating this girl that I couldn’t hate no matter how hard I tried. As cinematic as it sounds they broke up because she was deeply insecure about me and asked him to choose and he said he simply couldn’t. His words were ‘if it would make you and I happy, I could forgo a basic friendship but without her, I wouldn’t be happy so there’s no question of a happy relationship.’ I heard this from her and not him so I believe it. He was also annoyingly vague when I asked him why they broke up.
There was a brief moment when we were both single when things looked up but neither of us could make a move. We sat together in my room every night watching movies and eating food. I’m 20 now and I can honestly say I’m still not over him. I keep remembering this once incident a year ago when I bent under a table for something and he instinctively put his hand on my head so I didn’t bump it while he was doing something completely unrelated. I’ve replayed that moment in my mind over and over and I can honestly say I’m not over a guy I met when I was 14. People older than me, does this pass? Has anyone else experienced this? Am I absolutely pathetic?
4 comments
I’m only 5 years older than you.
I get over men quickly if I never genuinely liked them. It’s been about fours years since me and my first love broke up and I’m still not over him and don’t think I ever will be. But there are like 3 other guys that I had a relationship that took me about week-month to get over. Especially bc they did me wrong.
Maybe you didn’t really like the guys that you go over quickly? Your obvi not heartless because your still not over your bestie.
Sounds like you’ve had feelings for your guy best friend this whole time so I’m guessing in your mind you put him above your ex’s even when you dated those other guys
Some people are better at accepting endings. That doesn’t make someone callous. I actually think it’s a very measured behaviour. But with your friend, you’ve not even had a beginning yet. Talk it through. Even if it’s not the outcome you want, maybe it will be the finality you need to get back to just being friends.
There’s also the theory that women grieve relationships while they’re still in them. Whereas men process after. I don’t think that’s true across the board, but in my experience women know somethings not right much earlier so the end can seem like a relief rather than a heartbreak.
The relationships that never saw the light of day hurt far more than the ones that you saw through to the bitter end. There’s no greater pain than wasted potential of something great.
I was in a very similar situation as you. I’m only 3 years older, but I met this girl when I was 9. I’ve still never had the instant chemistry I had with this girl whenever I was around her. It was like we were made for each other. We shared mutual friends but went to different schools as teenagers. It was clear we both had feelings for each other, but there was always an excuse not to do something about it, even if that excuse was as lame as simply being too scared. Eventually we drifted apart when we were 18 and I didn’t see her for 4 years.
I spent a large chunk of those 4 years beating myself up for never making a move. I convinced myself that I had made the biggest error in the world. Then I saw her again, the first time in 4 years. I expected it to be just like before, but it wasn’t. The chemistry was gone. I tried to flirt, and not only was she not feeling it, it felt wrong to me as well. I met the guy she’s dating currently and saw what a deeply flawed person he was, and it knocked the blinders I had for her off my face. I no longer was hung up on the lost potential, instead I just knew “she’s not the one for me”.
Point is, I guess time and space will be your best friend. There’s always going to be a part of me that holds love for her, but now, I almost see her as a sister. We have a long history, saw each other grow up, and we’ll always be there for each other. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that while a special person in my life, her and I are not meant to be, and we’re better off as friends.