My wife has been different every since we had our daughter(almost 13 months)
My wife has put the daycare closer to her work due to my sporadic schedule restaurant gm) so it’s easier for her to pick her up and drop her off mon-fri. My wife works 45 mins away from home.
My wife has been overwhelmed with work and and the baby (I’m usually at work from 7:30-5:30,so my wife works 8-5 picks up my daughter before work and after I do pick her up if I’m off and my wife is working
My wife also usually puts her to bed at night and bathes her
The overwhelming feeling of being a mom and work is driving her crazy and she has been negative about everything even an attitude towards me constantly .
I’ve asked her what I can do to help and she says help me,but when I ask her what she needs help with she doesn’t tell me anything or says “nothing”
But when she explodes always says I don’t help her with anything.
Her work is going terrible right now but that’s the main source of her stress and she takes it out on me .
It’s starting to ruin my relationship with her as it’s always ruining my mood (I don’t stress out easily)
What should I do here?
“tl:dr”
Wife has been different since child and it’s ruining our relationship
11 comments
Couples therapy
It sounds like she wants you to help without having to ask you or explain everything that needs to be done. You know what needs to be done, right? So do more of it.
It’s possible that she has post-partum depression but you should also read [this](https://www.apost.com/en/blog/why-i-dont-help-my-wife/2629/) and [this](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). As a general manager, I’m sure you appreciate that people need to know what needs to be done and just do it rather than waiting to be asked or told what to do at each step. As a fellow adult in the home, it’s to be hoped that you [know the minimum, basic steps](https://www.wikihow.com/Maintain-a-Clean-Home) to keep a home clean.
The issue here is likely mental load and sharing the physical load.
You both work full time. So let’s remove that from
The equation. She has the baby closer to her work which makes sense.
She wants you to help without her asking – tells me she is carrying the mental load. My best example here is a BBQ. A family hosts a BBQ. The men stand sround the BBQ cooking the meat. They feel they made the BBQ. The wife .. cleaned the house; invited the guests; planned the menu; shopped; hosted; helped guests; made salad and sides; helped the children; cleaned the mess…
Husbands say I cooked dinner. But did you do all the mental load around that meal?
Who is doing laundry? Who packs the babies bag? Who does groceries?
If you wrote down all the things you do vs all the things she does… i think you will quickly see you come up short.
When were you last appreciative of this? When did you last hear her complain about how hard she is finding it and actively make it better ? Text her snd say.. im so sorry its so hard. I appreciate you working for us all. Ive got dinner tonight. I insist I clean it up. I insist you take a full night to yourself. Run a bath, watch TV… maybe a foot massage while she processes her tough day and vents.
You feel she changed.. but I think the problem here isnt that she changed, its that you haven’t.
You should help her more. And maybe help isn’t even the right word because it’s your child, home, etc. too. Sometimes one partner leaves it up to the other to know what needs to be done particularly when it comes to children. My husband often asked what to do and it’s like this my first kid too. I’m not more experienced than you. I’m just more inclined to figure it out, research and educate myself. So it’s possible that your wife feels like you’re not helping because you’re not learning what to do. If she has to do the legwork maybe it’s easier just to do it herself.
It’s difficult to be a mind reader. So don’t try. Instead be an action reader. Watch the things she does and the time frames that she does them and jump in and grab some tasks from her. She’s exhausted. She really isn’t trying to make you read her mind. She’s just too tired to explain the things she does. I have 5 kids (one set of twins) I know she’s tired. If you have any days off together, get up before the baby and take care of her quickly before she wakes up the wife. Or….take the baby out for a walk or ride in the car and tell the wife to use the time for herself. Or set up a surprise lunch out for her with one of her friends while you watch the baby. I have an almost endless supply of ideas……. Most of all, appreciate her. Don’t just tell her, show her. Rub her feet. Draw a bath for her. Cook her dinner, something she loves. Send her flowers on a random Tuesday. Bring home her favorite carry out on a day you know she’s been stressed at work. Give her a gift certificate to her favorite store with a note telling her how much she means to you and what a great mother she is to your daughter.
A little creativity and initiative and you’ll be golden.
Get the book Fair Play.
She’s crumbling under the mental load. She doesn’t want to have to tell you what to do, she wants you to do it. Nobody tells her what to do, she just does it. She doesn’t have the mental capacity to answer your question because she’s carrying so much of the mental load, and she’s likely frustrated that it’s being asked at all. Asking her to tell you what to do adds to her mental load.
Stop thinking about it as helping and think about how you can also participate in caring for your child.
Sometimes when people are overwhelmed with stress they can’t really articulate the exact thing they “need” help with. It could be overwhelming to just try to think which of the tasks would be most helpful. Share in all the things your capable of sharing. Take turns bathing baby and putting her to bed so your wife doesn’t feel she isn’t doing enough but still feels she is getting a bit of reprieve. Work with her.
Don’t play dumb. You know what needs to be done everyday. Nothing magically happens.
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