I would like to address this particular example. We were driving along and two teens were walking along the side of the road. One guy was overweight (I frequently see him walking these days) and the other wore a raccoon type mask around his eyes.
“Woah, who are those guys?” My husband asked. The mask threw me off too, he looked like he was out for a robbery yet we basically live in the middle of nowhere!
My 6 year old chimed in that they are on his bus. He said something about one of the guys being fat, and I can’t recall exactly what he said but it was one of those things that, I get it, kids will say. But it also didn’t NEED to be said either. You could call it superfluous, it was NOT said for identification purposes. He just said it because kids will be kids I guess.
BUT, language is important to me, so I asked him a question. I asked my six year old what the boy being fat had to do with anything. That’s when my husband quipped,
“Oh, don’t offend Mommy!”
And it irked me so much. He thinks I am so defensive, but I think we just have.. different levels of tolerance for language? I’m not sure what the solution is, but I sure feel belittled when he talks in that manner, yet he feels he has to speak out against me.
Another example was our six year old talking about a girl at school. We know the family and they’ve been through hell lately with the sudden death of the girls father. Not to mention that it was not her bio dad, shes adopted from northern Canada, was basically ripped from her family and culture, and my husband knows all this, yet when my son called this girl “bad” for slapping him some time ago (which I agree isn’t appropriate) my husband simply agreed, “that is bad.” He has made remarks about her ethnic origin before as though it explains her behaviour, without considering the trauma the girl has gone through. I find this appalling, and we’ve had lots of conversations but he has his convictions and I don’t think they’ll change.
Is this something I should live with? Any advice?
Tldr: I am in favour of using politically correct language and empathy in my parenting yet husband seems on a different page.
7 comments
I think this is less about “acceptable language” and more about your husband being the kind of man who makes racist comments about a 6 year old little girl. The kind of man who tells a six year old mockingly to “not offend mommy” because you’re trying to teach him not to be an asshole. I’m sure there were plenty of moments before you married and had children with him where he behaved like this and it “wasn’t a big deal” because you weren’t raising a child together. The person he is is not “politically correct” and it seems he’s going to mock you in front of your son if you try to be. Time to set some firm boundaries before you give up on your values out of sheer exhaustion.
Some phrases to try:
“Please don’t speak to me like that in front of our son.”
“Could I please have a private talk with you in the other room?”
“We need to talk about what values we want to instill in our son. Can you tell me about what kind of person you hope he becomes?”
Communicate to your partner and try to help him understand why this is important to you.
Men tend to be more dissagreeable and women tend to be more agreeable so it’s normal for you both to think differently.
Yes you are both at different levels of tolerance for language.
When he said “oh don’t offend mommy” I belive he was trying to back you up he said it because you were offended at your child’s statement. Men are much more blunt and straight forward when we talk.
Try having an open discussion with him, not to say which way of thinking is better but on how to handle your child without throwing different messages at your child.
Yeah, I don’t think language is the issue here as much as basic empathy and values. That’s why you were annoyed by the “don’t offend Mommy” comment, because you know he was using it to dismiss a real thing (a moment of empathy) so he didn’t have to think too hard and he could try to pretend there’s no deeper meaning behind what you were telling your son.
The man is 40 years old. He’s had a long time to learn how to do perspective – taking. At his age, if he still thinks it’s lame to teach your kid to give a damn about other people, it’s because it’s part of his value system to not give a damn about other people. Maybe I’m wrong and he’s not hopeless. But I would be prepared to face some hard facts about his personality. There’s a reason he’s doubled down on being racist despite your attempts to make him change his views. But, if you want to try to change things, I would follow the first commenter’s advice – time to have some talks about what you believe in and the kind of person you want to raise.
I’m so confused by this post.
What were you irked by? What were you appalled by?
The girl physically assaulted your son and you don’t think it’s appropriate to say that’s “bad”??????
In the name of “political correctness”? In what world is it politically correct to attack another human physically?
6 year olds call people fat. It’s what they do. “It didn’t NEED to be said” – 6 year olds don’t think like that. It is an identifying feature of the human. Fat/skinny tall/short. This is like, kindergarten stuff.
>He has made remarks about her ethnic origin before as though it explains her behaviour, without considering the trauma the girl has gone through. I find this appalling, and we’ve had lots of conversations but he has his convictions and I don’t think they’ll change.
Girl I am sorry but WHAT? His “convictions” are that he’s racist. What are you doing raising a child with a racist?
>I find this appalling, and we’ve had lots of conversations but he has his convictions and I don’t think they’ll change.
Did you know he was like this before you married him?
Separate incident yes. Comment in the past (to me) was basically, “she’s native” with a “what do you expect?” attitude. You wouldn’t believe it by this post but he is a well travelled, culturally sensitive man in many respects. But somehow thinks these comments are acceptable, somehow believes there’s no reason BEYOND the ethnic origin that could be a factor here.