So I (a male) made a friend(female) over tinder who I am not physically attracted to, or mentally in a “like like” way for that matter. Ive not said this explicitly at any point but when she has displayed attraction towards me (over a year, year and a half ago), saying she wanted to kiss me after a date once I told her “its too soon” when the reality was more of “its never gonna happen”. She is a good person and I appreciate her presence as a friend though.
Now the weekend rolled by and shes home alone, so she invites me to hang out with her and I agree (and even though Im dating another girl who Im getting just a little attached to but I didnt initiate a plan with her because of this girl), we go to a bar, there’s 2 pretty girls there sitting, somewhat alone, and I really wanted to talk to them but I was afraid about hurting her feelings by doing so so I didnt talk to them. Now to recap, I have shown no romantic feelings for this girl, and I believe my inclinations should be fairly obvious without mentioning them, and its been a while since she showed interest in me but she did seem to subtly ask me about my current status by asking about some girls she saw in my stories (but overall she may not even be attracted to me anymore), and I really enjoy being social with prettier, smart looking girls but believing I “shouldnt spoil her mood” for even a minute prevented me.
I worry Im being too nice and people-pleasing and feel that this is unhealthy. It also comes from the perspective that I have been rejected a lot and I dont want to put anybody else through that pain, although in reality the rejection is somewhat pre-determined and a harsh reality that Im being dishonest by masking with my niceness. As I type this I realize I couldve spoken to them for a few minutes and just asked for their number and gotten back to her but even that minute of interaction couldve made her feel bad, and thats also a lot easier said than done because I fear it harshly elucidates my lack of any interest in her. My need to appease people seems to outweigh my personal wants and desires, and that ain’t right.
I have also had similar moments of dishonesty with telling another girl Im not attracted to her by explicitly saying she “doesnt look too bad” when in reality I had a lot of negative thoughts. Being brutally honest is hard but has to be done. Can someone here teach me how to deal with this “niceness” thats holding me back from doing what I need to do for myself? I suppose the solution is to be honest but to choose words in the least hurtful way? I guess Ive come to believe matters of attraction are very controversial and any negative feedback is a space that requires light treading. I have probably misconstrued the notion that I need to spare others of pains that I have experienced, and I need the right advice to help me get through this
3 comments
The wall of text is hard to read, I would suggest breaking it up a bit so it’s just easier on the eyes.
Also I know you’re not meaning to be, but by being “nice” in the way you’re describing is actually being an asshole. Don’t waste her time or lead her on anymore. You can be open and honest without being a dick, find the right words and do it.
Why is the female friend preventing you from making solid plans with the girl you’re currently dating? You’re not even attracted nor do you see a future with the female friend lol. She probably already lost 90% of her hopes since you’ve never made a move. I also think you don’t like the current girl you’re dating that much, otherwise you wouldn’t have had the urge to talk to these pretty girls – I feel bad for that girl as well. You really need to work on being brash / assertive. If you don’t feel a spark with a girl from the start, cut it out right then and there or tell her explicitly I would like us to be friends if you enjoy her company.
It isn’t what you’re saying/not saying that’s the problem. It’s what you’re DOING.
You’re hanging out with this girl you’re not attracted to at the expense of your gf and other things you could be doing. It’s your actions that are confusing her, not your words.