Pre-pandemic we were living in a city, my husband had a VP position, I was advancing at my job, we had a group of friends, a nice house, and we were growing our family. We were really happy.
When covid happened, we both lost our jobs. My industry completely tanked during covid (event planner) and my husband’s company went under. We decided to move closer to family where the job market was better; we thought that having our kids grow up around family would be the same support as our friend group.
We are now living in a fairly rural area, in a nice house. My husband found a position that pays well, but has a much lower title than VP. I am a SAHM due to there being limited daycare options (the ones that are around here are *not* good). Our plan was for me to return back to work when the kids are both in preschool (2 years). This isn’t the life that either of us pictured. I get that and I’m trying to be empathetic with my husband but it is starting to get to a point where I am completely lost.
My husband’s ego got really hurt when everything happened. I understand why. He spent 9 years growing with his company and busting his ass and finally made it to a high postion, then 5 months later it was gone. Job hunting was hard for him. He was either overqualified or the similar positions wanted him to have a MBA and not a Master’s in science field. The cost of living here is higher, so we can’t afford to live in the metro here. Overall, I get it.
Since this all happened though, my husband has turned into a person I don’t even recognize. He’s bitter, always complaining, quick to angry, he stopped all of his hobbies, and makes passive aggressive comments. He yells at our two dogs so much that they now go hide when they hear his car come home from work. Now he’s taken up drinking every night to the point where he passes out on the couch. We don’t have sex anymore and he isn’t affectionate at all. He has made so many comments about how “his dreams are dead.”
The weirdest part is when we are around family or his coworkers, he is back to his normal self. Jokes around, laughs, talks about how much he likes his job, his family…then as soon as we shut the car door. He disengages and plays on his phone. He is always playing online games on his phone.
I know he’s depressed, but he will not get help. We did start marriage counseling (virtually) but the counselor is so booked up that we can only go once a month. I’ve tried looking for other counselors but they all have longer wait times. Apparently we aren’t the only ones with issues.
In the meantime I don’t know how to act around him. Lately he has been making comments about me not working, when I tell him that I can, he gets mad at me and says it will be a wash (having two kids in daycare is as much as my salary in the metro area that I would be working in). He complains about the dogs, so I tried to find a new family for them. He got pissed off at me and said we can’t do that because our kids are attached. He complains about not having time to himself, and when I mentioned that there is a gym close to work or to go on a run (he used to run marathons), he says that there is no way that it could possibly work. I keep trying to schedule date nights but he refuses to tell me his work schedule because he “knows” that my family will bail on the last second (to be fair, they do this a lot) but it is still worth trying. He is critical of weird stuff…like how I fold towels or what time of day I do the dishes. I’ve actuallly brought up seperating and he just gets completely pissed off and tells me not to mention it because it’s going to hurt our relationship further. So now I’ve just been leaving him alone. I basically ask him how his day at work went and nothing more.
I am so lost on what to do. We were so happy for 8 years; it is like I woke up to a different reality. Any advice on what to say to him? I am trying to figure out a way to tell him that I miss him, like the way he used to be, without it sounding like critism. He really isn’t like this or he wasn’t.
5 comments
I’m not sure how religion you are but I would suggest praying for the words to speak to him before talking to him. One question I would ask him is, is there anything I can do better or to help you? Is there anything that you would like to do different? Also, even if it sounds critical tell him how you feel. Be honest and let the tears flow if they come. He needs to see and hear your hurt too. Ask him to be honest about how he feels. Allow him to be honest with you as well. Communication with each other is key. Also, let him know that you understand that life changed drastically and it happened to you too. Work to find common ground and agree to tackle the issues together if you haven’t already done any of these things.
I wonder if all those years you were seeing the version on him without having to deal with adversity, disappointment, where he’d need resilience. I wonder if you are seeing the real him when things are a struggle. I’ve always thought you learn a lot about people when things go sideways. That’s when you find out who your friends are, how much your family will be an asset, and how strong your marriage is.
For me, my husband can be an ass and he does complain a lot about small stuff, but that’s how he is when things are fine. The difference is when things go sideways he is his best self. So, I can trust him in crisis; he will rise. When things go back to being good I’ll have to deal with his opinion on how to load the dishwasher or park the car.
I don’t have advice for you per se, but I do think his behavior goes way beyond acceptable. His pets fear him. I bet his kids will too if they don’t already. Also, he’s two faced and fake around others. It’s not like he’s a bit of an ass to everyone in all situations… only to you and your household. Can you live with this? How is he impacting your children?
So obviously he’s depressed and disappointed and it makes perfect sense he pushes himself out of it in front of other people, he’s putting on a mask. That said, if you’re up to it, get a job, even if it’s a wash, beyond that you two need to sit down and talk and develop a five year plan of where you want to be and work backward on steps to get there. You want to move to a new city, what does that take? Is your husband applying to new jobs? Usually contacts from his previous employment? Are you?
I agree that it’s time to go back to work even if you are just working to pay for daycare. Your husband’s lack of resources to deal with this setback means that you can’t afford to leave your life and your children’s lives in his hands. You’ll have to be prepared to step up and be the sole support for yourself and your kids.
We all went through a collective trauma with Covid. What your husband is experiencing is the effects of untreated trauma and the intense grief of loss. Loss of jobs can be just as devastating as loss of loved ones.
Therapy would be helpful but if you can’t access a therapist, there are lots of good therapy podcasts and YouTube channels you both could use to support each other in healing.