This is something I started to notice much later on in life. For a long time I supressed her death completely, and just ignored it ever happening. I used a bunch of different techniques, like referring to her as an ex, or using alcohol. Lately I’ve been sober and trying to do all my healing without the use of alcohol.
What I can’t figure out is why my brain has decided to become so eratic when it comes to its emotions, but only years later. I have this person I’m seeing, and my brains logic center can clearly see this person is good for me, but my brain still equates having to witness someone die again, and having to tell the parents. This has caused wild and uncontrollable and internalized mood swings permeating my brain. My brain will just get incredibly sad and be on the verge of tears, and the next 30 minutes it will be super happy and back to normal.
It honestly feels like my brain has completely “lost” it’s emotional regulation mechanism, but I still want to know why it didn’t do this before. Why did it only start now, and now when my wife died? for now most of the mood swings are completely internalized, so no one knows what my brain does at any given time. However, even this is getting harder to hide because my brain’s coping mechanism seems to be getting increasingly more obvious to the people around me.
tldr: My brains is processing grief like I have BPD, not sure why the symptoms are delayed by years though
4 comments
Unfortunately, you can suppress for many, many years. It will surface eventually and you have to face it. Professional help can help you navigate quickly if you’re honest and upfront
Friend, it sounds like you haven’t fully healed yet.
Having spent so long hiding from the brutal reality with booze and such just pushes back the same result.
Stay sober and face it head on. Reach out to friends and support groups to help as they have all experienced similar and possibly worse.
Be well.
Did you ever truly grieve for your loss? Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but sometimes the healing process is not always linear.
I wish you all the best.
Look, Im not a counselor or a grief/trauma specialist, but would your be willing to say a little more about the events of your wife’s death?
If you’re not comfortable speaking about it yet, that’s fine. It still sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pain and vulnerability.