So, I’m 25 years old and have never been on a date. For my entire life I couldn’t figure out why so many women rejected me, and assumed I was just ugly and would get a response “you are far from ugly, I don’t understand how you can’t find a relationship” It turns out I’ve been doing it all wrong.
I originally thought dating was a serious step and didn’t want to make a move too fast. Taking someone out on a date, or asking them out on a date was not something you did until you realized you both love each other. I’m naturally an introvert so this made sense.
Me confessing my feelings towards other women always creeped them the hell out, to the point of being repulsed by me. I couldn’t understand.
It turns out it’s the opposite. Asking someone out on a date doesn’t mean you love them. You ask people out on a date to find out if you like each other. It turns out that this should be the first step, before you establish a connection.
On my last crush in college (close friends for 4 months), I made a serious mistake of never asking her out on a date, but on Valentine’s Day giving her a box of chocolates with a letter telling her that I loved her. She just about reported me for harassment. I now understand why.
I never thought it was appropriate to ask someone out on a date until you were much more serious. I thought that was something you did after you established a relationship. It turns out going on a date is a lot less serious than I thought, and does not mean that you are in a relationship. It does not even mean you are exclusive.
So I was completely wrong the entire time. It turns out I was not being rejected by women. I’ve never asked a woman out on a date, so how can I know I am being rejected? I never tried.
So that was the biggest mistake I made, and I finally figured it out in my mid 20s. As a man if you have a crush on a woman and you are friendly towards them, the first thing you should do is ask her out on a date. Make your intentions clear. In fact, women will get upset if you don’t and take that as rejection, only see you as a friend, and move on. It’s really not as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be.
Just say, “Hey, let’s go out on a date” or “Hey, let’s go and do this, it’ll be fun”.
I mean heck, that’s what online dating is. It’s really no different in person.
People make a big deal out of dating with scary words like “rejection”, “asking out”. It’s literally just two friends hanging out and getting to know each other and see if any chemistry sparks. The worst that can happen is she says, “no”. OMG.
I never understood this. Been doing it wrong for 25 years. Oh well. Live and learn.
EDIT 3/11/22
… In hindsight. I’m really amazed this post has made such an impact. I had no idea it would. Just a revelation I had believing women reject me after I just lost another chance. In reality no woman has ever rejected me, because I’ve never even asked a girl out. It was all in my head and failed to understand the concept of dating. Many woman would have probably said yes to a date had I just asked them. I never thought it was possible.
36 comments
i appreciate this sentiment. i also thought going on a date was a v serious thing and thought even the girls that i was *with* wouldnt want to go on a ‘real date’ with me. which made it look like i put in little effort or was rejecting them when in reality i just didnt think they liked me enough for a date
😅… live and learn.
You’re not alone. I always thought dating was a very big step towards a relationship, but modern times seem to indicate it is no different than giving a used car a test drive to see if it is adequately functional
OP looks like you have been confused between feeling atracted to a person and really being in love. Dating is for knowing the other person and have a good time, take the time to know each other, to share your views of the world, your dreams and hopes while having fun.
You can’t give your hearth to a stranger, first date and then let things go with the flow to be serious. Looks like you are on the right track now.
I’m going to save this post to pound this on my head.
Well done on recognising this!
Do hang out with women just to have fun and test the water. Be friends with them. Relax. The right people will be there for you and want you in their lives for who you are.
All the best luck, OP.
This should go in r/Lifeprotips
You definitely offered a new perspective, holy cow!
Thanks for posting this! I genuinely never thought about this and I’ve always had trouble asking girls out on dates because I think its a big deal, but its really not that big of a deal.
>Asking someone out on a date doesn’t mean you like them.
Actually, it does. It means you like them at least well enough to try to get to know them better and see if there’s anything more there.
If you didn’t like them at all, you wouldn’t take that first step. Who want to spend their free time around people they don’t like?
I’m glad you were able to figure this out. There are many people who are in a similar situation as yourself. Most people aren’t taught about how to form and develop romantic or sexual relationships, so the conclusions that people draw will be likely to miss the mark.
for the box of chocolates thing if you said “do you wanna be my valentine” or something like that that would have been a tiny bit more romantic, someone you dont know saying “they love you” is quite creepy yeah
I have a girlfriend now and we were friends before dating but this explains a lot to me too. I always thought dating was a serious step after confessing you liked someone and as a young adult this post resonated with me. My freshmen year there was this girl I really liked and I thought that spending as much time with her would be a great way to get to know her and would be a great way for her to get to know me. I was very wrong and ended up creeping her out and she also liked someone else at the time. I was very crushed and since then would always try putting an appropriate amount of space between a person I liked and myself so that I wasn’t too much for them all at once and didn’t appear the same way. This makes so much more sense. Better to learn sooner rather than later.
Holy shit Brother
I am glad you realized it. And if you are feeling you are late or you missed opportunities in your 20’s, you have time. I am 28. And i haven’t been on a date myself(officially i hung out with girls who were my friends).
And most importantly on a date, don’t focus on trying to impressing her, focus on enjoying date for you. Be curious to know more about her. And share bit about you. If it doesn’t work, like date doesn’t like you, wish her luck and move on.
Movies and tv and music can sometimes influence us think things are a bigger deal than they need to be.
I think you should also keep in mind to use a word “date”. Do not ask women to “hang out”, let yourself show her that you are interested in her romantically by simply asking if she’d like to go get dinner. Effort and clear intentions from the start are attractive and also women at your age will think that you just want to hook up if you will try to keep it small and casual.
Better late than never, man. Good luck out there, hope you meet someone sincere and kind.
And if you are so inclined, sometimes those dates just turn out with you realizing you just found another amazing friend. One of my best friends is a guy who I went on a few dates with, and we both kind of lost interest in the dating stuff but we absolutely love going out for long coffee “dates”. (Pre covid, he’s in healthcare.) We’re both married now, still get along great, and I told him we are going to live in condos across the street from each other and watch each other’s cats when we go on vacation. Friend zone isn’t a bad place to be.
I just asked a girl out on a date yesterday. We had been hanging out a couple times recently at her place and we’re just hanging having fun. I had fun. I thought she was sending me signals maybe she was interested so I just did this yesterday asked her out on a date. & she said she just wanted to hang out. I’m 27.
I’ve never had a gf and this isn’t the first time I’ve asked out a girl , but I took it prettty hard. I tend to be harsh on myself and it’s taken a lot outta me to not tell call myself a loser and regret asking her. It was probably too soon. But I agree w/your post and am happy for you. I genuinely get scared sometimes when it comes to girls, this last girl I didn’t have that, she was fun. I was enjoying myself and that’s what it’s about. I shouldn’t regret asking her out but I do. Idk why. I just hope she still talks to me. I think she will she doesn’t seem like the type to change bc of something like this. I hope the best for you man. You seem like a really good guy
I can understand how people can think like this especially if you come from a small town or conservative background where things are kind of ‘arranged’ for you or you are expected to settle down young. Well done to you for working it out! Achievement unlocked!
“Shall we get coffee?”
“I don’t even know you.”
“We’ve literally just been talking outside the gym for over 3 hours for the third time this week.”
Well, I’m glad this discovery was a groundbreaking game changer for you at least.
Dude thanks for an eye opener
your recognition, sentiment, and accountability shows your genuine motivation to change. good for you and thanks for not being an r/niceguy
OP, I gotta say that it’s really awesome that you were able to self reflect and consider that maybe it was your approach and not boil it down to “all women are bitches” like a lot of people do. Good luck out there, I hope you find someone special.
Holy crap, thanks for posting this. I’m a woman and I never looked at dating this way, I’ve definitely been taking it too seriously from an emotional standpoint. Like I would have to crush on someone way too hard to ask them out, and when they’d say no I’d get my own feelings hurt. And when guys have asked me out in the past, I would think “oh they must really like me!” I’d be overwhelmed and say no. Nobody really teaches you these things, and I’m terrible at social cues. I’m a hermit at the moment, so I’m not getting any dates anytime soon, but when I do “get back out there,” I’ll remember your words! Congrats on figuring it out yourself, it’s brave of you to talk about!
My cousin was worse than you… he once asked this receptionist out on a date and she said yes. Halfway between the time that he asked and the time that was agreed upon for the date he convinced himself to ask her to marry him.
…Suffice it to say he didn’t end up going on that date.
“On my last crush in college, I made a serious mistake of never asking her out on a date, but on Valentine’s Day giving her a box of chocolates with a letter telling her that I loved her. She just about reported me for harassment.”
I spit up my coffee laughing. I’m sorry my boy.
Friendly but not friends is a good stage to be at to ask someone out. They know you enough to have vibe checked you, but neither of you is deeply invested in an unbalanced way that will make the other uncomfortable.
What this looks like is you’ve chatted a few times and know you can talk comfortably, but you’re not head over heels in love.
For real dude. They should teach social skills in school.
It’s so important and no one is teaching you that shit.
Honestly, I know there’s a lot of comment, don’t know if you’ll see this. But I just want to say: I am so happy for you!! Learning this lesson is an amazing thing and your positive attitude and readiness to approach things differently is amazing!
Best of luck, and congrats! Seriously a lot of people never realize this, or when they do – they’re bitter and ready to give up. This brought a big smile to my face. Thank you for sharing.
That sounds like demisexuality to me! I’m female and I’m kinda the same way – I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with. It feels like a waste of time, you know?
This is because dating in high school vs dating after high school are two entirely separate methods with entirely separate rules. Only no one tells you this.
You just blew my mind.
🙂
I shall now adjust my game accordingly.
Oof that’s a tough one. Yeah. Also as you date more you will realize, you have no idea who most of these people are until you’re truly intimate with them. When you are both vulnerable, share your dislikes and angers, all the negatives with the positives.
That takes time and a deeper relationship than most friendships and I’d argue all acquaintances.
OP my issue was I thought we had to be super serious after a few dates. You don’t. It’s a spectrum and progression. Also be mindful of infatuation, if you can’t be yourself or if you can’t see any real negatives in them, you are infatuated which means you are blinded to them. You can’t truly love until you are past the infatuation and know the whole person, good and bad.
At least imo.
But yeah slow it down, don’t overwhelm them with pressure, give them some space to come up to your level. Try and get on the same page. And the best way to do that is to match their energy, maybe +1 periodically to see if they want to match yours up a level.
I blame movies on this, not your social skills.
Happy for you! A little insight from my own perspective: open communication AS your feelings happen, and go with the flow. I used to have a serious issue with bottling resentment. Opening up to my boyfriend as SOON as I felt a shift in anything: our relationship, our sex life, our past, present, and future: helps IMMENSELY. This takes the pressure off almost everywhere in your life and helps you learn to communicate better. If you have strong feelings for someone? Tell them. If you don’t? Tell them. If you’re not sure? Tell them. Helps you “weed out” people faster, for lack of a better term; and helps 2 people learn about each other a lot better. You’ll also learn HOW to tell people things in a better way