I’ll preface this by saying I am going to try to be as unbiased in describing the scenario but am sure I will be slightly biased in my description.
Lately I’ve been teaching my girlfriend to drive. She is pretty good, sometimes her driving is concerning/a bit scary but it is generally good especially for a new driver. We’ve had a few rocky times but things between us have been great lately and I often think about marriage and the future with her.
Earlier today, she was driving and I was helping her with directions, how to navigate turns, the correct point to stop etc. I try to use a calm but assertive tone especially when the actions she is taking are leading to a potentially dangerous scenario for us and others. At a certain point, we ended up in a situation where I needed to take the wheel, reverse and readjust in a left turn lane to avoid hitting a curb. At this point I was giving stern commands to her when to brake as I was shifting between drive and reverse and turning the wheel to get us in a safe position.
We got back home to eat lunch and she seemed cold and was ignoring me. I asked what was going on and she said she didn’t want me to teach to her drive anymore because I was yelling at her when she was driving. Its possible I raised my voice because I was stressed by the situation and trying to get her to follow my directions but I did not yell at her.
She continued that she would pay for a driving school (probably about $2000 without the amount of hours of instruction she’ll need which isn’t a small amount to us). I said she has been improving a lot just in the past few days and that she can learn from me without spending the money. At this point she shut down and said she didn’t want to talk about it and started ignoring me. I was annoyed so I left the table and went to eat by myself.
About a half hour later she came and told me she called a friend who would take her home. I half expected this because she has done this twice before. I asked why and she said she didn’t want to be here(my house). She collected all of her things (she has been staying over at my house for a a few weeks) and left. She left anything I had got for her, a few amazon orders, a water bottle and some other things and told me to return the amazon packages. It seems like she wants to break up but she hasn’t actually said it.
I asked her to please message me when she got home and she hasn’t replied to me for several hours.
I’m hoping for some input on whether I’ve done something wrong here, my girlfriend has or some combination of the two.
Thanks all
TLDR
While teaching my girlfriend to drive I raised my voice when giving her directions in a dangerous scenario.
I tried to discuss this with her while eating lunch but she shutdown and started ignoring me so I went to eat by myself.
She packed up all of her things, called a friend to pick her up and has been ignoring me since.
12 comments
I mean… you do talk about teaching her how to drive the way people talk about training dogs.
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Sometimes your partner is not the right person to teach you new high stakes things. Especially if you are incompatible that way. You think you were stressed out? Imagine doing something brand new while your partner barks orders at you and literally takes the wheel out of your hands.
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t want my turns and stops to be micromanaged either. I’ve taught two kids how to drive (including manual) and not once have I had to take the wheel from them, not once did I have to adjust their turning or stopping. Either she is the extreme worst driver on the planet or you over manage her and want her to drive exactly like you. Instead of giving her tips and support, you’re making her feel stupid and awful about herself.
Either her driving is so bad that she should be paying the $2000 for lessons from an instructor (not you) or she just needs someone else to help her (not you).
What you did wrong was pushing her when she told you she was going to pay for driving lessons. It was nice for you to try o teach her. But the experience showed you were the wrong teacher for her. You should have accepted that gracefully. But you pushed her boundary.
I’ve had serious problems learning things when I had a teacher who did not teach how I learn. Some topics I was able to learn well, when I got a new teacher. Some I never managed to get somebody to teach me. But having a teacher who is a bad fit for me really set me back. My father didn’t teach to how I learn, and was actively harmful to my attempts to learn most subjects. On the other hand, he was a great fit for two of my siblings – and a terrible fit for another of my siblings. So, I stopped trying to have him teach me things, which was the perfect solution.
So, you probably were fine, until you didn’t accept her no. Learn from that, and in the future take a no seriously.
That’s tough – it’s understandable you don’t want the two of you getting into an accident, but I can see it from her perspective.
Raising your voice and being assertive with her shouldn’t be necessary, she’s an adult and can follow your directions without you raising your voice. Remember this would be extremely stressful to her already, so would be quite upsetting/only add to the stress.
Don’t think she will break up with you, but probably just need some distance.
This is why instructors should always teach prospective students. When partners, family or even friends help with training it can cause strain, stress and potentially arguments. Even when everyone involved thinks it’s a good idea, it isn’t. You only pick up their methods and habits from them.
Just text her “Contact me when you’re free and ready to. Let’s talk and fix this. Take care.” After that don’t text or contact her. Let her come to you. She clearly needs space after feeling totally overwhelmed.
You are not a good teacher.
>I was yelling at her when she was driving
That a dangerous thing to do. Stress causes accidents. If you took your gf some place she couldn’t manage by herself, then that’s also on you. She wasn’t prepared for the situation if you had to yell and grab the wheel.
When teaching someone to drive you do not mix directions, navigation, rules of the road and the mechanic of a vehicle at the same time.
Yeah, you seem devoid of introspection. I suspect your girlfriend will break up with you sooj.
I think she needs instruction from a professional to depersonalize the lessons. If a driving instructor raises their voice, you don’t pout about it. You sit up and take notice. I think she’s overreacting by leaving and ignoring you.
Honestly, this is the 3rd time she’s walked out, so maybe it’s okay if this relationship doesn’t progress any further.
Learning to drive is stressful. I had really bad driving anxiety when I was first learning and if the person teaching me raised their voice or seemed aggressive it would cause a panic attack. It’s hard to feel safe around someone after they’ve caused you a panic attack. Try asking your girlfriend what you did wrong, listen without arguing, and ask how you can fix it.
As someone who tried teaching my ex wife how to drive. Pay for the school. A teacher telling her to do something and possibly getting a bit “excited” in the moment of something being done wrong, is a taken a lot better than a boyfriend or husband doing it. Pay for the school.
A bit of a different opinion from other people.
I’m relationships, my biggest pet peeve is being patronised. It could be that your partner feels patronised by you whilst teaching her to drive. You could be doing an excellent job, but that situation where you are treating her as incompetent (either consciously or subconsciously), will always make her feel stupid.
If that’s the case, it just won’t work with you teaching her and you should let her get the lessons because it shows that you understand sometimes she needs to not be told what to do by you.
And it’s neither of your faults, it’s just the way it is sometimes.
Of I were you I’d just apologise for making her feel small and incompetent in that situation (even if she was being stupid and stressing you out) to preserve your relationship. Just be the bigger man, apologise and let her buy lessons.
Edit: just to add to this, if you might not think of it as a big deal. The feeling of being patronised can create massive rifts in relationships due to the difference in power dynamics it creates. It places her in a position where she feels less than you.
My parents both wanted so share in the experience of teaching me and my siblings to drive. I, along with all my siblings, opted to learn with our father. My mother would be visibly stressed, shotgun-seat driving, exasperated, etc. My father took everything in stride. He was calm and gave direction as needed, letting us make mistakes without panicking.
Learning to drive can be stressful. Your girlfriend needs to be comfortable and not feel judged or as if she has to perform in a certain way. Also, people have different styles of driving. You are teaching her your way of driving and not giving her the freedom to make her own honest mistakes. If you can’t be cool, calm and supportive, you should not be teaching her.