Why do men think that women who has a kid is a red flag? Like is it my fault that my ex cheated on me and left and Im actually happy i never married him? Shouldnt men acknowledge the fact that we single moms are emotionally strong for raising a child on our own?? I feel like I’ll always be single for the rest of my life.. Im 27 F for context. And no, the father is NOT in the picture. and doesnt give any financial support at all. I mean, tbh, that’s a green flag for me! you know we are mentally and emotionally strong with good financial habits??
edit: changed title from men to people because of title rules
25 comments
I would never consider it a red flag, but as a 23M, I would feel a level of obligation to any child that my partner has, and that’s simply not an obligation I am interested in at this point in my life. I’m sure many guys who call it a “red flag” or write you off as a potential partner are simply doing it for the same reason, they aren’t ready or interested in that sort of obligation.
It doesn’t have to be. If I was a bit older I actually wouldn’t mind at all. Personally I’d rather date a partner who already had a kid than have my own (if that makes sense). I just think I’m a bit young now to be a parent. Maybe people are concerned about the ex’s involvement with the kid? And kids are a big responsibility. But I know plenty of guys that don’t mind at all because they love their partners and treat their partner’s kids as if the child was their own biologically. There are all kinds of people in this world, the challenge is finding the right ones.
There’s a lot to unpack here:
* people don’t want to have (be in close proximity to) kids before they’re married, and even a few years into marriage
* people don’t want to deal with the baby daddy being in the picture
* people don’t want to deal with a date being interrupted because the kid has an emergency you need to tend to
* this one’s a big one: people don’t want to get attached to the kid and have their own feelings hurt if the relationship with mommy doesn’t work out. They don’t want to miss a kid that isn’t theirs.
* likewise: they don’t want to hurt the innocent feelings of a child if they break up with mommy after 6 months
* they don’t want to plan around the kid’s schedule. Can’t just whisk mommy away for a romantic weekend getaway without the kid coming along too.
Nothing wrong with people not wanting kids in their life, even when it’s just through close proximity of the woman they’re dating.
I don’t have kids. I’m 45 .
I date women with children
And women without.
It’s not a red flag for me and often times the intimacy is better with moms.
They’ve devoted their lives to the success and well-being of their children.
I respect the hell outta that.
Because their lives are often so demanding, they seem to appreciate intimacy and alone time with lovers far more.
Solo mom (34F) here as well having the same struggles. I just keep telling myself that the right one won’t be scared off by it.
I don’t think single dads see single motherhood as a red flag. YMMV though.
I’ll use my most recent relationship as an example why guys avoid the situation.
I dated a single mom for the last 3 years. Her daughter I have raised since she was about 2 months old. Now she is 3 and calls me dad.
3 months ago my now ex decided life is boring…ditched her kid on her mother, and moved away.
Now I am in emotional limbo. Her mother and her baby loves me and wants me to still be “daddy”, as where common sense tells me to move on. I can’t be financially and emotionally responsible, but legally irrelevant.
It’s fucking heartbreaking.
I wouldn’t rule out completely dating a woman with a child, but I can’t pretend like there’s no issue. I’ve dated a girl who had kids and her ex was a fucking nightmare who still had a huge hold over her life, with the kids as his weapon. She also quite regularly had to cancel dates if one of the kids got sick, and she was never able to stay over.
I feel like men get slated for this, but many women wouldn’t date a guy who still lived with his parents, which in reality is (in most situations) going to come with less issues that being a single parent, especially if the other parent is uncooperative, which is quite often the case.
why will i take care of someone else’s kid?
and i’m not your top priority but you’re my top priority. Shit is not fair
Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a red flag. Just a lot of people don’t want to raise someone else’s kid. I’m a woman, but I have an absolute deal breaker that I don’t want to date someone with kids still at home. I’ve been an empty nester for 12 years and i don’t want to raise anymore kids, so I won’t date someone with kids. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with them as a person. It’s not that I don’t like kids or anything. I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want the responsibility, or the time commitment, or the financial obligation. That’s my right. Same with men. It’s their right to choose not to date a woman with a child. Surely you have deal breakers yourself, and that’s your right to choose what you want in your life and what you don’t.
For two reasons:
1. We think that the woman did something wrong to not keep the father in the relationship, even if that means making a bad choice.
2. You also instantly commit to becoming a father-figure by dating a mum. It is a huge responsibility and sacrifice.
It is understandable, and it’s also understandable how much it must suck for you :/
I am sorry you go through this, but I am sure that one day you will meet someone who will learn about you and what you pull through on your own and see this green flag
Edit: Also the things u/NectarineNo8425 says.
I’m a single dad to a young girl. I would love to meet and end up with a single mom. She be someone I can relate too. We could help each other.
Every guy who swipes left because you have a kid is doing you a favor. You don’t want anyone who feels lukewarm about potentially being a step parent.
Just my two cents as a parent. good luck out there.
For me its not a red flag but it does make things more complex. Probably not something i would intentionally seek out but with the right person/situation i wouldn’t be discouraged from a relationship because of it
A lot if it is the age and amount of kids for me to have it as a Red Flag. Too many early 20’s with 3-4 kids. Now I generally avoid single mom’s because in most if not all profiles the kids always comes first. I don’t want to be someone’s perpetual second fiddle. The way I see things is yourself always comes first, your spouse or significant other comes second, and kids come third. Now before you think I’m saying you’re neglecting your kids by that you’re not. Their needs can easily be met being third in priority. When I see kids always comes first I fear for entitled kids who are raised to think they’re the center of everything. Kids are sponges and them seeing a healthy partner dynamic between a man and a women can show them what healthy relationships are more than anything else and that’s putting their partner above all else besides their own personal needs. But additionally as others have stated not everyone wants to jump into that responsibility and the lack of free time and having to work around multiple schedules. And not every single mother is mentally and emotionally strong with good financial habits.
Its not a red flag I avoid them because I’m not in a point in my life where I want to deal with kids and navigate around them.
The worst women I’ve met have been single moms so I get where men are coming from. Single moms have also been the sweetest women I’ve met so I guess it’s more peoples personal experiences . But I see single moms as a red flag depending on what type of man they had a kid by, especially if they’re his 3rd+ babymama.
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag, I just don’t think some guys wanna be a dad already or doesn’t want to have responsibility to someone that isn’t even their child.
It was the decision to have a child with someone whom you were not married to, that is the red flag. The vast majority of men don’t want to raise another man’s child, which makes perfect sense as a child is a financial liability and a very big responsibility that requires time and energy, as well as possibly be involved with the drama and heartache that comes from split families. People need to stop having kids out of wedlock, it’s very well known children do much better in two parent households. And I’m not excusing the cheating, that is scummy behavior, but that is why you heavily vet your partner and don’t have children until you are legally married.
Most people don’t want to be parents to someone else’s kids, especially in that age range. I’m a mid 20s female but I wouldn’t date anyone with kids bc I’m not ready to be a parent, simple as that.
Because being around someone else’s kid is a huge liability and not worth it regardless of how good of a catch you think you are
yeah. I immediately tell people i have a kid just to know if im wasting time talking to them or not. And tbh i dont like people who keep that info out.. people deserve to know whether youre in the first stage of dating or not..
I dont speak with other moms obviously but I have dated a single dad before.. and in my defense, the reason it didnt work out is because the kids didnt get along and the other kid srill hopes her parents would work it out and wants to be with his mother and dont want the dad to date at all.
As I’ve said my situation is very rare – no ex drama, and people are free to date whomever they please. Just want to let people to know the full story first before removing someone off just because they have a kid. Relationships work not because they have kids, but because they want it to work.. surprisingly, single parents who date each other doesn’t automatically mean its a success.
Just my two cents.
One, you do not want to raise someone else’s child
Two, having a kid changes the dynamic of a relationship by a lot
Three, there’s a reason why you are single and why you are a mom and unless you share these reason it makes the impression that you just make fatal mistakes
This entire post is a giant red flag. People aren’t flexible enough to accept my situation, but I don’t want to take the risk of dating a dad because our kids won’t get along? You come with compromise (we all do), so it’s important to realize that and bring some flexibility on your end instead of trying to make it seem like the world is wrong.