I (29) have been single for 3 years 8 months before getting in a relationship with my boyfriend (33). So far he’s been nothing but understand and good to me but I have been struggling to trust him mind you he has never given me any reason not to, i cause unnecessary fights between us to a point he told me he’s getting tired which scared me a lot because i love him and I promised to be better, but i still don’t trust him and I’m very insecure. Please help me
40 comments
You need therapy. To help figure it all out and how to cope and not take it out on your bf. You have to work on yourself and figure out how to cope and at least not accuse and start fights
This sounds very much like a you issue. I can almost feel the past trauma in your typing. You were hurt or something happened that caused all these trust issues. You starting fights is indicative of that as well. You feel almost “safe” when there is conflict because its what you’re used to. I highly recommend you find a therapist in your area and work towards resolving your issues as this problem does not appear to be going away.
I could also be completely wrong but all we have is your post haha.
This is something you need to work on yourself. You will not have a healthy and successful relationship if you lack trust.
> to a point he told me he’s getting tired which scared me a lot because i love him and I promised to be better, but i still don’t trust him and I’m very insecure. Please help me
It’s a self fullfilling prophecy if you don’t take action. He can be the most understanding and caring boyfriend, but everyone breaks after constant troubles over the same, baseless things. He WILL leave you, even if he loves you and nothing else is wrong besides you not trusting him and accusing him of things that are not true.
Get therapy for your fear of abandonment. Show him you really want to work on yourself.
My girlfriend is like this too and literally about a week ago we almost broke up because of it, but we decided to give it one more chance because apart from that she’s honestly soo nice to me. So my advice is to start trusting him more
This is going to sound a bit out there but hear me out for a moment.Have you ever asked him for criticism? I know it sounds bad at first but I think it is a good exercise for trust between two people, it also clears the air and who better to critique than the person who knows you best. It obviously helps if you have spent a lot of time together beforehand but asking for constructive criticism from him can be good because it allows you to be vulnerable.
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Now having said that, this needs to be done with some tact and with the desire for you to improve yourself. It’s going to hurt somewhat because he is someone that you want to trust dearly but I think it would help you, plus it might help your therapist to help you also.
Go get some therapy
therapy and talk with your partner.
we can’t help you, you have to help yourself. Try behavioral therapy and work on the core issues that are causing your insecurity.
get yourself together so this and/or any other future relationship will not fall apart. people who love each other will stick it out through the bad but you need to show them you are willing to work on yourself. as for their decision, if they choose to leave you that’s nothing you can control – all you can do is do your best by improving yourself
when a bird sits on a branch, it does not place its trust in the branch beneath it. It trusts its own wings to catch it if it breaks. Your issue lies in the trust in your own self. If you project insecurity into the world, you will only get back reflections that affirm your trust in chaos. What you put out at any given moment is what you get back in that same moment. every moment is not connected to any other moment so it relies on your focus to project your preference with conviction in order to sustain the same reflection of your preference in yourself and others and the world around you.
Please go to therapy. Your boyfriend doesn’t deserve to be your emotional punching bag. I’d advise him to leave tbh.
I was the same way in my late teens/early 20s. For me, it stemmed from Borderline Personality Disorder that was based on a fear of abandonment. I would essentially try to push away anyone I was romantically close with once they started feeling too permanent in my life because my subconscious thought I needed to do that myself before they inevitably decided to leave on their own.
I echo everyone else here saying therapy is really the only way to start working past this. Therapy and building a bunch of self awareness through reflection.
I know everyone keeps saying to get therapy, but therapy is not a magic fix. I think the first thing you should look at is your attachment style. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment. Try taking [this assessment](https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/index.php) to find out for sure (don’t worry about inputting your email I’ve never had a problem with it).
The basic premise behind attachment theory is the care you received in childhood affects your future relationships. With anxious attachment, you had inconsistent care from a parent/parental figures. In my case I had a mother who would shower me with love one day and scream that I was the reason she wanted to kill herself the next. It causes you to have trust issues and feel like you aren’t truly cared for (and also not worthy of being truly cared for).
The good thing is, once you and you partner understand your attachment style you can both start putting in the work to heal and overcome. Like I said, therapy is not a magic fix. Start by working on yourself and see where it goes. Feel free to dm me for any help. I understand completely what you are going through.
Get therapy. You are not ready for a relationship if you are having trust issues with your current partner.
They are not your exes.
Something that really helped me unpack my trust issues, was having a safe space I wasn’t afraid of judgment from. I use to have triggered responses a lot that pushed people away from me. My therapist has really helped my relationship w myself but also the people I love. Hope the best for you man
Fix yourself before you break him. Thats the harsh reality
It’s not *his* fault you don’t trust him. You need to take your anxiety about not trusting him and dump it on *anyone else in the entire world*. He didn’t text you for three hours? Complain to your sister. He stayed out longer than he said he would with his friends? Complain to your Mom. Complain to your cat. He doesn’t deserve to hear that bullshit.
Look into attachment styles and if you can afford it, therapy. I was the same way, you’re not alone! But you can improve with time and work.
Maybe think of therapy to understand why you can’t trust a guy. You’ll get the answers and then start working on them one by one.
We can’t help you, but a psychologist can. Get one
Therapy. You need to work on yourself. You will be unable to love and care for someone when you don’t trust or love yourself enough to be comfortable and vulnerable. It’s unfair to him in the long run. I had similar issues with my husband when we started dating. He was in an abusive marriage before me, and it took him a long time to trust me. It almost ended us quite a few times. But he started therapy, and started working and healing himself and it made a world of difference. It’s not his job to fix you, and if the rolls were reversed it’s not your job to fix him. You can’t save someone with a relationship and you should t have to make someone shoulder your emotional weight. It will never feel balanced. Added weight makes everyone tired.
I completely understand and relate to your dilemma, honestly been there and done and I am not proud of it. While I am certain you have your own reasons for being insecure, I can promise you it will only hurt the relationship. You have to channel your energies, everytime you feel insecure or the negative thoughts kick in, try not to project them, rather grow aware of it.
I am glad you have a great deal of self-awareness and kudos to you for that. Insecurity is a personal hell that hurts you, your partner, and the relationship. Quick tips of self-regulation, tell yourself your fears are irrational, write all the things that you love about your partner somewhere and go through them, go through pictures and moments that you cherish and ash them what they like about you and then go through those things when you worry.
Additionally, I would highly recommend working on yourself, moreover, therapy if you have access and resources for it, it helped me and guided me tremendously.
Stay strong! You got this!
You need a shrink. Nothing short of a professional can save you from your self.
This might be a bit of a long shot, but you may want to look into Borderline Personality Disorder and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. See if it sounds like it fits you at all. Good luck!
Thank you all so much for your wise words, i really appreciate it, ❤️. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for not replying to all , but i appreciate you all
Leave and fix yourself. Spare him the pain of you eventually causing harm that will change both of you and make you even harder to date in the future. I will say it will hurt and he may move on and find someone worth his effort because you are currently don’t deserve him. And that is not a bad think for you both. You are not capable of reciprocal love as you can only take and are not fully his. You are guarded by pain from something or someone and in turn are making the man you say you love pay for it. Please fix what is broken before you get worse and sadly get used to it.
Get some therapy- worth it
On the upside I bet you give AMAZING head 🙃
Totally kidding but I’m actually the same way, glad I saw this post! Just got myself back into therapy this week because I keep causing unnecessary fights with my bf
Think about the things you aren’t doing to solve the problem, then do those things.
You probably can think of some, if you ask yourself that question seriously.
It’s going to be difficult, it’s probably going to hurt emotionally, but letting the problem sit is going to be far, far worse.
One thing that might help, if you don’t have a therapist yet, find one. That way you have a professional working on this with you as well. Especially if you try a solution and fail, or can’t bring yourself to even attempt something you know you need to do.
Probably doesn’t mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I wish you the best, always, and believe in you.
My ex wife did this. Always accusing me of sleeping around. Found out it was her guilt eating away at her when she was caught banging the new school superintendent on school grounds. It’s really fucked up my ability to trust anyone.
You need therapy.
If you’re doing self destructive things, like picking fights with someone who treats you well, you need therapy.
If you don’t trust him, you can’t just “buckle down” and get over it. You have some issue with trusting people in general, and you need to figure out what that is and what happened, before you can trust someone.
If you try to just push your insecurities down they will pop up other places. You might be able to ignore your urge to pick fights or feel untrusting for a while, but it will just explode in a big fight.
The simple solution is going to therapy. This is rooted in 1 of 2 things, childhood issues or prior romantic issues. Also, research attachment styles.
I’m gonna be blunt, you should exhausting and he’s more than justified in ending the relationship.
Get a therapist ASAP unless you want to lose this relationship.
I can relate…
Watch this
[Who Can You Trust? – Jordan Peterson](https://youtu.be/bZm3qWJD2-k)
You sound like you have anxious attachment style. Please look it up and see what coping mechanisms you can learn to help you change your thinking. On YouTube the crapychildhood fairy is a therapist who provides a lot of information on therapy and things that individuals can do to help them with their mental health. I get where you’re coming from because I used to be like this with my boyfriend but I got a lot better because I’ve been focusing more on self care and my emotional independence.
In addition to therapy, which everyone has mentioned already, you might want to have a look at borderline personality disorder. I’m not saying it is or it isn’t since you didn’t give enough info. But a quick google search will show you the most common patterns of BPD and whether you might fit that category.
Interesting you describe yourself as helpless, describing these things as though you cant help it, i am sure tht it feels tht way.
Its the self fulfilling prophecy, you are so convinced he will leave you make it impossible to stay. Then you are able to say “see i was right.”
And theres some security in that. So lets ask some questions.
What are you getting out of these arguments.? Normally we avoid upsetting or hurtful experiences, so what do u think causes you to pursue them?
What happens if he doesnt leave?
What does a long term relationship look like to you?
Where does it go?
Are you ready for a long term relationship?
Are you ready for any relationship?
Have you had a mental health assesment recently?
Obsessive , destructive cylical thinking can be a symptom worth looking at, as well as intrusive irrational thoughts. Do you think any of these describe your way of thinking?
Now this is not a diagnosis of anything, but checking it out cant hurt.
It may just be you need to retrain your brains focus, stop allowing it to run off unchecked. Like any muscle the brain can be trained.
I get it can feel like things are out of control, but you wld be suprised how quickly you can change old habits. If this behaviour isnt rooted in trauma you dont have complex mental health issues, I wld take a look at both mindfulness and hypnosis . If you really feel you dont kno where or how to start.
This is not magic, it just gives you the tools to be in control of when you choose to deal with things. But tools are only as good as the person using them.
Wish you all the best, this is something you CAN do.
Trust isn’t something you can ask someone for help with. Nor are your insecurities. Maybe you need to sit down and ask yourself WHY you don’t trust him. You definitely shouldn’t be coming to us. We can’t help you with that.
🚩 🚩 you dropped these
You will probably loose him, so enjoy it while it lasts. You are missing so much by not trusting. So many folks fear ‘getting hurt’ so much, they avoid one another like the plague, becoming hardened, loveless, unattractive people in the process. Don’t be one of them. Go to therapy now! You should have solved this before getting into another relationship. You are doing a disservice to your boyfriend and yourself.
When you make your insecurity someone else’s problem, it will blow up on you 100% of the time. Work yourself out or he’s going to walk.