I’m 39M, and never dated in my life, when I was 11 I became convinced that I was ugly and so I decided not to bother women. Now I accept that I am not ugly but I’m sure as hell not attractive, I ‘m 5’10, 218 lbs and not muscular. I have struggled with my weight since I was 10, as have most of my relatives. I do work out but it only helps so much.
I have been told by people that I’m a good person and even asked on a few occasions why I’m not married, to which the answer is that aside from my conviction that no woman could possibly be attracted to me I am terrified of the idea of trying to approach women and yet no matter how much I meditate on it I can’t pinpoint what it is that I’m specifically afraid of.
7 comments
I think that you’re taking rejection as a rejection of everything you are, rather than just shrugging it off. Which I get, because rejection can sting sometimes. I think it’s also the fact that, at 39, the women that you want are likely not as plentiful as they once were and it can create a scarcity mindset.
I’m going to tell you bluntly, because I hear this from a lot of men on reddit: you’re probably not actually ugly. You may have a few things that need fixing and can be fixed. I’ve even noticed on apps that men are shockingly awful at taking pictures and they look worse in pictures than they do in person.
Just keep going. Figure out things that you want for yourself. It does get easier.
>I do work out but it only helps so much.
That depends on your work ethic. Maintaining a calorie deficit is will power.
>I am terrified of the idea of trying to approach women and yet no matter how much I meditate on it I can’t pinpoint what it is that I’m specifically afraid of.
I mean….its probably rejection or failure. If this is all stemming from your lack of self esteem, its probably a fear of rejection.
At 39, what do you have to lose at this point? Shoot all your shots. Make it a point to not be 40 and still have this problem.
Stop attaching yourself to your 11 year old self. Stop going out of your way to psyche yourself out. You’re almost 40, its time to go all in and throw caution to the wind.
At nearly 40 you are in a weird spot where things are starting to be cemented in life. Unless you make some major change to break out of your usual routine (you mentioned working out, you said nothing of your eating habits, hobbies, lifestyle, etc) things will remain the same. Not the nicest thing to say but you don’t become 40 and suddenly attract women that you never had before, it’s going to take a great deal of work.
waistline measurement?
your BMI’s “obese” see: https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm (you’re in the U.S.? they’ve a major obesity epidemic going on: bad food habits, inactivity/screen time etc.)
women (& relationships) are mucho scary (imo); you’ve managed 20 adult years without them, maybe another 40’s not so bad? Freedom from another’s influence and needing to care for someone (& vice versa but you’re decades away from parents caring for you so you’re used to that)
Sounds like you are afraid of being rejected, you just have to jump out there, be friendly and talk to as many people preferably women as possible. It’s just like exercising and losing weight, you have to get the reps in, and with you, you need to start interacting with more women. You are well behind the curve but that’s okay you have time to win.
I would start with testing lines out online, being sweet, caring, funny and seeing how women react, then I would go to a bar, and just strike up random conversations, but one thing to note in all of this, do not take anything personally, nothing, the good things, the bad things, just get out there, and get more reps as a whole.
Are you afraid to approach any of the other genders?
You’re afraid of approaching women because at this stage the encounter could result in them confirming the view you have of yourself – “you’re ugly, you’re unattractive.” Avoiding the interaction avoids the confirmation.
What you miss is that approaching women could also dispel this view of yourself as well.
I think before you do that though, you need to look inwards and see where your “no women will find me attractive” is coming from, and what props it up. People are pretty intuitive and generally speaking if someone views themselves negatively it gives other people free ammunition to do the same because the tone is already set – this makes anything in the world of romance a huge uphill battle if you have this negative self view.
Establish what the basis of this negative self view is so you can begin work on challenging it and testing it properly, as opposed to just allowing your mental doubts to dominate.