My (28F) introverted husband (34M) is becoming more reclusive as he gets older and it’s hurting our relationship

46 comments

1. You need to tell him that you are unhappy and it’s damaging the relationship. That you respect the way he is, and it’s fine for him to be that way, but it doesn’t work for a relationship with you. So, either you two need to agree to some changes that might keep the relationship working and happy for you or if you two cannot come to an agreement, then you need to start couple’s counseling to see if there is any way to fix the relationship that you two haven’t been able to think of.

2. You’ve tried and his response is “this is who I am” he had no intention of changing. So either you get your socialization elsewhere or you try and find someone that is more compatible for you. What I would recommend doing is going out without him, enjoy yourself and then also try and get him to go do things outside of the house with you as well but for low interaction type outings, so a picnic in the park or something where y’all can be outside but not have to interact with people. But 10/10 sit him down and say you need more from him than sitting and watching TV and if he can’t provide that for you then y’all need to part ways, it’s not going to be an easy conversation but it’s necessary. Also if you can manage a good question to ask him is for what he’s willing or interested in going out of the house for. I personally don’t like parties and avoid them but I love going to restaurants and eating.

3. You say he has ADHD – this is not a common trait with ADHD. Has he been assessed for Autism? ADHD is a common misdiagnosis with it.

   Diagnosis won’t change him, but may help him understand himself. You have to decide if you want to be with someone like this for the rest of your life. He’s made it very clear who he is.

4. If your husband is interested in gaming, you could try starting a multi-player game with him and some friends. There are lots of options.

   If that isn’t interesting to you, maybe try picking up a card game that needs more than two players (spades for instance). Personally, I would love it if my wife wanted to start something like this together. You can check to see if there are leagues that you can join in your city.

   Another option that would be healthier is to join a gym with guided classes. You might not realize it, but a lot of these groups end up pretty tight. It will help with the social side as well as activity.

   Good luck!

5. The statement of “this is who I am” may be a truth or it may be an excuse, but either way it doesn’t bode well.

   I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. My ex took this attitude with me because he didn’t feel like trying. It was an excuse to not have to make any changes.

6. Would an improvement in your husband’s engagement level with you within your home help you feel more fulfilled? More interaction and connection privately may not ultimately be enough but it is probably an important stepping stone for the socialising you want.

   Could you cook interesting new foods together, play boardgames, read and discuss fiction or nonfiction, take up an online yoga course, have in-depth conversations even if requiring prompts, shared DIY project outside both of your current skill sets, reciprocal massages, listening to music together while doing nothing else, or plan elaborate hypothetical round-the-world couples trips? Learning mindfulness activities and skills together would not only give you both a new thing to do together but will be very helpful for your dual anxiety issues, especially for your husband who may use tv and video games for the escapist quality.

7. I mean you said it yourself, that’s who he is and that’s who he’s been the entire relationship. Nothing is changing, except for you. Which isn’t a bad thing, humans are entitled to growth. You’re changing, good for you. But you can’t force him to change with you. The problem here isn’t that he’s becoming more reclusive, the problem here is that you and him don’t have a good relationship. He’s not putting forth an effort into your relationship, he doesn’t take you out and he barely speaks to you. Which sounds crazy to me because I can’t imagine not speaking to my wife lol It’s probably time for you to move on though, and not waste anymore time in that relationship. You see I relate to him but instead of a TV, I’m stuck reading books all day, I don’t have a social life and barely ever make an effort to speak to my friends and family. That’s who I’ve been even before my relationship. BUT my relationship with my wife is great, we can talk for hours, I randomly bring home flowers and gifts for her, and I definitely make an effort to take her out. So the problem here isn’t that he’s introvert. The problem is the relationship itself, you’re out growing him and deserve more out of life and your relationship. It’ll be hard but I think you should move on. I hope you find your peace.

8. I seem to be in the minority here but I think the problem isn’t you wanting to go out and him being a recluse. You have different methods of relaxing so it seems better to do it separately, as he’d probably be miserable and make you miserable. It’s not that he’s becoming more recluse but rather you defeating your anxiety, which is amazing, but he seems like he’s in a different stage of it and I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to change as quickly or as much as you’ve managed.

   But him not even talking to you is another issue entirely. I feel like that might be what’s actually making you feel bad. I think you might want to consider he doesn’t want to, and possibly will never want to, be in a party or a gathering – and whether or not you can accept that. As for him, he has to accept you want your conversations and date nights and actually spend time together. Maybe something that suits you both could be arranged through another conversation?

9. From the responses youve written it sounds as though you’ve approached him /as/ the problem rather than approaching him /with/ your problem.

   E.g.

   Instead of “You never take me on dates anymore!”

   Try, “I really miss going on dates. Can you make some time for us?”

10. I think your wants are perfectly valid. Seeing as you guys have been together for 10 years, it’d be a shame to let that go. I think it’d be important to have conversations about this. Make it clear that you understand that it can be difficult to step outside your comfort zone and socialise as an introvert and with his ADHD/anxiety diagnosis. And make it clear that your willing to work with him, be supportive and patient if he chooses to try meet your wants.

    I know working on social skills can be a tough experience especially if your interacting with judgemental people and, as a guess, past bad experiences may be why he seems defensive about it? But I think to completely disregard your wants is a bit selfish and hopefully with time he’ll come round to putting in effort for you.

11. The real issue here is communication. Mismatched social/energy levels are common and totally fine in a relationship. I would try to get into some counseling to talk through your relationships needs. The thing I like about counseling is it pushes you closer together or further apart so you can make progress in your life. Good luck 🙂

12. >When it comes to our relationship, he … doesn’t really talk to me (it’s very rare for us to have long conversations). So in a nutshell, most of our time together is spent eating meals together in front of the TV.

    That sounds awful. Is this what you want?

13. Is he in therapy? From what you says it doesn’t sound like he has any active interests in his life not just not having interests in socializing, which rings my bells for depression (I know I get like that when I get depressed, mindlessly watching stuff to numb my already numb brain)

    Edit: I don’t think you would have started dating someone like that, mostly because he wouldn’t have been out there to meet you and you do say that he doesn’t make an effort to see his friends which means that one way or another he was socializing at some point to get friends in the first place. Look at your life pre COVID. Are you really starting to go out more than you did pre covid or is he stuck in the lockdown?

14. I’m really introverted myself. That’s just who I am. My wife is the opposite. As difficult as it is, or as much as I don’t want to sometimes, I get out and do things with my wife because I know that she needs it.

15. All you can do is view how they love and decide if u want to stay or not . If u have actively communicated with him your wants & needs and his response is ” this is who I am ” then he has no intent in changing . Alot of men think changing their behavior means changing themselfs and thats not entirely true . He thinks its his way or no way and ur supposed to go along with it . Marriage or not u both need to feel fulfilled, seen & heard . U cannot be the only person changing & making sacrifices for your relationship or u will wear urself thin .

16. I went through this same exact thing with my ex fiancé, we were together for over 12 years and I ended it.

17. So i’m assuming he used to socialize …or you wouldn’t have these friends. Right?

    So it’s not true that “this is who he is”, like you said he’s more reclusive. That said you’ve been trending the opposite way, to become more socially comfortable.

    Been together a decade? so at 18 and 24? here’s the thing with relationships where you get together as a barely legal “adult”. it takes time to grow into who you actually are as an adult. You – seem to be growing, want self improvement. He, seems satisfied to stay stagnant. Not bettering himself. That alone …is kinda gross to me.

    OP – please think of this is how you want to live the rest of your life. With a partner that refuses to better themselves. who’s response to you wanting him to compromise and do some things with you yo meet your needs is..,,”this is me get over it”
    that’s not a supportive partner.

18. I would ask him what his goals are for the relationship for the next 5 years. You could talk about how you’d like more intentional time together (problem 1) and a more fulfilling social life (problem 2). I know some couples where the partner goes out all the time and leaves their SO at home, and they are happy being very independent, but they still make time for dates and romantic getaways. There is a possibility that your husband would be happier living alone entirely, and perhaps he hasn’t really considered that. A marriage coming to an end after so long doesn’t need to have the stigma of “failure” attached to it. People change over a decade and identifying and adapting to that change is a true sign of growth.

19. How many hours does he put in at work?

20. What if you take baby steps with your dates. For example, he likes to watch tv and play video games. Ok, maybe try a movie or a dave and busters for starters. Obviously I’m not suggesting you succumb to this for every date, but just to show him the outside world isn’t scary and can be fun too.

    My wife and I also subscribe to the hunt a killer box and it’s like 6 cute like stay at home date nights

21. Why is this even a question break up with him and get someone better

22. Is he right, though? HAS he ‘always been like this’?

    Because if you married him hoping he would change, then that’s on you. You knew what you were getting into. If, however, he used to be more outgoing but marriage has made him think he can sit back and cruise, because he doesn’t need to try any more, then you have cause for complaint.

    If he’s recently changed, or he’s regressed from the man you knew and married, then he’s breaking his part of the ‘bargain’ you made when you married him. He doesn’t just get to sit back and become Mr Grumpy because he thinks he’s got you. You could try a sit down chat, maybe stress that he really really needs to look after his own mental health by working on his anxiety and taking his meds. If he really continues to ignore this huge issue and refuses to take note of your concerns – well, that’s when you tell him you will walk unless he does so. And if he doesn’t, then you walk.

23. Gotta say, this strikes me as a golden example of exactly why we constantly try in vain to explain to people that, yeah, age is just a number when you’re both mature adults, but when you’re only eighteen, six years is actually a fairly enormous age gap.

    Because when you started dating this man, you were a teenager, not yet grown into your adult personality, still busy figuring out what you wanted from your life and overcoming social anxiety, and he was a whole-ass mid-twenties adult. People change a lot in that five to ten year span, and it is not surprising or unusual that you have grown into a different person who is no longer compatible with the same person that he still is. That’s not necessarily his *fault*, except insofar as he was the older party responsible for detecting whether it was a stupid idea to start this relationship in the first place (and it might not have been – something doesn’t have to be good and right forever to have been valuable while it lasted), or yours, but a relationship can come to its natural end without it being anyone’s fault.

24. Pretty fucked up that you’re trying to force an introvert out of his comfort zone. You got out of yours, great. He shouldn’t have to. Leave him the fuck alone, you’re only making it worse for the both of you

25. Op, speaking from experience, if he doesn’t want to change, there isn’t much you can do. This isn’t an advice. Just my opinion.

    Forgive me ahead of time for all you psych experts.

    Is he avoidant? (Long to be connected to people but is too afraid.) Or schizoid?(Nothing to do with schizophrenia. It just means he has no desire to connect with people?)

    If he is the former, then you can work with him. He can get group therapy and counseling.

    If he is the latter, then there isn’t much you can do. People with no desire to connect with people can be stubborn and see nothing wrong with them.

    Sorry, I don’t have any advice. I just hope your husband isn’t the stubborn type. Talk to him how his lackadaisical attitude is affecting you and he needs to make an effort to change.

26. Get his hormone levels checked, good advice for people in general but specially if they are very low energy.

27. Ah, r/relationships. The place adults come to get advice on how to destroy their marriages from high-schoolers.

28. We try to hard to mix oil and water!!

29. If you don’t get out of this relationship now you will forever feel the way you do. 10 years is a long time to be together. People out grow each other all the time.

30. There’s lots of good advice here so I’m just gonna say how petty I am.

    I’d invite everyone to our house to hang out.

    Definitely probably wouldn’t help anything but again… I’m petty.

31. Good lord this sounds like my life if I didn’t break up with my girlfriend. If you’re truly introverted ask yourself why you feel a need to do all this extra shit. It’s just so much homework, all for what.. to have a ‘social life’. Cringe.

32. My mom was married before my dad. They were high school sweethearts. She realised it was time to divorce him when “(she) had more fun with out him than with him” and that’s stuck with me. My mom became indifferent because life was so stagnant between then and they really were very different people. Both are now happily married to people that want the same things out of life.

    Divorce may not be the right answer here, couples Counceling? Idk. Unwavering “this is who I am” is very toxic, we should always be striving to improve ourselves for ourself. And that doesn’t make him a bad guy but may be an incompatibility. Think about being on your deathbed and if you will regret the life you’ve lived of you don’t find a change be it starting over, making peace and finding other outlets for your needs, etc.

33. As an introvert, I can tell you that having to deal with people all day at work is utterly exhausting and I have nothing left to give to any semblance of a social life. If you can’t live with a person like that, you need to move on.

34. So you were 18 and he was 24? That’s weird.

35. agree with others that communication is the issue here. i think if you communicated more and had more special time together at home / maybe on dates, you may think differently about his decision to skip other social events. when he says ‘ive always been like this’ maybe try and communicate the communication and relationship issues, rather than the social/going out “issues” you see.

    being in my 30s i am similar. i care less about meeting a ton of new people and more about investing in my close friends. problem is close friends move on to families and move away. the other experience i have personally is time flies faster than it does in my 20s. so not going out for a couple weeks doesn’t feel like anything. to someone in their 20s that might feel like forever. i like going out still, but to things i like. if my friend’s friend’s friend plans some social event that only half the people actually “want” to go to, i’ll probably skip it to be honest. with ramping up career and feeling a bit burnt out from trying 100s of new things in my 20s, it does get a bit exhausting.

36. ADHD/anxiety are often co-morbid with depression. Some of what you’re describing sounds like depression symptoms (isolating, not having energy, not engaging with plans for the future, etc.) And if he’s lived with depression long enough, that may very well be who he thinks he is. Probably worth talking to whoever prescribes his anxiety meds to see if he might be able to manage it better.

37. Does he put any effort into anything into the relationship?

    Sometimes people think effort is all that matters, doing the same thing over, and over again has merit, while others think that it’s also important to inject novelty into the effort.

38. Why did you marry him?

39. My spouse and I are going though exactly this in varying degrees of anti social anxiety. We’ve discussed compromising by having meals together without the tv and just talking to one another at least 2-4 times a week. He brings me coffee in bed and has acknowledged I tend to treat him like a mom instead of a wife so I also need to back off in coddling him and simply asking his help in the kitchen more often. The key difference is that HE wants to help and improve our intimacy where as your spouse does not want things to change because he’s comfortable.

    It’s not introversion that’s preventing him from being a good spouse it’s just plain laziness. Medication does not control a persons actions it helps regulate the brain chemicals only he has control on how much he wants a future together with you because this is not sustainable.

40. You may be becoming incompatible. The way you bring this up is by making him understand how serious this issue is, as in it a potentially marriage ending situation.
    If you don’t tell him exactly how bad things are, then he won’t take it seriously.
    If you tell him what you’ve told us here he might sit up and take note.
    Maybe some counselling for you both could help sort things out?

41. Commenting to follow. Hope things improve for you.
    I often find myself feeling lonely & like an inconvenience for my husband – he enjoys the company of the internet & himself the most it seems!! Hurts a lot and he doesn’t seem to see any issue with it…my biggest worry is I’ll one day just have enough and he still won’t get it!

42. open communication. voice your concerns and the possible outcomes if your concerns are not addressed.

43. Could you suggest something in between, where it’s not necessarily social but you’re still getting out and spending time together, like seeing a movie or going for a hike? My husband and I are both introverted and we both require a lot of recharge time that isn’t really intentional quality time together at home. Our hikes on the weekends are our favorite because it gets us out of the house and spending quality time together without draining our social battery.

44. Adderall or some other stimulant? I’m on the same crap. Same socialization habits. How badly does he need the meds for work? Is it office work? Can he change prescriptions?

    Also look into testosterone BIHT and antidepressants. Of course, a ton of exercise and sunlight would fix all of these problems without medication. But good luck getting him to do that without the meds.

    Definitely let him know how you feel, including the bit where he’s losing you. It might motivate him.

45. Sounds like you’ve changed and he’s not interested in changing or doing things that you initiate, either.

    Has he indeed “always been like this?” Is he being more reclusive or are you being less reclusive? He might not change, so if you aren’t interested in your life as a couple being like this, the next step is probably up to you.

46. My aunt is the socialest butterfly I know. Her husband is the exact opposite. He doesn’t even go to family parties sometimes because of all the socializing. They have the happiest marriage because they’re both engaged at home and are fine with the other person’s social desires.

    It’s one thing to not have a partner who is social outside the house, and it’s another to have a partner that doesn’t put in effort at home or work to improve themselves.