We have been together for over 10 years. I get people disagree and get mad and frustrated at one another all the time, especially after being together so long but it’s starting to get to me. Especially on weekends when we spend time together just the two of us, he gets mad or frustrated at me for seemingly every little thing. It is very clear either through his direct expression of frustration and anger, general mood of stress and tension, completely ignoring me the entire day, being very short with me, etc. His moods affect me a lot and have soured many holidays and otherwise fun activities together.
A small example: he was upset with me yesterday because he asked me two minutes before we left for the beach if I had a specific portable charger (we already had two fully charged). I could not find it and he was really upset that I didn’t know where it was. We didn’t even use them the whole time.
Another small example is that I suggested we do something outside since it is nice out, and asked him to pick the activity to give him an option of what he would prefer. He didn’t seem into it, so I said ok maybe we can just go on a walk around the neighborhood at some point. (It’s less than a 10 min loop). It wasn’t a big deal I just thought it’s be nice to get outside today at some point since we work inside all week? He took this as me not considering what he wanted to do and trying to dictate and control things. This became him ignoring me and being short with me the rest of the day.
These are small examples but is this normal? Most of the time I feel like these issues should just be small miscommunications or not even cause an issue but instead it causes him to be very upset with me for extended periods of time. I try to be patient and calm, and I don’t want to invalidate his feelings but it can be really hard to deal with someone who is always upset with you over something. It makes me feel bad and like I need to be a better partner and person in general so he won’t get so mad. I know I can only control my own behavior and reactions and not his.
TL;DR: Bf gets mad at me a lot over what I consider to be small issues most of the time . Feel like I’m walking on eggshells and don’t know what to do.
7 comments
Have you told him how you feel?
You’ve been together for over ten years, has he always been this way? It sounds like he doesn’t know how to communicate how he is feeling with you, and perhaps expects you to read his mind. And then when you don’t, he pouts and is in a bad mood. Have you tried having a conversation with him about this?
This is certainly not normal for any relationship I’ve ever been in. I would break up with somebody who wouldn’t communicate with me and was regularly acting in ways that made me uncomfortable over normal life stuff. In your first example, it sounds like he blames you for problems that come up even when you had no particular responsibility for the charger more than he himself did, unless you left out some info. In the second example, he doesn’t give you the benefit of the doubt, but actively leaps to a negative interpretation of your words when there were other options, and that implies he has a negative view of you and doesn’t really think of you as a good and trustworthy person.
If these sorts of problems come up a lot, I’d worry about the patterns – him not taking responsibility for his issues, him blaming you for things that go wrong whether or not it is your fault and possibly especially when it is his fault, and him treating you as a bad person whenever he doesn’t like what you are saying even if what you are saying is fine. That’s not the sort of relationship I would want.
This is not a loving relationship. Stop wasting your life with him. Aren’t you tired of walking on eggshells?
Every moment you waste with this man is preventing the man you should be with from entering your life. Good luck to you.
NOT normal to get angry or pissy over small things.
He sounds exhausting
Does he have ADHD or aspergers? I have both, and although some things between them may overlap, I’ve read that both may contribute towards such behavior, I instantly recognized it. When I’m not medicated, I tend to be like this for very small things and I make a big thing out of small issues with people I love. I absolutely hate it though, in the moment it feels like you have no choice and it’s just your first instinct, I would get extremely heated, or sometimes opposite and just instantly ignore whoever it may be that “caused” it. There’s an important question though: does he apologise afterwards? When it happens to me, I sometimes feel so guilty I start crying, it genuinely feels like the worst not being able to pick your own actions. If he doesn’t feel guilty, doesn’t apologize, I think that you have a bigger problem. He probably thinks there is absolute no way you will leave him as you’ve been together for so long (which I understand, you might be attached to eachother), so he can “afford” to continue with this behavior. Regardless, you will have to make it clear to him that you are not feeling ok about it anymore and that you are considering breaking up if it continues (if you are, that is), because it seems extremely unhealthy, especially if your mental being depends.
This is not normal and you deserve better than this. I know 10 years is a long time, but take it from someone who dated someone with similar issues – being single is sooooooo much better. And peaceful. You can do it, you’ll be so much happier.