I (20M) would like some advice on how to stop being pushy and clingy around people.
I’ve spent my entire school life buried in academics, and never really had friend groups with whom I could just hangout and have fun. The few close friends I’d had have all broken off, some due to circumstance, some due to the other party, but one because of my own fault.
I’ve closed myself off from the idea of having close friends for a while now, but recently opened back up thanks to an old acquaintance who checked in. However, I can feel myself falling back into old patterns – repeatedly asking to hang out / video call, taking the initiative to text them everyday, asking too much about them, and feeling like utter dogshit when they respond in the negative, selectively ignore my hangout texts, or just don’t text me themselves at all.
I am able to recognise this issue, but feel like I simply cannot put aside the notion of having close, even best, friends. Whilst I can surround myself with people and vibe well with them during work, this rarely translates to deeper connections, and so I really do jump at the opportunity when I feel like I want someone in my life.
Yet, I also realise that this need stems partly from a desire for someone to just understand how I’m feeling, causing me to often bring excessively negative energy to my closer friendships (including the one I’m currently trying to hold onto). I feel like my behaviour is causing them to have doubts and distance themselves, but they’re going overseas in 3 months and I fear I don’t have much time left.
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing and I’m just more extroverted than they are, and I should just be myself and continue doing what I’ve been doing?
1 comment
It does feel like you’re pushing people away. (Keep in mind though that you’ve had some friends and someone who reached out, so you know you have something to offer!) The problem is “too much too soon” — you want to be a bit more GRADUAL in your approach to people, not throw the full force of your weight into it. Try to match THEIR energy. If they reach out once a week, you do the same, or no more than twice a week. (No problem being slightly more forward.) Don’t dump too much personal information. Again, follow their lead on that.
It really helps to have more than one person as a friend possibility, so you can spread your attention around, so one person doesn’t feel smothered. If someone hasn’t answered back or leaves you on read, don’t sweat it. They may be busy. Let enough time pass, and then reach out again a week or two later. Stir the embers, so to speak.
Be careful of negative energy. Friendships are OPTIONAL relationships. Of course close friends DO help each other navigate negative stuff, but try to focus on positive things when cultivating new friendships. No one seeks out a new friend who’s a downer.
Your initiating skills seem good, just don’t overdo it.
Balance is key!